What is in the Quiet

It rained not too long ago.  Now, the sun is making a valiant effort to shine and I hear the birds singing outside.  Nothing too bad can happen if the birds are singing, right?  Going through this quarantine is like learning how to find your balance.  I used to be able to skateboard as a kid.  There was this sweet spot when you are on your board and you can navigate and turn and have control.  Then you forget and you have to relearn.  There are days that I wake up and and I am flowing.  There are days that I wake up and it would seem that I have forgotten how to find it. 

It used to be that the quiet would bring sweetness and peace.  I never know what the quiet will bring today.  There are some days I avoid it.  I never understood when people said before, "It is too quiet."  I understand this now. 

There are no Sunday outfits to wear tomorrow.  I have decided on a brunch.  This is the first holiday in quarantine.  I'm thinking even now how to commemorate.  It will be quiet again.  We will attend the live stream of church.  We will be thankful to God for dying on the cross.  We will think of Him in this time and be happy.  Again, it is quieter than I would like it and I like quiet.  I wonder how some of my more extroverted friends are handling this.  I hope you are doing well.  I hope the quiet brings peace and not despair.  I hope that you have good moments with family. 

It was quiet that Saturday Jesus was in the tomb too.  It was a day of mourning.  It was a day of tears and remembering.  They didn't know.  They didn't know that on Sunday, Jesus would have risen from the dead.  Not just for them, but for all of us as well.

Be hopeful, Friends.  I will be hopeful too. Sunday is on its way.

Good Friday 2020

Good Friday last year I went to church with my children.  I sat at a restaurant and ate with friends after the service.  Today is much different than last year.

We usually go to a Tenebrae Service.  As we go through the final statements of Jesus, the lights dim.  We leave in darkness.  It feels right to mourn and grief our Lord.  I lay all of my doubts, misgivings and sin there in the dark with the hope that we win the war.

Today I did something for the first time I have not been able to do.  I thought that I was changing.  I thought that this was a new normal.  But today, I slept in.  I slept.  I lingered in bed.  I read.  I have not been able to read but today I read significantly.  Already I am thinking about the next book that I can read.  I am favoring mysteries instead of my normal Chick Lit fair.  Today I felt a little of the old me for the first time in a long time.  The me that makes plans and does not get distracted.  The me that is more brave and less scared.  The me that likes to do things and finds pleasure in the doing.  Have I just been missing him this whole time?  I think I have.  I am happy to report that on this Good Friday, I am thankful.  I have a plan for one day at a time.

Today is the day that we commemorate the dying of our Lord on the cross.  He is not dead now.  He has risen.  He didn't stay dead.  We don't stay dead, we who believe.  Even in a pandemic, Jesus is alive.  He is alive and we can live too.  Hopeful?  Yes.  I send this hope to you.

Busy Making Messes

I am an only child.  My mother had Lupus when I was growing up and she was sick often.  My bedroom was far away from my parent's bedroom.  It was at the end of a corridor.  I spent a lot of time in this bedroom.  In my head, I can see it.  I had lacy flower curtains and hot pink walls.  The furniture was white.  It was wood painted white not clapboard.  I had this huge television.  It was an incredibly girly room.  Every time my mother would leave me alone in this room, I would keep busy.  For the most part, I kept it pretty clean until I hit puberty.  Then I don't' know what happened and I can't really tell you.  But I will tell you this: I was either busy cleaning or busy making a mess.

You may not know this but I have this thing with Doritos.  I don't know if you have ever had Doritos but they are messy.  They leave crumbs.  Your fingers are sticky from eating them.  Your breath stinks.  They are wonderful.  They have no nutritional value.  They may cause you serious harm if you eat them every day.  Of course, they are my favorite!!!  I am always equating sin to these Doritos.  I'm having a bad day, I buy my Doritos and tell myself, "It's okay, Elle.  You should have these Doritos."  I'm celebrating, I buy Doritos.  I'm not doing anything at all, I'm buying Doritos.  You get the picture.  It is easy to equate these Doritos with sin.  Should I buy a box of wine?  Yes because these are trying times.  Should I get angry at my student?  Yes, I should. They should have been working.  Should I be making plans to go dancing after quarantine?  Yes.  I am making all of these plans.  I'm eating Doritos.  I am busy making a mess, Friends. 

