A World on Fire

Today I looked up the curfew laws for Phoenix.  It's too hot to leave the house earlier than 8 pm.  It is so hot, in fact, that today as I was returning two precious little girls back to their parents, as I stood in the driveway, my better brand flip flops' sole melted off the shoe.  They are beyond repair.  I have many pairs of shoes so it was not a problem to dig another pair out of my closet. The problem is not the shoes.  There is a curfew order in a city so hot that we could bake food on the sidewalk.  We walk for our sanity, my daughter and me.  Am I to tell her that we will not be walking today?  Is is safe for us to walk around our block and our home?  What are my alternatives to not walking?  The world is on fire.  

Did you know that we continue to be in the midst of a pandemic?  Do you know that it is summer and nothing is like it was?  I walk around and it is a maelstrom of emotions, tensions, beliefs, with temperatures and fears creating a fire storm.  When the heat hits, just like my shoe, no matter the brand or how well it is made, things fall apart.  How are things worse?  How?  A curfew? Now?  Isn't anger like a flame?  It has ignited.  It is spreading like the wildfire that it is.  We are all affected now.  Maybe it is more than a virus that infects us.  I went to get some food for the kids.  Their favorite restaurant is not open.  We went someplace else and it is only open for take out... still.  It has not gotten better.  It has gotten worse somehow, so much worse.  

I can't talk about anger.  I can't talk about how it burns.  I understand anger well.  In fact, I have had some anger issues.  Anger comes about when we don't trust God to handle things in His perfect timing  We want the satisfaction of revenge by our own hands.  We want to see justice served.  Justice takes its time and we are impatient.  There is fear and out of fear has only come anger.  I have never seen a demon or the devil but I can see his handy work in this.  There are squeals of glee that can be heard in the midst of the storm that we mistake for pain.  Does hell really have fire?  Is there brimstone?  Hell's fire has reached this world.

James 4:7 says, 
"Submit yourselves therefore to God.  Resist the devil, and he will flee from you."  

Isaiah 25:4

"For you have been a stronghold to the poor, a stronghold to the needy in his (her) distress, a shelter from the storm and a shade from the heat; for the breath of the ruthless is like a storm against a wall,"

I will wrap myself in God's fireproof blanket.  I will listen to God when he says to wait on Him.  It's not easy.  But God isn't a genie that we wish upon, is He?  I tell my soul, "Be still, Soul.  Be still that God is on His throne and He reigns."  Elle!!!  Elle, aren't you angry?!  Elle, don't you want to do something?  ELLE!!!  Dear Friend, you really do think much of me!  I am but a small woman, a widow... really.  I have in my care but two children.  But I can whisper into the ear of a Big God and I know, I KNOW that He hears me.  There is a plan.  Who am I to mess with it?  Who are you to fix this broken world?  I would advocate for you to meet with the Creator, the Maker of the Universe and whisper in His ear too.  Maybe then, instead of anger and fear from the pits of hell, there you will find peace.  Try it.  Let me know how it works for you  Maybe I'm wrong.  I'm often wrong.  I don't have any other solutions to offer you.  May God bless you, Reader and Friend.  May the God (El-Roi) who sees, grant you peace to you and of your household.  Praise the Lord!

Children- Plural

I was teaching in a sweet little school in the South Bronx.  I had recently given birth to my daughter.  I recall coming up to the third floor and running into Mrs. Rodriguez.  She had the classroom at the end of the hall right next to Margaret's  They were such good teachers.  I learned with the best!  In any case, she came up to me and asked, "How are your children?"  It was the first time someone had asked after my children (plural).  I had two at this point.  I had one of each, a boy and a girl.  How in the world did someone let me walk out of that hospital with my two children?

After I had given birth to my son, they let me out..  They gave me my child and they let me walk through the front door of the hospital.  I was more concerned with keeping him alive than having the existential musings of having actual little humans in my care. I would stare at him and watch for the rising and falling of his little baby chest.  He actually fit in the newborn clothes I had bought for him.  He had this microfiber green track suit that was so impossibly small.  The dolls that I had as a kid were bigger. My daughter was different in that they released me prior to releasing her.  I remember dressing her for the cold New York City winter in a little snowsuit.  Even then I wondered if they had speculations on the health of each child they released out into the world with their parents.  I cried as I drove home with her.  I was the mother of children.  I had children- plural.   

