Monday, February 8, 2021


 Every now and again it happens.  It comes out of nowhere.  There you are walking around living your life and BOOM!!!  There is a heaviness.  Nothing makes sense.  There is anxiety and panic.  There is sometimes a restlessness.  There is depression.  Depression...

After my undergrad, I was having a hard time.  I was in grad school for an English Masters.  I was so tired I couldn't get up out of bed.  I didn't understand what was happening to me.  I went to the doctor and was told that I had clinical depression.  At the time, I didn't feel depressed.  I just felt tired.  I was put on medication that I hated.  It made me feel even worse, it took away my ability to feel anything.  I would rather feel sadness than nothing at all.  

I don't remember how I got out of that particular hole but I remember after giving birth the sadness that I had.  Many of you will say that I was a victim of post partum depression.  There is every possibility that you may be right.  However, I discovered my gluten-intolerance after giving birth to my babies.  I remember feeling lighter after only one week of being off of gluten.  It was this more than anything that led me to understand that gluten sensitivity affected not only my skin and my digestive tract, but my mood as well.  I remember telling a friend of the raw hole that the depression created in my heart.  It felt real.  It felt like I needed to cover my heart to help keep the hole from seeping blood.  It was this pain that I felt while grieving.  It felt like I would never again be able to appreciate a sunny day.  Prayer and Bible reading help with this pain but eventually, it comes back to haunt me again.  

I appreciate this aspect of humanity.  The pain and the mire remind me that this world is not my home.  It reminds me of my need for Jesus.  Today for a brief while, I felt... depression.  It was a mild case.  I had some sugar this weekend and sugar always affects me poorly.  I had some protein.  I had some broccoli (a mood stabilizer).  I drank my coffee and I am currently thankful.  It's still there hiding but right now the sun is shining and I am grateful.  Praise the Lord!!!  I pray for those with moments and lifetimes with this feeling.  I am so sorry.  I understand in part what you must battle.  Keep fighting, Friends!!!

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