Being Consistent

As a person who is not just a hot mess, but a hotter mess, I can tell you with certainty that I don't do a lot of things well.  I am a great admirer of those who do do things well (LOL!  I wrote do do!!!).  I have moments that I find that I can be consistent.  I have a wonderfully long streak in my Duolingo.  I have been playing Candy Crush Saga for a long amount of time.  And I consistently go to church.  I go to church to meet with God and His people.  

I'm going to put this here but I have a confession to make.  I was having trouble reading the Bible on a consistent basis.  In fact, I have been with my current Bible for 9 years and I have been actually looking for other translations.  I am looking for a word for word translation that leans toward a study Bible with the possibility of journaling.  More than that, I am looking to be fed.  I am looking to hear from God.  I want to be open to whatever God tells me.  I have read through the Bible more than once.  I have read through different translations.  I like to take my time reading through it all.  Good News Translation, the older NIV translation, the New King James Version with a devotional, I have read through each of them several times.  So... what was next?  I found an app.  Technology logs the times that I log in.  There are different plans for the different seasons that you find yourself in.  God is helping me find a way to Himself... and I am thankful.  

I don't do a lot of thing well,  I am getting better at things and hoping to become the best version of myself.  But, as someone who is a self-proclaimed mess, I need to acknowledge my need for a Savior and that there is room for improvement.  I mean, who am I if I think I have it all figured out?  The one thing I can do and try to do well is to keep going, consistently.  So... I'm working on my consistency with God.  What are you doing to practice consistency?  That's all for now.  Praise the Lord!

I Don't Wanna!!!

 I don't know if I'm the only one to have days where I don't know what to do with myself.  It would seem that no matter what I do, I am not enough.  I have spoken in the past of my awareness with my insufficiency and I am very clear that I continue to be a hot mess in need of a Savior.  This is different.  I am speaking to this idea of serving and having too much to do and not enough to do it with.  In essence, this is a rant.

You should know that I try not to complain or vent because it's a lot like eating Doritos.  You can't just stop at one.  Not only that, it really puts a lot of negative energy out in the world and even if I feel better afterwards, I still spoke, with my powerful words, negative feelings and things that may or may not affect those around me. Still, the essence of my rant is... I don't wanna!!!

I am a contracted worker working as a temp in the education field.  I believe that I am treated as a regular worker... but I'm not.  I get paid only for the time that I am there.  However, the workload is more than the time that I work.  They have stopped scheduling for some meetings but I every day, I find another invitation for a meeting that will no doubtedly, be scheduled for after my allotted time.  I am thankful for the work, but I also feel that you may need to consider paying for my extra time or scheduling someone else for the meetings.  There is no one else to schedule?  Sounds like a problem, but not mine.  I know!!!  It is such a secular view of the world of work!!!  What are my alternatives?  Okay, so I've been questioning my purpose and praying about it.  Cover letters, resumes and CVs can be especially overwhelming.  And, My Friends, I am already overwhelmed. 

Underneath it all, there are questions: What do I want?  Who I am?  What am I good at?  What do I want?  What will make me happy?  Where does God want me?  What do I need in order to be successful?  Am I doing what is right in the eyes of God?  Do I have the right attitude?  Where are my Doritos?  Who ate my Doritos?  What do I want?  

It's a litany of unanswered questions.  There is a song by the name of "Finest Hour" by Cash Cash.  It is one of my favorites but today, this song is my anthem.  "This ain't my finest hour.  Might see my flaws today."  I look in the mirror and I see my age catching up with me.  I finally feel my age.  I have to look around to see if the devil is around.  You know how he likes to kick a sister when she's down!

The fact is that I continue to be loved.  I am worthy of the love of a Savior.  I currently have a job where I am needed.  I need to trust in God.  I need to wait on His plan, even when I have had a bad day, a bad week, a bad month, a bad year, a bad lustrum, a bad decade.  I need to be grateful for what I have and not what I don't.  when I don't understand something, I need to bring it to you, my Readers and Friends.  I need to bring them to God.  So forgive me for my... humanity, yet again.  God is good to me.  Praise Him!!!

Falling Down the Rabbit Hole

I was communicating with a friend of mine and I was telling them that this transitional portion of my life feels like falling down the rabbit's hole much like Alice in her Adventures in Wonderland.  I am working (or procrastinating) on my last degree.  I have a temporary job that I have the ability to enjoy when I remember that God is good and He has good plans for me.  My husband also reminds me to be thankful for the providence of a job that is working for me.  God reminds me that He is with me and that I am not alone.  God is good to me.

Much like Alice, it has been scary when you find yourself falling in an unknown place with strange unaccustomed things on the shelves before you.  You don't really know where you are going to land and there is fear in this uncertainty.  Of course, there is also fear of the pain of falling and of (maybe) failing.  But when Alice was falling down that hole, she got tired of falling.  It took a very long time to go down that hole.  And when the fall occurred, it came unexpectantly.  It has gotten me thinking of what my Wonderlands would look like.  

