Hobby- My Trigger Word

What are your hobbies?  It's a simple question, yet when I am asked this, I just lose it.  I want to rage and yell.  I have been thinking about why it bothers me so much. 

As a child, I loved Holly Hobby.  My very first lunch box was a Holly Hobby lunch box.  I loved Holly Hobby.  I think that I found her so very wholesome and sweet.  Okay, I used to love this concept of hobby.  I learned how to crochet.  I taught myself.  My mother taught me how to knit and I understood the instructions enough to understand how to follow directions and do more complicated stitches.  If you ask me nicely, I can embroider a little bit.  I don't see cooking as a hobby but as a life skills.  Is reading a hobby?  Is writing?  Is blogging? 

I have gone into the Hobby Stores.  There is a bunch of them around me.  Santi used to love Hobby Stores.  He would try his hand at beading.  He would buy his canvasses and his paint there.  If you would let him, he would wander the aisles for hours just looking at all of the creative things that could be done and achieved.  These stores overwhelm me.  I see loose beads and half started projects that clutter the room.  Is this why the word, "hobby" upsets me?

Beyond the creative or arts and crafty, I think that hobby upsets me because of the insinuation of time.  I think this is what upsets me the most.  What do I like to do in my spare time?  Uh... sleep?  Blogging is a type of hobby, isn't it?  Yes, it is- but I am also using this blog as a type of therapy.  I don't know.  I'll try it on for size.  Do you have any hobbies?  NO!!!  I DON'T HAVE ANY TIME FOR HOBBIES!!!  WHO HAS TIME FOR A HOBBY!!!  (Deep breath)  Okay, maybe I need to try that again.  Give me a second... I'm counting up to ten...  Hey Elle, do you have any hobbies? (Deep breath, don't yell)  Yes.  I write a blog.  I think I'm getting a headache from not yelling but I did it.  Whew.

Okay, there will come a day when I will have time to do needlework.  I will take up yoga with Glenda.  I will do small home projects as a hobby and have HGTV on all day long learning about stuff.  I will watch television.  There will come a time when I will collect pretty beads and make all types of fun and expressive jewelry.  I will keep up with my eyebrows and nails.  Man, I'm here daydreaming. There will come a day when I will be the Hobby Queen!!!

Until then, I take advantage of my time and let my expression and creativity flow through my make up and my hair; two birds in one stone type of deal.  I read a few minutes before I drift off to sleep.  And I write this blog, which I am so thankful for.  I don't keep all the crazy in- I let it out and paint my life with words instead of color.  What a blessing!!!  I'm still not a fan of Hobby. I'll let it marinate and I'll let you know what happens.

He Will Hold Me Fast

As I look back on my life, I see it as a journey.  I am walking around in different settings. I feel that my year has not been a walk in the desert.  Instead I have been in a wilderness at night.  I should have been scared but I felt...peace.  I can hear the owl hooting.  I can hear the crunches of animals scurrying and surviving.  It feels like I have been waiting.  Maybe I have been wandering, trying to find my way out of this dark forest. 

Yesterday, I recognized a signpost.  It may have said, "Exit this way."  Part of me wants to pretend I didn't see it.  I want to continue wandering in the forest where it is dark but peaceful.  It is almost like playing solitaire and getting to that point where you know you are going to win.  It's like playing Candy Crush and understanding that you are going to pass the level.  For me, knowing I am going to win gives me mixed feelings.  I was enjoying the challenge.  This just shows you the extent of my craziness.  There are some of you understanding this conundrum.  After all, life is about the journey, isn't it?  

I can see that it still will be a hard time finding my way out but as I look ahead, I can see that there are markers.  There is a path.  Let's be clear, there was always a path.  I don't know what it will look like once I get out of here.  I don't know who I will be.  However, I never really needed to know.  Am I scared?  No, I am not scared.  I'm scared of some things but not of this.  I know that God is with me.  He will never leave me nor forsake me.  I think of Joshua and the times that God reassured Joshua.  I can hear the words of Joshua 1:9, "Have I not commanded you?  Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go."  You see, He was with me in the wilderness.  He was with me in the desert.  He is with me as I drag my feet toward the signpost.  

There is this song.  It is "He Will Hold Me Fast."  Some of you have heard of it and some have not.  I hear it now.  It is a song on my heart reminding me when I want to forget.  It almost sounds like I am ungrateful.  I am not.  I am very grateful.  God has been good to us.  I look at my children.  They are not scared or worried.  It's almost as if they hear the song too.  They know who we follow.  "Come on, Mom!"  Such Sweethearts, rooting for me.  I pray that when they reach their own wilderness, they remember who to follow.  This will first and foremost be my utmost desire: that they allow God to always hold them fast.  

I look back on what I have been through.  I know it's time.  My children are up ahead.  I understand when Mary keeps things in her heart.  I'm keeping it in my heart.  Let's see what the next signpost looks like.  Until then, allow Christ to hold you fast too.