All of these lost thoughts happened over 12 years ago.  I think about the different phases my children have gone through.  They are at the beginning of their adolescence now.  Is this the last leg?  Let me tell you, it goes by supper fast.  I was arguing with my son.  I thought about his little attitude.  Is he like this with everyone?  What does he need to learn yet?  Whatever I don't teach my children, the world with teach them without love.  It is my way or the hard way.  Sometimes you need the hard way, kids don't trust that you are telling them the truth.  They think there is a hyperbole present.  Or they tend to think that you are so old that you, me, we are out of touch the lessons of the world.  We aren't.

I told him that I had at least 4 more years to teach him.  With Janet, I have 6 more years.  At this point, I'm correcting and explaining.  I pray that they love Jesus.  I pray that they follow the Way.  I pray that they learn from God's Word.  It's all in the Good Book, you have no idea.  I am not blind to the evil in this world.  Again... I don't have all of the answers.  I will not be with them all of the time.  I can only pray and hope in the wonderful plan that God has for us.  Believe, Friends.  I know it doesn't look good but believe and trust in God.  Praise the Lord! 

Justice

What do I teach my children about justice?  

I'll leave that question hanging there for a moment.  

I'm afraid that I don't have any real answers.

I talked to them about this incident with George Floyd.  Since their father's death, they see death as death.  The way they make sense about it is that it was his time to go.  They believe this because I have taught them that God is sovereign.  Then there is the evil conundrum to consider. Because there is sin and evil in the world, the world is broken.  The miracle is that anything good can happen at all.  I'm afraid that I have contributed to the bad.  "Let he that is without sin throw the first stone."  (John 8:7) Well, I'm not in the "without sin" column, so I have no right to analyze the thought processes of every individual and all of their traumas.  Wrong doing merits consequences.  One way or another, there will be consequences.  Please Lord, let me not contribute any more evil in the world.  And try as I might, I really don't believe that two wrongs will make a right.    

I don't have all of the answers.  I don't even understand all of the questions. What I don't want is to teach hate out of all of this.  God commands us to love and we are to leave justice to those appointed.  The ultimate justice belongs to God.  He says, "Vengeance is mine." (Romans 12:19)  God sees everything. If it was my child, if it was my family member, I would be angry.  I would be tired.  I am tired now.  I understand that I am waiting for God to come.  I may die before the second coming.  I'm okay with that.  I get to go home.  I will attest that in this life there is evil.  In this life, there is pain.  I have felt it.  I have done it.  Anger hasn't helped me as much as forgiveness has.  When people ask me why I believe, I tell them that I believe because I have seen and felt God in my life.  It's something that I can't ignore.  And for if one minute, I doubt His existence, I don't have to go far to find it again.  I look at the sun setting and I know for a fact that there is a God and He loves me.  So I will follow Him.  I will follow Him like a sheep.  We are all sheep.  If we aren't following a shepherd then we tend to just be lost.  Well, I'm following.  You can judge me.  You can watch.  I am teaching my children to follow and to love.  So when someone comes to them asking for grace, they can give it.  When evil is done to them, they can forgive and not put any more evil out in this awful world.  

I will pray (as if my small prayers can do anything).  I will pray for God to bring peace and to allow for something good to happen out of all of this.  I pray for justice and validation.  I will pray for the families.  

Go on ahead and have an opinion if you must.  I'm putting this out here so I understand that you could and should criticize.  "As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord." (Joshua 24:15)

A Touch of PMS

PMS stands for Pre-Menstrual Syndome.  I get a touch of PMS.  I'm going to take a minute to describe it to you all because I think everyone has their own shares of it.  About 14-10 days before the cycle begins again, it starts with a craving, usually for something cheesy.  In the better 2 weeks, I have an aversion to sugary stuff.  This is because when those cravings hit, I can eat candy like it is going out of style.  Santi used to call it BP... I call it BP, Bottomless Pit Syndrome.  I think that I will never stop eating.  If it was only the physical stuff, the bloating, the cramps, the exhaustion, then I would be okay.   But there is more. 

In the Harry Potter series, they have this thing called Dementors.  When they come around, it feels as if you will never be happy again.  They go away when you call on your own personal Patronus, a spirit animal that comes and chases the Dementors away.  After a run in, it is best to eat chocolate.  I figured that J.K. Rowling invented these creatures after having a rough bout of PMS.  Broccoli helps.  Chocolate?  Most definitely helps.  But Ms. Rowling got one thing right. In order to get through it, you have to call on the Spirit.  