I am not finding a niche for myself.  Where could a colorful, somewhat academic, extroverted introvert go to find purpose and a raison d'etre for herself with the rest of this life God has given her?  Je ne sais pas.  So... I'm praying.  I don't want to just exist or survive.  I want the promises that God has given me.  In John 10, Jesus is talking to His crew.  He says, "Most assuredly, I say to you, I am the door of the sheep.  All who ever came before Me are thieves and robbers, but the sheep did not hear them.  I am the door.  If anyone enters by Me, he will be saved, and will go in and out and find pasture.  The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy.  I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly."  John 10:7b-10

I am falling down this hole, waiting to hear the voice of the Shepherd, the Good Shepherd who wants to give me life and life more abundantly.  I have had enough of the thief with his stealing, killing and destroying.  I think you can agree with me on that.  It is scary.  It is hard.  Applying to jobs and not getting in?  It is hard.  Making plans and having them fall through?  It is hard.  Changing your life?  Starting again?  It is hard.  I ask God, "What do you want me to do with all of these hard things?"  And here I am writing a blog.  Here I am talking about it.  Here I am telling you that this life is hard and crazy and really scary but here I am, trusting in God and waiting to see where He leads me.  Trusting in God is hard but sometimes the right thing to do is the hardest thing to do in life. It's not about me.  It's about God and His glory.  May I be worthy of the task.  

Be praying with me, Friends.  Be praying that I follow the voice of the Shepherd and not my own.  Pray that I can be Biblically salty and be salt and light to this world that needs flavor and light in dark places.  My sweet husband will tell you that if I'm a flavor, it would be Spicy Nacho.  Nachos (Not yours) but his spicy nacho chip (I'm cracking up.  You know how I do!!!)  If even silly sheep could listen to their Shepherd, I pray that I could listen to mine.  Praise the Lord!!!

Turning the Other Cheek

 We are all broken.  Did you know this?  We are born broken.  I wonder if anyone is raised the way they need to be raised based on who they are.  Any parenting slight and memories that produce triggers are made.  We are fragile, we humans with our traumas.  I think we need saving.  We need a Savior to come into our messes and save us... from ourselves.  

These days, when I come across negativity being strewn my way; I wonder... Is it me?  Or is it the brokenness inside that causes people to cut us off and be rude.  Should I return this negative energy?  Recently I had the opportunity to work with my son in his anger.  He wanted to return the same energy back to the broken person that came across our path.  I asked him, "To what end?"  Either we are part of the problem or part of the solution.  God would have us turn our cheek.  Turn our cheek so that they can smack the other one.  God would have us do the right thing and let Him even out the scales of justice.  The harder part of it all is letting God do this.  

I have people tell me, "I have anger issues."  Usually, it is meant as a warning.  They are really saying, "You should be afraid of how angry I can get!"  I smirk.  Like I don't have anger issues!!!  How do you think I know so much about anger and the cycles that it creates!!!  It's harder absorbing the anger and letting God and the Holy Spirit take control. 

I think that anger is about serving our egos and the ego's need than serving others.  As counter-intuitive as it may be or even sound, serving others instead of our own egos, may just be one of the secrets to life.  And it is frustrating and aggravating!!!  Ugh!!  I want to complain sometimes when it comes to serving others.  But then... something magical happens; something absolutely miraculous occurs.  We are and our demanding egos are fed and are satisfied.

The first time my sorority and I served on Thanksgiving at a soup kitchen, I complained at how early we had to be there.  I was not a happy camper in the least.  By the end of our time, we were happy.  I was happy.  We even did it for a few years after that.  Serving is its own blessing.  Phoebe Buffay was right.

What am I putting out there?  Am I being the salt of God or am I just being salty?  Am I adding to the collective unrest or am a being a light in dark places?  I am praying that I am the latter and not the former.  Anger- this only serves me.  Forgiveness, this negates that and helps me move on.  And let me not forget as someone who is a a hotter mess, I can forgive because God, my Father forgives me of my messes.  Praise the Lord!!! 

Enjoy the Ride

 In this season, I find it hard to get myself away and write.  I will be walking and the wind will pick up just enough, then I will come up with some peaceful, brilliant thought only to not have my keyboard at the ready.  There are crunchy leaves on the campus that I am currently work on.  I love the sound of the crunch as step on them.  It's such a simple pleasure.  

It wasn't long ago when I was walking along with the trees and the grass all around me that I have realized that God has answered some prayers for me.  It was not that long ago that I was working in a place that made me long for the sun on my face.  I went home to the husband I never thought I would have again and I sat down and told him, "I think I prayed for this.  I think I prayed for the opportunity to walk in the sun and have the smell of cut grass and the sound of swaying leaves in my ears."  He told me that I told him that same thing.  "Maybe you did pray for it."  They even let me wear my sneakers... every day.  God is good to me.

There are things in the mix.  We need to move.  I need to finish school.  I want to pay down my debt and get in shape.  I want to read more books.  I want to keep writing.  Even with my laundry list of wants and needs, I think I want God to write His story upon my life in such a way that you can recognize His writing.  I want to be the paper, blank.  Maybe I'm the pen and the ink is in Elle color.  The pen I imagine is a marble gel pen and the color changes as you write.

