Changing Focus: A Confession

 It's Thursday evening and I find myself surprised.  I am working on reading a chapter on management.  I find as I am reading that this is thrilling. You may not know this but I am basking in a second chance.  I failed.  I failed brilliantly and here I am with the opportunity to do something else.  I am thankful to God for bestowing on me honor that I truly don't deserve and yet, here I am.  This is the grace of God.  

I had been working for years on trying to get my EdD.  I was hoping to get my educational doctorate in organizational leadership.  I was under the idea that I would like in Higher Education in some way or shape.  So I worked.  I went through all the phases.  I went up to submitting my proposal for AQR review when the review board let me know that I would not be able to complete my study in time for my April 2023 deadline.  I had worked tirelessly and it was so stressful.  In all transparency, I confess to you now that my drive for  the doctorate dried up when my late husband died.  What was I working so hard for?  I continued for the sake of my children but in the time that I attempted the last of it I had: dated for a year, I was a single mother, got married, changed jobs, changed homes, changed cars and in all of that changing, I changed focus.  

The university let me know that I had done enough work to be conferred a Masters of Science degree in Organizational Leadership.  I happily agreed to complete my last two classes.  I am currently taking a Leadership class that has a focus on various industries and I'm happy to read several chapters a week, write papers and contribute to online discussion boards.  

I sit here taking a moment from my reading and note taking as I look around to the busy and messy dining room table I am working on.  I look around my house and I need to clean, or my children need to clean but for the most part my house looks like a home.  My children are under my roof, driving me crazy, a sure sign of love and happiness and I praise God for His faithfulness in my life.  I don't know how to live in this world without Jesus. 

And friend, I am so looking forward to the next adventure.  Buckle in your seatbelts.  I'm sure it will be an epic adventure.  Praise the Lord!

National Day of Failing and of Resting

 I got out of the car today as I was coming home.  It was a long Monday.  I had the radio on and the disc jockey stated that today was the National Day of Failing and of Resting.  I told my dear sweet husband this as I walked through the door.  He said something like, "Well, now that you have failed, you can rest."  Isn't that the truth!!!!

I sat there.  I have to fill out some papers and scan them in.  I am preparing for the last two classes.  I picked up a book and again, my dear sweet husband tells me, "What!  You think you can read now because you aren't writing?"  I laughed. This is exactly how I felt.  

Later, I spoke to my chair over the phone.  We reflected.  She told me how amazing and how proud she was of all of the work that I had put into my degree.  I was so close but I really don't feel bad.  I fought so hard for so long to try and finish.  I am ok walking away with the consolation prize of a lesser degree.  God has a plan in place.  He has a good plan for me.  Maybe the way to proper is to first fail.  

I find today apropos for the sentiment.  Already I feel myself letting go.  I feel aspects of myself already growing again after being stifled for so long.  I thought it would be hard to write about but... it's not.  God is for me, then who can be against me? (paraphrasing Romans 8 here).  Today I took time out of my day to give thanks and praise to God Who looks out to me.  I am now and have been, blessed beyone all measure.

The Bible says that the ending of something is better than the beginning.  There is relief and peace.  I am humbled, but in a good way and now there is more of me to spread (because there is a lot of me to spread).  I'm excited to see what the Lord has next for me.  In the meantime, Praise the Lord!

Failing

 A few years ago, right before my late husband died, I went on a hike with my children.  It was hard to find the starting point and when we finally got there I was faced with a very steep climb ahead of me.  I trudged along as my children went ahead of me.  At some point I lost my son and my daughter had to rush ahead while I sat crying amidst a legitimate panic attack wondering if my son was okay.  He was almost to the top when his little sister found him and told him to go all the way back down to where I was.  Together we continued up this hill where older ladies were passing me and there was a couple that ran up the hill.  I could barely walk up it.  My hips were screaming and my back was done with my efforts.  Still I climbed to where the hill plateaued.  I was so happy to reach it to this mark.  I thought I had reached the top.  But when I looked out, I could see that there was still about a horizontal mile before I made it to the tippy top.  I didn't continue.  I stopped where I was.  I took a picture of my children and then we started making our way home.  We were exhausted.  At the time, James, my late husband was home.  He would pass away within the month.  I remember talking to him about the hike and he asked for us to bring us food from Denny's when we ordered our victory lunch.  I feel that this forshadows a journey that has taken years to take.