Saturdays

What is it about Saturdays?  I wake up and I like to sit and drink my coffee while looking out of the window.  Saturdays have a different feel to them.  When people make plans on Saturdays, I usually go but there is a part of me that goes begrudgingly.  In my head I'm like, "Don't you know that Saturdays are sacred to me?  Don't you know that I like to wake up and read and drink coffee?"  People like to plan stuff for 10:00am and I cry.  I know that it will eat up my morning. In my head it takes 5 minutes to get ready.  In reality, it takes 2 hours as I talk myself into getting dressed and doing what I have to do.  Am I the only one who talks to myself as I get ready?

I like days where there is cleaning done but it is happy cleaning done in sunlight and with music.  You clean a little, you sit, you eat.  You clean a little, you sit you eat.  It gets done little by little with just a little stress thrown in for good measure.  I cook weird meals out of the stuff that I find in the fridge and freezer.  I don't know why but they always come out delicious to me.  My kids like anything home made so... It's a win/win.

Then as the sun fades, we like to be outside and walk to go to the park.  Maybe we'll go get a slushie or a drink somewhere.  Maybe we'll eat out and find a new favorite place.  We don't mind being places in the afternoon.  I think it is our Saturday mornings that matter the most.

We will substitute a morning at home for a morning travelling.  We like to hike and visit places.  We will prep stuff the night before and get everything ready.  I don't know if my children are happy or sad when they ask me on Friday night if there is anything that they are doing on Saturday.  It's with a mix of both happiness and sadness that they get a calm and peaceful day home.

Third Date: Reboot

I'm a spazz and I'm finding out that dating is scary.  Out of the blue, this nice guy starts talking to me and we decide to meet for coffee.  I can handle coffee.  I thought I could handle coffee.  Anyway, he comes out of his car and he's SHORTER THAN ME!!!  I must be short guy fodder.  I'm okay with it but he's kind of cute, nice voice; but I'm nervous.  I found out something very important in the course of this venture: Dating is scary. 

We had a good conversation.  We talked about education.  He was well-mannered and potty trained.  I think we have a good vibe going.  I think the question on our mind is, "Do I like him?"  I don't.  He was nicer about the send off.  I was like, "It was nice meeting you."  But I knew even as I left that there would be no second date.  Again, I was relieved.

I'm laughing.  It only took three dates and being stood up to find out that dating is scary and there is every possibility that I am not cut out for this.  It's been fun.  I'm definitely better at talking online with people.  I'm good at theoretically dating.  There is this guy that I am chatting with and we text.  We have been texting in 10 days a conversation that you would normally have in 10 minutes.  In a year, we may meet and I'm not that upset about it. 

I wonder what I want and what I am hoping to find with these dates?  I sit here writing.  I want to ask other dating women what they are looking for.  Online dating seems barbaric to me.  I miss the way it was when we were in school and everyone was single.  You had a crush and was happy when they spoke to you.  Every look was a research project.  We became scientists then.  We analyzed voice timbre and facial expression.  It wasn't just about what he said, it was how he said it.  We miss out on all of that in online dating.  We pick up what other people throw down but what about the whole person? 

There has been no second dates.  I'm okay with it.  Isaiah 26:3 says, "You will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on You, because he trusts in You."  So, I will live my hot mess life and be who I am and keep my mind stayed on Jesus because I trust him.  I'm thankful for these experiences.

I Am Fine

I always am so surprised to find that I still have words.  I journal my prayers and I write letters and texts to friends.  The only time when I lack words is when I have to sell myself.  Then, all of the lovely words disappear.  Isn't that always the case?

Today, I woke up to work and I am by my computer.  I am at ease.  Praise the Lord.  In a minute, I will continue working on my school work.  I will attempt to finish it all today before I take my son to his Bible study, before my daughter and I will have a few moments alone to do girly things.  Right now I am fine. 

I have been struggling.  Struggling with getting older; struggling with body image; struggling with school work and work work; struggling with identity; and other outside stimuli.  I don't always win these struggles.  There are days that I lay defeated in a puddle on my bed waiting for Jesus to come.  But right now, I am good.  Right this moment.  I am okay.  There is a break in the clouds and the sun shines, quietly and sweetly upon my face.  Today the quiet is not heavy, nor does it remind me of loss.  Today the quiet is peaceful and kind.  Thank You, so much for moments of calm.  And friends to check up on me.  And Your Word that gives me hope.  Is this what it is?  Hope? 

I am hopeful that despite anything I may go through, I have God and He is with me.  I am never alone.  I am not forsaken.  So, God's got my back.  Praise the Lord.

Getting Stood Up

So, I met this guy and we started chatting.  We hit it off and we arranged for a public date.  I don't know what happened.  I want to believe that it was an issue of miscommunication but the fact of the matter is that I got stood up.  Right now, I still don't know what happened.  I think not knowing what happened bothers more than anything.  Did he just not show up?  Did he show up and leave?  Was he even planning on showing up?  Was there an emergency?  Did he forget the day and time?  I don't know.  I have been ghosted.

