Failing

 A few years ago, right before my late husband died, I went on a hike with my children.  It was hard to find the starting point and when we finally got there I was faced with a very steep climb ahead of me.  I trudged along as my children went ahead of me.  At some point I lost my son and my daughter had to rush ahead while I sat crying amidst a legitimate panic attack wondering if my son was okay.  He was almost to the top when his little sister found him and told him to go all the way back down to where I was.  Together we continued up this hill where older ladies were passing me and there was a couple that ran up the hill.  I could barely walk up it.  My hips were screaming and my back was done with my efforts.  Still I climbed to where the hill plateaued.  I was so happy to reach it to this mark.  I thought I had reached the top.  But when I looked out, I could see that there was still about a horizontal mile before I made it to the tippy top.  I didn't continue.  I stopped where I was.  I took a picture of my children and then we started making our way home.  We were exhausted.  At the time, James, my late husband was home.  He would pass away within the month.  I remember talking to him about the hike and he asked for us to bring us food from Denny's when we ordered our victory lunch.  I feel that this forshadows a journey that has taken years to take.

I started an academic program years ago.  I did well but this week I was told that I would not be able to finish the initial program.  I was given the benefit of a consolation prize.  I will be able to complete a Masters degree. I agreed.  It isn't what I wanted but it is what I am getting. 

My initial reaction was this feeling of failure and of being a loser.  I am hard on myself but after prayer and my current husband boistering up my spirits, I am thankful for the opportunity and honestly, I am relieved.  It feels like I have my life back.  I am going through the hoops of finishing up the degree. and I'm... at peace and happy.  I don't think that this is the right reaction but yet, here I am.  Thank you, Jesus.  I prayed for an option and this is the option and I'm so good with it all.

I think for a moment of the people that are disappointed in me.  I'm not so disappointed.  I want to believe that I am where God wants me to be.  I am thankful for His providence.  I look forward to the future and I am hopefully trusting in God.  

There are many changes afoot.  There have been many changes afoot.  It has been a complicated time but I am glad to be out of the tunnel breathing the fresh air again.  I don't have the heaviness of having something beyond my scope weighing me.  Let's be clear, I could have done it.  But I didn't and I'm okay with that.  Praise the Lord!