I started an academic program years ago.  I did well but this week I was told that I would not be able to finish the initial program.  I was given the benefit of a consolation prize.  I will be able to complete a Masters degree. I agreed.  It isn't what I wanted but it is what I am getting. 

My initial reaction was this feeling of failure and of being a loser.  I am hard on myself but after prayer and my current husband boistering up my spirits, I am thankful for the opportunity and honestly, I am relieved.  It feels like I have my life back.  I am going through the hoops of finishing up the degree. and I'm... at peace and happy.  I don't think that this is the right reaction but yet, here I am.  Thank you, Jesus.  I prayed for an option and this is the option and I'm so good with it all.

I think for a moment of the people that are disappointed in me.  I'm not so disappointed.  I want to believe that I am where God wants me to be.  I am thankful for His providence.  I look forward to the future and I am hopefully trusting in God.  

There are many changes afoot.  There have been many changes afoot.  It has been a complicated time but I am glad to be out of the tunnel breathing the fresh air again.  I don't have the heaviness of having something beyond my scope weighing me.  Let's be clear, I could have done it.  But I didn't and I'm okay with that.  Praise the Lord!

A Teacher's Prayer

 The other day I was watching a stand up comedian and I looked at my husband and I told him, "I think I can do that."  He told me to sit down.  I mean, I think that I am funny.  I can be funny.  I think I meant to say that in my whiny voice.  Can you hear it if I say, "Think more whiny."  I can be funny.  In my head it came out exactly how I expected.  Maybe I should take his advice and learn to sit down.

I had big dreams.  I have always had big dreams.  I had this sense of who I was.  I still have that confidence in who I am.  I look around the room where I am working.  Well, maybe I can work on a few things.  Here is the thing, if God meant for me to have a different life then, maybe I would have a different life.  I can't tell you how much I have tried to escape teaching and yet here I am... teaching.  "God," I pray. "Really, God?  Is there any way that I could try something else?"  I look around and I try applying for other jobs.  There should be no reason why I don't get another job and yet, I am overlooked.  I pray to God and I can hear that those jobs were not meant for me.  "But, God, I never wanted to teach."  I ran from teaching the way that Jonah ran away from Nineveh.  He spent three days in a whale and still had to go back and prophesy to Nineveh.  God will tell me that it is not about what I want but what He wants.  I should want what he wants.  

This year, I have started embracing teaching in my own way.  I wanted a plant theme and I went out and went crazy getting plants.  I want to teach the students how to have a growth mindset instead of a fixed mindset.  Already they are warming up to me.  I bought a shirt that announced to the world that I was a teacher.  I think I have finally embraced my occupation.  I am waving my white flag.  Okay, God, I am a teacher.  I very educated and degreed teacher.  I think that there is a possibility that I can do this job well.  We will soon find out.  

It is the second week of school and already I am tired.  I look forward to cooler days and celebrations.  I look forward to the breaks found throughout the school year.  I look up what this state is willing to do to help teachers make ends meet.  There appears to be a disrespect for teachers as professionals.  It's hard to make a comfortable life.  We need more teachers to help spread the need out.  I talk to kids, I tell them to consider teaching.  They smile.  I can almost see the head shake.  Everyone knows that teachers have a bad deal.  

God, help the teachers this year as they educate and fight for their students.  God open up hearts and mind to receive knowledge.  I pray that parents hear and understand what we are trying to say.  I pray that you help the teacher's heart.  Help them to be strong in a hard job.  Please God, have mercy on our teacher.  

Amen.

Have you prayed for your children's teachers lately?  I would recommend it.  Ask them how we could be praying for them and then pray for them.  They have your children for a big chunk of the day.  Consider that.  In the meantime, praise the Lord!

On the Verge of Doing or Not Doing

I think that all of us has been faced with hard things, things that make us question if the better thing would be to leave.  You should know that I am not one of those people.  Usually when presented with something difficult, I am the one that says, "Let's keep on going."  When the pain is too great I am the one who says, "Praise You, Jesus because I know that you are with me."  That is unless I have a charlie horse, then I'm cursing up a blue streak.  Or if I forget that I have a small cut on my hand and I put on hand sanitizer; that's the devil riling me up.

Okay, in any case, this year has been a rough year.  I have been working and struggling with the completion of a very personal goal.  I promise I'll share about it soon.  I was contemplating giving up.  I asked myself, "Who would you be if you just gave up?  What would it mean?  How would you handle it?"  And honestly, it didn't feel good.  I talked about it with God and I really wanted to hear what He had to say about the matter.  I talked to my husband and I then brought the issue around to my children.  They have to live with their mother failing too.

