I'll Sing His Praise

I'm tired today.  Going back to work is always so tiring.  There is no type of tired like the first week of school tired.  When the students come back for those two days, I'll be a little more dead on my feet.  It just so happens that next week is going to be just one of those long weeks.   That's how it goes sometimes, right?

There is a song that I need to share with you.  I don't know what you have going on with you but this song helped me so much during the hardest times that I have been through.  I'm going to post the lyrics below.  Don't be surprised when I'm singing it in a video.  I'm trying to sing it through without crying but God is so good that I never make it to the end without crying.

There is something so special about worship.  I Chronicles 16:23-27 says:
Sing to the Lord, all the earth;
Proclaim the good news of His salvation from day to day.
Declare His glory among the nations,
His wonders among all peoples.
For the Lord is great and greatly to be praised;
He is also to be feared above all gods.
For all the gods of the peoples are idols,
But the Lord made the heavens,
Honor and majesty are before Him;
Strength and gladness are in His place.

Why praise the Lord?  Because He is worthy to be praised.  If you have a great friend and they do wonderful things and are really special, don't you want to talk them up?  Imagine giving praise to God.  He created all of our systems to work together within us.  I mean, think about it.  Circulatory, nervous, musculature, skeletal, reproductive, endocrine, and immune systems: they all work together.  God made us, to have these incredible wonderful systems to work together.  So just for making each one of us, He is worthy to be praised.  You literally have to give credit to where credit is due.  We need to give God praise because it is His due.

Imagine going through a hard time. Giving praise to God should be exempt.  You don't even want to raise your head, can't even imagine lifting your heavy arms to God to praise Him when you're sad or discouraged.  I advocate for praising God first before anything you do first.  Try it.  Cry, shout out with heaviness and despair.  Whatever you are feeling at that moment, instead of saying what you think you want to say, consider the works of God, and give Him praise.  Then let me know how it goes.  I used this song.

Even When It Hurts (Praise Song)

Hillsong UNITED

Take this fainted heart
Take these tainted hands
Wash me in your love
Come like grace again

Even when my strength is lost
I'll praise you
Even when I have no song
I'll praise you
Even when it's hard to find the words
Louder then I'll sing your praise

I will only sing your praise

Take this mountain weight
Take these ocean tears
Hold me through the trial
Come like hope again

Even when the fight seems lost
I'll praise you
Even when it hurts like hell
I'll praise you
Even when it makes no sense to sing
Louder then I'll sing your praise

I will only sing your praise
I will only sing your praise
I will only sing your praise
I will only sing your praise

And my heart burns only for you
You are all you are all I want
And my soul waits only for you
And I will sing till the morning has come

Lord my heart burns only for you
You are all you are all I want
And my soul waits only for you
And I will sing till the miracle comes

I will only sing your praise
I will only sing your praise
I will only sing your praise

Even when the morning comes
I'll praise you
Even when the fight is won
I'll praise you
Even when my time on earth is done
Louder then I'll sing your praise

I will only sing your praise

Source: LyricFind

Songwriters: Joel Houston

Even When It Hurts (Praise Song) lyrics © Capitol Christian Music Group

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hrSJwO5dJXg

https://youtu.be/hrSJwO5dJXg

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hrSJwO5dJXg

Joy

I have joy on the mind today.  This is weird because it was the first day back to work today.  No students, only teachers.  I'll be honest and tell you that I spent most of the day missing my children.  I wondered what they were doing.  I found out that my daughter slept late.  Let them sleep! They are growing!  I remembered sleeping the mornings away in the summer as a teenager.  I used to watch soap operas when I woke up and there were days when I ate a ham and swiss with tomatoes and lettuce, mayo, oil and vinegar and salt and pepper from the corner deli.  I would get a bag of chips and Mystic flavored sparkling water.  It was really some sort of mango soda but it went with my sandwich perfectly. Is there nothing better than sleeping until noon and then filling up your belly with wonderfulness on a crusty, sesame seed, Italian bread?  Mmmmmm!!!  Yum!!!! That's joyful!