When these dark moments come, I know they are not real.  I know the truth but the difference between knowing and feeling are continents away and I call on God.  I wonder what kind of trouble women who have PMS have gotten themselves into not knowing what to do to get through it all.  After praying it is best to have yourself some chocolate.  I am always thankful for God and chocolate!!!

Bloated and feeling poorly, fatigued and overwhelmed, maybe that old serpent comes round again to convince us of some more lies, he's invented.  I caught him telling me that I will never be happy again.  He whispered to me with his forked tongue that I was nothing but a useless muggle.  Useless!!!  I will have you know that every day I wake up it is because my time has not come.  This means I'm still fighting the good war.  

My daughter who has started the cycle asked me why.  I read to her Genesis 3.  Her first response was, "That's not fair.  What do the boys have to go through?"  I read their curse to her.  She stayed quiet.  I will make sure she has chocolate for her dementor days.  I will teach her to call, not on some silly Patronus but on God Himself to help her through it.  Not just her dementor days, all of the days, but especially the dementor days.  Be kind.  Love your neighbor.  Eat your broccoli and have chocolate in the house.  Call on God.  He will answer you.  Watch out for those dementors.  

Memorial Day Musings

Memorial Day- it is a special day that we remember our fallen soldiers.  I think of soldiers now.  Pray for our soldiers, Friends.  Pray for the opportunity to find Christ.  Pray for the fellowship of Christ upon their lives.  You see, Dear Friends, yesterday I found myself blue (or having the mean reds ala Holly Go-Lightly).  Moments of my day were interrupted by Loneliness.  Don't worry.  I told him to buzz off.  He didn't, much like the flies that buzz around in the summer haziness that is approaching.  I pulled out the big guns.  I pulled out my prayer journal.  I pulled out my Bible.  I put out the bug zapper of God and I was relieved of the pests of loneliness.  Yes, God helped me.  After everything was said and done, I wondered how in the world people without God live in this life.  How dark do their days get?  How do they function?  I think that I can be a fragile and sensitive soul but how are people functioning? 

Yesterday being Memorial Day, I thought of those souls who have volunteered to defend and protect us.  Listen!  I don't care about your politics!  This has nothing to do about politics right now!  These guys are out there in the world following orders, regardless of what you think.  So... I was thinking about them, far from home and missing loved ones.  Heck!!  They may be missing their frenemies out there!!!  I'm sure that they can even miss their mail carrier if you let them.  I'm sure the flies of loneliness are more like pterodactyls attacking our men in the front.  I can't even imagine. 

Prayer works.  I pray for them.  I pray for their souls and their salvation.  This post started as something else but here I am talking about prayer.  Prayer gives us hope and power where desperation does nothing but sinks us further into the abyss.  No words?  No problem.  God is fluent in depression.  Sometimes all we have is the intention as we turn our face to God.  Sometimes all we have is "Jesus" on our lips to pray.  It is enough.  Don't believe me?  Try it.  I'm going to pray now.  Borrow my prayer if you must.  I'd rather you pray than not pray.

Dear God,

I pray for those who are in need of You today, Lord.  I pray for our soldiers who have volunteered their time and their lives to fight for our freedoms..  I pray for their hearts.  I pray for their loneliness.  I pray that You reach them and help them.  I pray that they learn about You, God.  I pray that they learn that it is You that fills the heart and the soul with good things. 

I pray for those who are not soldiers but who are fighting.  They are fighting with pain and loneliness.  They are fighting hopelessness and disease.  I pray that you be with them, those that know you and those that don't.  I pray that you be with them and help them in this battle.  I pray that they find words to call to You, Oh Great God!  Please LORD, be with them.  I praise You and thank You for Your goodness.  I love You.

Amen

Envy

A friend of mine that I used to date had divorced some time last year.  We commiserated on his situation.  He's a nice guy.  It was a bad situation.  He had taken it badly.  He got over it and was ready to move on.  Today as I was scrolling through Facebook, his beautiful new girlfriend posted a picture of them.  It was a beautiful picture.  Her post was so happy.  And I am happy for her.  I am happy for him.  I am happy for them... now that I have had a chance to react, pray, pull out my hair a little.  It punched me in the stomach and I was not ready for it... Envy.