My kids are so loving and supportive but it was my daughter who called me to task and let me know that I am not a quitter and that she knew that I could accomplish this goal.  I guess you could say that this is what I needed in order to face my Goliath with some stones, borrowed from my little girl.  

But being in this place leaves you paralyzed and scared.  I was simultaneously ashamed and weakened by the prospect of failing.  And here is the thing, I may still fail.  It is not done.  I understand now why God states that the end of something is better than the beginning (Ecclesiastes 7:8). How many people are stuck in a shame pattern due to the inability either physicially, emotionally or mentally, to finish a goal?  I understand that.  I mean, not everyone has someone in their corner.  Not everyone has the assurances of God in their lives.  

Here is what I want you to do.  Be kind to people.  Pray for them as the smallest act.  Because there are people who have spent their whole lives in the year that I have had and I can't even imagine.  

And if you are one of these people, just know that I am praying for you right now, Dear Reader, that the Lord unfreeze you and that you have faith in God to move on or away from this thing that has a hold of you.  You are loved.  Praise God!  That's all.

Hedging Bets

 From what I understand, hedging a bet is betting on two sides at once to guarantee some sort of win.  From a religious standpoint, it is a big no no as the children of Israel had not problems doing this with God and with the idols they have been punished for.  It's like those people who wear a cross and carry a lucky rabbit's foot around.  

Well... in a sense, I have been hedging my bets when it comes to my life.  I feel like these days, I'm in a Sliding Doors situation where if I go one way, I'll have one kind of life and if I go another way, I will have another kind of life.  So, the only thing to do is to pray about it all.  I'm so distracted, even my prayers have been disjointed and unorganized.  As I look around my home, there is detritus of my indecision everywhere.  I'm living two halves of a life and it shows.  

At night as I lay in bed, I thank God.  "Thank you, Lord Jesus for this day that you have given me."  I do this because I have no idea what my next day will be.  Even now, today, I had banked on having time off before I start school and now I have been told that I have trainings.  Already my days are filled.  Did I do everything that I wanted to do prior to starting school?  No!  It is a resounding no!

So, I am trying to lean, not on myself, not on what I think I know or on any other subsequent idol like technology.  I am fervently trying to lean on God.  I understand that this is a messy time in my life.  I am all discombobulated vehemently.  I don't have an idea of what to do next year but I know that God knows and that just has to be enough for me.  This is the hard part, right?  This is the part that has me relooking at dates and times to make sure that I am enough to remember.  When do the kids have what meeting?  What appointments have I lined up?  I mean, it wouldn't hurt to get an app to help but ultimately, I am leaning on God to guide me.  Praise the Lord!  

In The Wrong

About two weeks ago, I was in a small car accident.  It was more like a car incident.  In any case, I reported it to my insurance and I called the other cars insurance to see if I can get my very minor damages covered.  The whole situation was not as black and white as I would have liked it to be but in talking with my husband, he said not to be surprised if I was found liable.  In other words, there was a possibility that I would be found in the wrong.  I fought this label very hard.  I was not in the wrong!!!  I mean there I was driving my car, minding my business, trying to get home and CRASH!  There was other things that didn't feel right either.  Again, the purpose of this post is not to get people on my side but to explore this process that I went through.  

I recently heard back from the insurance company and they deemed me, "in the wrong."  I'm still fighting it.  This whole thing has made me feel very insecure about my driving and my capabilities.  I feel that I am a very capable driver so it is hard for me to accept, if possible, user error.  Why do I fight this so hard?  Am I so good that I can't be deemed in the wrong?  I can tell you that I know me and I'm not so right.  In fact, there is nothing really about me that is in the right... except Jesus.  

Romans 3:10 tells us that there is none righteous.  Yes, I said it right, not a one.  God is the one who redeems us and makes us righteous.  After being in my ego for a while and having to confront my... what is it called again?  Humanity, having to confront my humanity.  I now have a lot of things to talk myself into: getting my mind ready to start work again; summer cleaning the house and working on things that should have been done but are not.  What are those things?  I don't really want to talk about it because there is a possibility I may not be able to complete a goal.  My fragile ego is taking some blows but God is with me and He makes me righteous.  I need to trust in God.  

Confession is good for the soul.  As I get ready to go and do things that need to be done, what do you need to talk to yourself about?  I can't be the only one, can I?  In any case, even if I am, praise the Lord!