So... I will take a moment and re-think and re-evaluate things.  It is a good time to do so.  I will take a deep breath in and out a few times and think about the things that really matter.  I am appreciative of the people in my life that make things better not worse.  Another breath in and out, I am thankful to spend so much time with my children.  Breath in and out, I will be thankful to God for providing for me and looking out for me.  I need to be busy cleaning not making a mess.  I just think sometimes you have to make a mess before you find the need to clean. 😉  That's all for now.  Stay safe and stay sane. 

Hurry Up and Wait

I am one who is always saying that life is short.  I want to fill the moments, every second and minute with things and experiences and colors.  I want to Elle-ify the world.  Why?  Because in my head, and in my space.  I am better in it, No? 

Just kidding... somewhat.  With life being so short, I want to move! Move! Move!  In New York, that bustling city it was all about movement.  But... lately my friends have been posting and all is quiet.  God bless New Yorkers trapped in the apartments.  Pray for NYC, please!  We are all at a stand still.  It is quiet and still.  I think of God, "He says, 'Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.'" Psalm 46:10.  We are waiting.  Psalm 27:14: "Wait for the LORD; Be strong and let your heart take courage; Yes, wait for the LORD."  

This whole waiting thing grates against my go-go-go nature.  It feels like I have been running just to wait; hurry up and wait.  It reminds me of something.  Back in college, the financial aid line was super long.  The first time I stayed in the line it was unbearable.  The second time, I made friends.  It started by talking with the person behind me.  I included the person in front.  We talked about nothingness, by the time we got to the front of the line, we had a party.  I learned the same trick while waiting three days in a Bronx Courthouse for Jury Duty.  Instead of Call of Duty, Call of Jury... Duty.  It sounded good in my head!!!

Okay, so... here I am waiting.  I am writing.  I am singing.  I am finally doing what I love to do as I wait on God.  I pray for those around me.  Prayer is a powerful thing.  I believe it.  Life is still too short so... I will choose to trust God.  I will choose to have faith and I will choose to be happy.  Come with me.  I think that you won't regret it.

An Isolated Palm Sunday

Today is Palm Sunday.  I had forgotten about Easter.  In my head, before the madness that is this pandemic even started really, I had imagined that it would be over by Easter.  It's not.  It would have been my daughter's official last egg hunt as a member of the children's ministry.  It would have been her last Pinewood Derby and she would have been prayed over and given something to commemorate her tenure as a child attending church for the majority of her life.  This year my children will be transitioning to high school and middle school without much fanfare.  I will fare my fan for them but it will not be the same. 

On my feeds, people are dying.  I have said, "I am sorry for your loss." more than I would have imagined.  I am sitting here looking at the palm trees that surround me.  I am praying for healing.  I don't know how to feel or what to think.  I look up to the sky and I am thankful this day.  I am thankful to God.  You see, I want to be worried.  I want to read all of the articles and I want to worry about when things will get back to the alleged 'normal.'  I want to wallow in the muck of worry and anxiety and have an excuse to behave badly.  Instead I sit here and say silent prayers.  I thank and believe in God.

I heard from someone recently that religious people are the worst.  Aren't we though?  I know that I am no angel.  I tell people that I am one of those Christians that really do need Jesus.  You know what I mean, "That girl needs some Jesus!!!"  Yes I do.  Hence the hotter mess tag everywhere.  Let's not forget how much I need Jesus. 

I have no more words to write for now.  I am praying for you all.  If you need to believe in something, I offer to you God.  That's all for now.  Praise God!