Nehemiah 8:10 says, "Then he said to them, 'Go your way, eat the fat, drink the sweet, and send portions to those for whom nothing is prepared; for this day is holy to our Lord.  Do not sorrow, for the joy of the Lord is your strength.'"  The important part of the this verse is that God's joy is my strength.  Alleluia!!!  In the Bible, they were talking about remembering God after the Babylonian exile.  They discovered a day to worship God in.  Doesn't it sound like a feast day?  Eat the fat?  Drink the sweet?  Definitely some sort of celebration is going on.  Having God in your life is good!  God is on my side.  This is a good thing!

Jesus helps us.  I keep on thinking about God in my life.  There is a lot of things that I don't have.  There are a lot of qualities that I don't possess.  This is apparent to me as I date and wonder what makes me so repulsive to date.  I think it's because I may be too young-looking for my age.  I may be too immature for a 'real guy.'  Am I too pretty?  LOL!!!  Yes!!!  I'm thick as a sirloin.  Guys don't like that.  Maybe I'm too educated or too smart.  Maybe my hair is too curly and too much like a mermaid.  No, I love myself.  I love how God loves me.  I don't despair.  I don't get too upset.  I have the Creator of the Universe in my life and in my corner.  He says He'll take care of everything.  He says that He has a place for me when I go home.  I belong with Him.  So... how can I not be joyful?  Praise the Lord!  I cried.  I don't think I could stop crying.  I cried, big wet tears of joy.  Now I am sitting here writing and getting ready for my next work day.  How do I feel?  Strengthened.

Last Man Standing

I'm on this dating app and I started chatting with this nice guy, not really my type, but nice.  We chatted about flour and floors.  We talked of nothingness.  He asked me what I did in my spare time.  I was thinking, "Spare time?  What's that?"  I told him that I liked to read but that I was in school.  He politely asked me what I was in school for.  When I told him that I was going for a graduate degree, HE GHOSTED ME!!!!! I wish I could tell you it was the first time too.   This other guy asked me what I was studying and after I told him he said, "Good luck with that."  Then he ghosted me.  What did I do?  I laughed.  I couldn't stop laughing.  I mean, what else is there to do?

I think I am in the middle of playing a game.  I call it Last Man Standing.  I meet guys.  They leave.  The guy who stays is the guy that I'm going to end up with.  When they leave, I just tell myself that he wasn't the one.  It isn't hurtful.  I know that I want everything.  If I never find it again, I'm okay knowing that I had it.  

I have some concerns though.  I hate to think of this but I think that my children would like to see me with someone.  They talk about me not being by myself when they leave the nest.  I hate the idea of borrowing fathers.  You know what I mean, have a friend or the husband of a friend step in to do what only a father could do.  It's sad writing about this right now.  I think that there is such a thing.  Then there is my son feeling the burden of being the man of the house.  I'm trying to raise a man, a husband and a father.  I want my son to be like the David in the Bible, a man after God's own heart (I Samuel 13:14).

Here is the deal.  I already know the man who will be there last.  He is the one who will tickle me on a dock until I laugh so hard I can barely catch my breath.  He is the one who I fell in love with at first sight.  When I saw him, I thought, "This is real love."  He is the one whose opinion I consider.  He's the one.  And he will be with me till death parts us.  This I know is true.  The last man standing?  My son. 

Red Lipstick

There is something about red lipstick.  When I look through my lipstick case, I go through all of the colors and there is a dominance in the color red.  I have four different types of red from the same lipstick company.  I have peachy red, bluish red, orangy red, red red.  I like taking the red and adding an additional red chrome on top.  I want to believe that I have the right kind of lips and skin tone to be able to wear the red lips that I love.

Here is the thing.  I don't really like red.  I don't have a lot of red clothing.  I have one or two red purses and maybe one or two pairs of red shoes.  I like my red mixed into some type of pattern.  There is something about wearing a red lipstick that empowers you though.  I think that my first red lipstick was L'Oreal Colour Riche in British Red Coat.  I loved the creamy formula and there was a slight fragrance that added to the allure of wearing my lips red.  Red lipstick doesn't do well in the Arizona summers.  I bought a beautiful Buxom red lipstick and it melted!!! I found that lining my lips red is the secret to keeping the lipstick just where I wanted it.  You need to go a deeper red than the color that you are wearing.  I like to make my lips ombre by putting a gold or orange in the inner center of my lips.