I blame my legs.  I mean, this was my first response.  He saw my chunky short legs and he was like, "Nope!"  It wasn't my legs.  It wasn't part of the plan to meet.  That's all.  Honestly, my calm rational part understands this completely.  I have another part that gets mad at God.  Yes, I know that we should not get mad at God.  But every now and then, kids get mad at their parents and we hear their complaints.  I'm not saying that it is good.  In fact, I am not recommending going out and yelling or being mad at God.  God is good.  God is great.  I praise God.  I think that if we are going to have a relationship with God, we need to talk to him about what bugs us.  "God, I don't like knowing what happened.  I like closure."  I think I hear Him sometimes respond to me, "Too bad."  I don't leave it alone.  Me: But God, I feel like you dealt me a bad hand.  I lost my husband.  I have chunky thighs and I get stood up?  God, you don't think that's a bit much?"  Then I hear God say, "When you are weak then you are strong. (II Corinthians 12)."  Apparently I'm running a spiritual triathlon.

So, I'm taking a break after two dates and a third non-date.  I'll keep the line on the fishing pole to see if I get a bite but I'm definitely not using a net.

A Hard Place

Ever hear the expression, "In between a rock and a hard place?"  I have wanted to be transparent in my musings.  I find that dating can be funny.  I always think about this experimental phase knowing that in a month or two, I will abandon it and take up a hobby.  I like learning the little things I didn't realize about myself and how I translate to other people out of my circle.  It has been a stretch for this little introvert.  I am branching out and attempting to eat healthy and work out.  I'm not doing this to lose weight.  I'm doing this because of the hard place.

I think about mental health a lot.  I think about it as it relates to Christ.  I think about it as it relates to students that I have worked with and currently work with  I think about how easy it is to fall into a depression or have anxiety.  Everyone feels blue every once in a while.  Everyone can feel anxious.  I think for some people, myself included, there are times when it is like a zombie, waiting, clawing outside your door waiting to consume you and take you over.

I have this scary thought.  In II Corinthians 12, Paul the apostle talks about not boasting in anything good that he has.  Then he talks about this "thorn in his flesh."  He pleaded with the Lord three times and the Lord did not take it away.  It says, "And He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my strength is made perfect in weakness.'"  I'm scared.  I think about the nurse who gave me my epidural for my son.  What if she had said, "No epidural for you."  I would have given birth without it but I thank God for the rest that it allowed me.  I have worked a lot of jobs and some I have worked, you have to wait for the other person to come before you can leave.  There you are looking at the clock.  You are thinking about what you are going to do after.  You can't wait to leave and... the other person doesn't come.  You know that they are going to ask you to stay.  There is a heavy obligation on your heart to stay.  So, you stay, but you feel as if part of your soul just died a tiny bit.

I have a lot on my plate, Friends.  I am in a hard place.  Paul says, "Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ's sake.  For when I am weak then I am strong."  In my head, I'm like, "Well, he's a better man than me!!!"  But what does that mean?  What does that look like to take pleasure in an infirmity?  I think of some friends who died of cancer thinking of home.  Is this what it meas?  What about needs?  I have to pay APS.  I have no money.  God provides.  Taking pleasure in the hard place?  I have to think about this.  I have to marinate.  I need to take pleasure in this hard place.  People tell me, it will pass.  Yeah... maybe... when I'm dead.  It may not pass this side of heaven.  I may miss my husband, mourn him and never marry, dying a widow's death.  How many years is that?

Paul also says, that when he is weak, God is strong.  When I am weak, then God is strong.  I lean on God in these hard places.  I confess my weakness before my mighty refuge.  I allow God to hide me.  I take all of my brokenness to him.  Apparently God is the best stylist, publicist and all around spin doctor.  He makes me look good.  Praise the Lord.

If you have no idea what I'm talking about and you have never had a sad or an angry day of your life.  If you have two loving parents and the love and support of your family all of the time, then by all means, pray for us who are a hot mess.  Pray for us and over us.  Ask us how to pray for you.  Now to those who struggle and have been struggling.  Ask people to pray for you.  Don't say, "God knows."  Pick a few people to go to and be honest about it if you want them to pray for you.  I needed help cleaning my house one day so I called my best friend, Glenda.  I told her to come over to help.  She came over.  She came into my mess.  She helped me clean it up.  Imagine if I told her to come over and help but didn't let her in?  What was she going to do?  Would she stay outside directing me?

I'm not trying to be mean.  I know that I am sometimes without trying.  I am trying to be open and honest for the sake of others as well as myself.  God is good all the time whether we feel it or not. And sometimes we need help believing it.  I pray for you, Friends.  Keep me in prayer.  God is good.