Perfect Day

At the end of the movie, "A.I. (Artificial Intelligence)," the Pinocchio figure, David, was granted a perfect day.  I remembered crying at the end of the movie.  I watched it the first time with Santi. A perfect day was enough for this boy for the eternity that he would continue to exist.  Can you imagine living in a memory?

A few years ago, I asked Santi if he had one day to live, what would he do?  He described our Saturday.  Wake up late and hang out in bed reading or talking.  We would get up late morning/early afternoon to have lunch.  We would watch a movie or clean up.  Early evening we would go for a walk, and maybe watch the sunset.  We would come home and either make dinner or go to one of our favorite places to eat.  Maybe we would go shopping; maybe we would go to the mall.  Santi's idea of a perfect was every day.  We had a lot of perfect days.  I think back on them and I wonder if all my perfect days have past.

Listen to me carefully, even if I never live another perfect day again, God is good.  That statement right there is warmer and more comforting than all of the perfect days I have been blessed to have.  In the midst of this quarantine that has lasted longer than imagined and will continue to last, I look around and see that I have been blessed beyond all measure.  I have my two babies.  Somehow, God in his infinite wisdom, has allowed me to have two beautiful children.  Every day, life is a blessing.

Today in the midst of a pandemic, I worked.  I was able to talk to some parents, kids and teachers.  I went on a hike with my children.  I saw the sky and I let the sun hit my face.  We then bought water and some food.  We argued and fought.  We laughed and leaned on each other.  We ate good food.  Every day has the ability to be a good day, no... a great day.  Maybe even a perfect day.  You never know.  Praise God!!!

Staying Sane

My late husband (it is strange and unnatural to use this term) would tell me that I was a little crazy.  It would come out in arguments.  It was as if he was protecting me from the truth of myself and all of the worst things I suspected about myself would come out because we were fighting.  One of those things is being crazy. 

Gnarls Barkley's hit song, "Crazy" resonates with my ideas of insanity.  I see insanity as an abyss or another country and some of us get closer to the line than others.  In college I wrote a poem about the freedom that insanity allows you.  There is a permissiveness that society lends those who are "off." It is not my intention to make fun of or lessen the plight of those suffering from mental illness.  I do think that we are fragile beings who are vulnerable to bouts of mental illness or lapses of sanity and that we do well in remembering this. 

Here I am, attempting to work from home.  I wake up.  I start my day.  I attend meetings.  I talk to people through video chat and phone calls.  I attempt to help and console, especially my students.  In the evenings, I go to a nearby park and I sit and watch the sunset.  I then walk home attempting to make my steps.  Once home, I cook or spend time with my children.  We may clean or make plans.  We take stock.  I am acclimating myself to it.  It is helpful to have a routine.  I find I am just as busy if not busier.  At the end of the day I do not want to look at screens or read.  I am already tired.  Video chatting is not the same as meeting with people.  However, I have been able to stave away any negative mental activity... for the most part.

I find that I was more introverted as long as I had a person at home.  I am less so now.  I am not alone.  I have my children and God.  I am comforted by this.  I have missed putting my head on a shoulder.  So simple and yet... so telling.  I could borrow a shoulder but what I think about when I do is, "Not mine."  Some people can borrow books.  Other people need to buy their own.  I can borrow a book but when it comes to leaning on someone, I want that person to be mine. 

Thinking back on my younger years, I wondered how I did it.  Younger people have more friends that are willing to do things with you.  We are not all hampered by our own lives yet.  I grew up with a girl by the name of Joanne.  I think of her as my sister.  We spent endless time together, before life crept in.  She was my person.  I had her and my father and by extension, her family.  I have friends now.  I hate imposing though.  But I will if I need to, and I have needed to. 

My advice to you is impose.  I always think about the shortness of life.  Do this to stay sane.  Do this in order to keep others sane.  Text too much.  Write letters and Pray, pray pray to our God who loves to be called upon.  I am sending virtual hugs out right now to each of you reading.  May God bless you and keep you... sane.