In the 90s, I wore my red flannel with blue plaid with my red lipstick.  I don't think that my father appreciated that red lipstick.  He never really said anything about it.  He didn't tell me not to wear it.  He definitely noticed when I didn't wear it.  I liked to wear my red with navy blue liquid eyeliner.  I also had a penchant for this shiny chrome purple eyeliner that I wore a little too religiously.  I had this purple and red striped cardigan with a zipper that I would wear all of the time.  It's funny the things you remember when you're reminiscing.

When my husband died, I don't think that I really knew how to mourn.  What does mourning mean?  I really didn't know.  Did I wear black all of the time?  Do I wear my ring?  Do I wear make up?  What kind of colors can I wear?  I didn't buy the guidebook on mourning.  I was told that I make up my own rules.  I started by wearing only black and not wearing make up.  I was on the bereavement diet.  Finally, I had lost my appetite!!!  My poor son lost his appetite too.  I gave all of my crazy eye shadows away.  I gave away all of my great lipsticks.  I left the nudes and the boring colors.  It lasted a week.  I talked about buying that Lime Crime Red Velvetine lipstick.

These days, I wear my red lips.  When men comment about about my lips first, I know for a fact that they are not the one.  Complimenting my lips first means that they are not the guy for me, if you know what I mean.  I'm tempted not to wear my lips so red.  I mean, what message am I sending?  But I will be nothing less than my most authentic self.  Anything less seems false.  It seems like me, purple hair and red lips.

I have been changing.  I have noticed it.  I'm not as concerned with my designer purse obsession.  I eat when I'm hungry instead of all of the time.  I have lost my will to shop.  I only shop when I need something.  I recognize myself when I wear my red lipstick.  I can trace myself when I look at myself in the mirror with my red lips.  I wear my red lipstick for me.  I don't always have to wear red lipstick but when I do, I think I feel better.

Where I Stand

Hello, Friends!!!

I have been on vacation.  My dear friend, Danielle was so kind and generous enough to invite me and my children on a road trip with her.  Can you imagine?  Special shout out to Danielle, Ryland and Hayden Witt who allowed us time with nature and with great friends. We went to Pine Top, Arizona.  There was the cutest place with miniature golf, an indoor pool and Jacuzzi and vistas to die for.  Danielle was even kind enough to do a mini photo session. 

I'm back now.  I'm getting ready to start work again.  I always get a little stressed out around this time.  So... I have gotten rid of two of the dating apps I was using.  Now with work, I'm going to have to focus on providing for my little family.  There are decisions ahead.  The children and I are contemplating what to do for the next year.  There are options.  I love that my children are so supportive of changes.  We are asking ourselves what we want and we are making plans to accomplish them.  It is so empowering!!!  Praise the Lord!  Is it scary?  Yes.  Change is scary.  I think it needs to happen. 

I would be lying if I said I wasn't a little worried. I'm discovering that I love to travel.  I love driving at at night.  The things that I used to be afraid of, I'm embracing.  Things that I thought I could do, I'm finding difficult.  There are times when my heart feels burdened.  There are times when there is sorrow and pain in my heart.  I find myself praying for my children.  What is my life if my children are not without God?  However, you should know that I am trusting in God.  My other prayer is for the Lord to lead me in the paths that He wants me to go on.  Just thinking of this makes me happy.  God has blessed me with a vacation.  God has allowed opportunities for me and my family.  So no matter where I am, no matter where I stand, I am praying for the grace and will of God on my life. 

Things I Miss From New York

I lived in New York City for 37 years.  I have been in Arizona for a decade and I went back to New York once.  There are so many things that I don't miss from NYC.  I don't miss having to take the subways.  I don't miss the rats.  I don't miss living in an apartment on Grand Concourse.  I don't miss the humid summers with the trash out on the sidewalk.  I definitely don't miss living in a four floor walk-up.  This whole post could be about what I don't miss about NYC.