I'm sure I'm the only one who struggles with envy.  It's such a telling emotion.  It points to all the things we leave in the dark hidden recesses of our heart.  No.  Envy is best in pulling it out of its corners and presenting it to God with pained, hurt-filled tears.  It's then you realize the little and big lies you have been telling yourself.

I had stopped dating but I hadn't realized that I didn't stop hoping that I would find someone.  There was a part of me that waits.  I don't know if I should be waiting.  I can't seem to get used to being single.  It's like stepping into a pool of too cold water and hoping that you will eventually adjust.  I think ahead when my children have left the nest in pursuit of their own adventures and I will be left with the quiet.  I'm not sure if it taunts me or comforts me.  I find that I am afraid of this unknown.  Look at all the things that are already being exposed!

Knowing my children, another scenario unfolds.  Here they are brimming with life and adventure but they feel tethered to their single, widowed mother.  Regardless of how I protest, they stay behind and let opportunities go out of duty, obligation or guilt.  My heart breaks in just thinking of it.  No my children.  Go and see the world.  I want what God wants for them.  I want them to be brave and bold and to go forth.  If they stay it is because they want to, not because they need to. 

I think through the mental rolodex of men in my mind, giving consideration to each.  I literally shake my head, no.  And even if there was, would I be ready?  Again, I shake my head, no. A picture was taken of my flabby arms and short stubby legs.  I'm looking at it.  Yeah, it's a hard sell.  I can't imagine what it looks like to everyone else.  I imagine that most people see me as a colorful, bright wolverine.  Cute like a small bear but a little aggressive.  My chunkiness is part of how I am seen, part of who I am.  Adele recently lost a lot of weight and I found myself trying to recognize her.  Imagine a me you can no longer recognize.  Do I want that?  I don't want to have to... (lose weight, cut my hair, change my favorite color, stop being messy, stop reading, dye my hair a normal color, etc...) to have someone fall in love with me (that was hard to write).  Being real and keeping it real is hard.

James talks about it:
"Who is wise and understanding among you?  Let him show by good conduct that his works are done in the meekness of wisdom.  But if you have bitter envy and self-seeking in your hearts, do not boast and lie against the truth.  This wisdom does not descend from above, but is earthly, sensual, demonic.  For where envy and self-seeking exist, confusion and every evil thing are there.  But the wisdom that is from above is pure, then peaceable, gentle, willing to yield, full of mercy and good fruits, without partiality and without hypocrisy.  Now the fruit of righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace."  James 3:13-18

That's not to say that envy doesn't happen.  Obviously it does.  I think it advises against keeping it in the dark.  I wish that this is the only envious circumstance.  It's not.  I'm telling you.  I'm a hot mess.  And apparently I may not write the book but I can write enough for a book on my hot mess-ness.  Pray for my envious heart, Friends.  I guess we are cleaning out everything!  That's all for now.   Praise the Lord!!!

Promotions and Graduations

Today both of my children are promoted.  David goes to high school 😭 and Janet goes to middle school.  This pandemic has taken the wind out of my sails.  I would normally be on high movement and high emotion and today came quiet and peacefully.  Honestly, today I would not be able to take all of that emotion and I want to think that God understood that I needed a quieter transition than I normally would have had.  In any case, I am thankful.

On my timeline, pictures of graduations past pop up and I can't help but think that today would be graduation, TODAY.  I don't know how I would have wrangled everything together for both Janet and David.  I want to praise God in my unknowing.  I want to believe that this situation has worked out for me even though my babies will not have the moving up/promotion ceremony they were hoping for.

I think of the students that are graduating.  I have a big bunch this year.  I am in prayer for them.  I will miss them.  I have had some of them since freshman year.  I can't imagine not seeing them any more in the hallways.  I am happy for them.  Time goes by so quickly, Friends.  Soon, my babies who are living with me now will be getting ready to graduate from high school and college.  Other friends have warned me that it goes by quickly.  Soon, I will have an empty nest.  I don't know how to think about this.  It's sounds too quiet even for this girl that likes quiet.  I can't imagine. 

The Lord is with us, regardless.  I want to peek ahead but I understand that my mind can't handle that right now.  I will just hug my babies and worry about the things that are happening today.  God says that today has enough to worry about  (Matthew 6:34).  Okay, God, Let's just finish today and when tomorrow comes, You let me know what we are doing. 

Congratulations to those graduates, and students moving up.  God bless you.  Do great things!!!