So... things are not perfect, but God is so good and life is short.  Just yesterday I was in high school.  I promise you that I BLINKED and all of a sudden I'm facing fifty... FIFTY!!!  I am grateful for every second.  God has a plan and He is trustworthy.  When you get into his car, he says, "Get in and enjoy the ride."  I'm enjoying the ride.  Join me.  Praise the Lord!  

The Hard Parts

I knew when I started this season of my life that there were going to be difficult moments.  The difficult moments tend to stay difficult.  The problem is me.

I used to run and sometimes, I still do.  Running has always been a challenge for me.  I have what you would call a love/hate relationship with running.  I love when I'm finally doing it.  I don't actually like getting up to run but when I'm at the gym and getting it done, there is nothing better.  I mention this because one day I came home from an outdoor run legitimately hating the sidewalk I was running on.  As I my feet hit the pavement, I would literally curse the ground that I ran on.  Silly Woman that I am!!!  One day, I realized that the problem wasn't the sidewalk, the problem was me.  I was mad at the thing that was making it hard, not that I was in a struggle to actually run.  Did I need to say that again?

Things in my life are complicated.  I'm a proud and happy newlywed.  I am the mother to two teens (yes, a mouthful).  I have taken on a new job and I am completing what I hope is my last degree.  This is the hard part of the hike.  Some of you don't hit the peak.  You say to yourself, I did what I could and now I will turn around and head on back down.  I really want to be like this, Folks.  I'm just not made that way.  Ask my best friend, Glenda how I feel about leaving a hike before I have been to the peak.  She'll tell you that I am the most stubborn mule of a person.  Trudging, crying and exhausted, I think I am one of those that will keep on going.  This is my fuel.  I want to be done.  I want to turn around and say that it's enough.  Unfortunately, I married someone who (incredibly) just might be more stubborn than I am and he's like, "Keep going.  You got this."  I don't know whether or not I appreciate it or not. 

Lately I have been thinking, why bother?  Why bother running and making my steps?  Why try and be better so that I can do better? Why work so hard?  I mean, I'm telling you, this part is kind of hard.  I posed the question to God.  I mean... I posed the question to God after complaining.  "God, why can't I have had an easy life?  God, why are things so.. difficult?  God, I don't know if I can and I may have to give up."  I hear a gentle, "Not your way but mine."  I hear echoes of being refined by the fire.  The wise people at my church call it sanctification.  I'm not sure I'm a fan of it.   I hear God whisper, even now, "They are watching."  I wonder who He is referring to... I don't have to wonder.  I know that He is referring to my favorite audience... my children.  

They were there to see me broken and bleeding; crawling through the hardest days of my life whispering through my sobs, "Praise the Lord.  God is good to me."  I hear my advice to them when they echo back to me, "God has a plan."  Today, not too long ago my son said to me, "Wherever you go I will go. It will be good."  My every day prayer to God is for my children to see Him and know Him.  I recommend Jesus to everyone.  Now, on a hike, I'm usually the last one to get some place.  There have been times when they have left and come back to check on me and I have continued to climb in places where I have had to hug the rock with my cheek pressed against it.  Maybe, just maybe, I am modelling how to do hard things with God by my side.  I feel a metaphorical me turn around as I'm climbing my mountain and I can see that my children and my new husband are right there with me in the struggle.  They root me on.  I pray that when it is time for them to do the hard thing, they don't back out because of fear.  "God has not given us a spirit of fear but of power, love and self-control." (II Timothy 1:7)

Keep me in prayer, Friends.  Pray not that the sidewalk instantly becomes like rubber but that I have the foresight to keep running and trusting on the One with the Master Plan.  Praise the Lord!

New Things

 Tomorrow begins a new school year.  My children are currently running around the house getting ready.  They are excited for something new.  I too am preparing for new things.  Apparently, there are a lot of new things.  I don't know if you are like me but sometimes, new things are not exciting.  As adults, there are many that tend to worry instead of getting excited for the "something new."  

I find that I am living my life in hopeful expectation.  I have had a few disappointments along the way.  I am at this start and I have decided to allow my children's enthusiasm to be contagious to me.  In my head, I feel the days getting shorter.  I can almost talk myself into feeling cooler, even in Arizona.  These days that are coming are sweater days.  I look forward to cool breezes and hikes that can sometimes remind me of fall. 

Before I know it, the Fall and Winter Holidays will be among us.  This year, I have a child going into 8th grade and another going into 10th.  Where did the time go?  On social media, pictures of when they were younger pop up.  I promise you it was just yesterday.  Do I really have a child getting ready to drive?  Tears are brimming just thinking about it.  And it legitimately hurts to think that I don't have too much time with my children being children left. 

I want time to come and bring new things but then again, I want time to go slow.  In the meantime, I have been marinating on Galatians 6:9.  "And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up."  I am talking of seasons.  I have been talking of seasons.  Someone asked me about my children now.  I had to think back to 3 years ago when 2018 was the worst year of my life.  Pictures from that time and the time before hurt me.  It's like a twinge of pain.  But oh how God got us through this!!!  Don't give up, Elle.  Do good.  Do what is right.  That's all for now. Have a good school year!  Praise the Lord!!!

And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up.