But I miss my family.  I miss seeing so many of my cousins and having family gatherings.  There is no group of people quite like those you were born into.  We talk the same way.  We like the same music.  Man, when my family is around and we start dancing, there is nothing like it!!!  I miss them.  I miss just being around my clan.

I miss the food.  I miss the pizza and I'm glad that I'm gluten free out here in Arizona rather than being gluten free in NYC.  Santi used to go to this place around the corner from where we used to live and eat chicken pastelillos with hot cafe con leche for breakfast.  There is no place in the world that makes bacon, egg and cheese on a roll from this deli on 7th Avenue across the street from FIT.   Gray's Papaya in the village.  There used to be this bagel place where we used to eat everything bagels and cream cheese with Joanne.  I liked to eat in the morning from those little carts sesame seed bun with butter and tea light and sweet.  Oh My Goodness!!!  All of these places I used to visit with Santi.  He loved food.  I think this is why NYC is not the same to me.  Could be.

I was telling some friends how I miss leaving the house and just window shopping or people watching.  People watching is my favorite.  I was in Central Park looking at shoes and Santi was like, "Did you see that?"  I was like, "What?"  Apparently, I missed Judy Dench but she had a great pair of shoes on.  There is no place in the world to be broke in.  We buried my cat, Luigi by Turtle Pond in Central Park.  It was our favorite place in Central Park, right by Belvedere Castle.  Growing up in NYC was magical.  There is no place like it.  I am nostalgic for a place that no longer exists.  Going back I go into New Yorker mode.  My son was like, "Mom why are we running?"  LOL!!!

For those who live in NYC, post pics and tag me in them.  Please know that the next time I'm out there, I'm staying with my co-madre but get ready because I'm hanging out with all of you.  SFR, Spellman,  PS 109, Eta Omega Tau, Pace University, Lehman (There are so many schools in this list).  Hey, get ready I'm going to go back and I'm making a schedule.

Intimidating

When I walk I promise you there is some sort of theme music in my head
(Lately it has been Truth Hurts by Lizzo.).  I like to strut because it's a much better way to get around than walking.  I like to breathe in and remember that my Father is the Creator of the Universe and I harness whatever energy I can muster in that breath before I enter a room.  I remember that I am fearfully and wonderfully made.  I must always keep my ego in check because I definitely know what I'm worth... even older... even chunky... flaws and all.

So, a dear friend confirmed something that I had in my head.  I am intimidating.  When she said it, I was in my head like, "I knew it!!!"  So I'm intimidating.  I'm shrugging my shoulders.  There are some of you that are like, "I know you, Elle.  You are sweet and loving.  Intimidating?  I don't think so."  Ah.  I turn it on and off like a light switch.  A class of teenagers?  On.  Church Sunday morning?  Off.  Walking down the street?  On.  Walking anywhere really? On!!!  So, being intimidating sometimes doesn't make me approachable?  What if there is a guy that is too intimidated to talk to me?  Should I be more approachable?  NO!!!  If he doesn't have the guts to be a man and talk to me then he can stay where he is and I am much better off without him.  Does it look like I need an insecure man?  Wait.  Let me rephrase that.  Does it look like I NEED a man?  The only man I need is Jesus.

Now, I wouldn't call myself intimidating.  I would call myself secure.  I am beginning to understand that there are men out there that are insecure.  I am realizing that men are more insecure than I previously understood.  My husband wasn't very insecure so I'm surprised that there are more insecure men than less insecure.  I understand that I am in need of someone confidant and secure as well.  I hug everyone I come across.  I flirt even as I am just saying hello.  I can't be with anyone insecure. 

I'm trying to be sensitive but you know I'm not about to change any time soon.  I should dial down because you can't man up?  No, Elle!  This is not a Christian attitude.  So, I'm putting this sensitivity on my THINGS TO WORK ON list.  It's there.  It's the last thing on the list after getting to heaven but it's there.  So, here I am.  I'm good with my bad self.  I'm good  with just being me.  Writing this blog helps.  I don't know... I think you should try being a little intimidating too...