Political Unrest

I found myself not too long ago watching the movie, "Two Weeks Notice."  It is not the movie that matters but the presence of our future president in the movie.  Toward the end, he makes a cameo.  I'm thinking of the Trump that acted in this movie, prior to his megalomania.  It seems almost strange to see this version of him.  He seems almost harmless... almost.  

I was called and told to put on the news.  There were Trump supporters attacking the capitol.  I watched.  I was working from home and it was hard to wrap my overwhelmed head over the matter.  My friend was telling me of a state trooper that passed away from covid and someone very dear to me has been developing complications because of covid.  My friend's mother is struggling with the affects of covid. So, the first thing I noticed was the lack of masks being used to add insult to injury.  Maybe this is a coping strategy.  I slowed everything down in my mind to focus on the one thing that I can comment on.  This was not good.   

I looked at the screen and asked myself what I was looking at as they climbed the stairs to the capitol.  I had work to do but I could only take a moment.  Later I watched the recaps of the stories to get a better idea of all that had transpired.  The protesters reminded me of zombies as they attempted to storm the building.  It is the zombie apocalypse.  

I am the kind of person that wants to believe that there is good in everyone.  This situation is hard.  Those are people out there.  People who are wives, husbands, mothers, fathers, sons and daughters.  These people are not evil like I'm tempted to paint them right now.  I think back on Trump in the movie, are we really fighting flesh?  Ephesians 6:10-13 says: 

"Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord and in the power of His might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil.  For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places.  Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand." 

Maybe this is more than just mere mortals making decisions.  So... what do we do?  I found the answer in verse 18: "praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit, being watchful to this end with all perseverance and supplication for all the saints--" 

I was going to write about something else.  I had half the post down when I knew that I couldn't write that post.  I open my mouth, "God..."  How to pray.  I don't know.  I try again, "God..."  What does this remind me of?  Romans 8:26: "Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness.  For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words."

In my mind there are a hundred things that I am praying for and don't have words for.  They run in my head like a feed.  They are as disjointed and varied as the feeds on my Facebook or Instagram.  Each thought is colored with emotions almost too big to carry.  I take not just the political unrest but all of the unrest that I have been living with and I transfer it all to a God who can deal with it all.  I picture it all as a file transfer.  I upload it up into my heart and I send it to Him who is far more capable to handle that kind of data.  This world was up on a wall and this world has had a big fall.  It will take an omniscient, omnipotent and omnipresent God to hold us back together again, until He returns.  I will pray.  In the very least I will come to God, open my mouth and hope that He can see my prayer feed.  I will wait for Him because while cameos from megalomaniacs can look harmless, I will put my trust in God.  Praise the Lord!

2021

Here we are, Friends, in the new year.  The second year of this new decade.  Already the decade has made a turn.  Isn't that history for you?  Just when you think you have things figured out, here comes a curveball.  I think I can say that most of us are hoping for a better year.  We pray to be able to hold on.  We go running  or we work out and we hope that the weights or the distance that we end up doing is on par with our level.  It's not like we don't expect to work out.  There is a fear that the load will be heavier or different than what we expect.  At the very outside, there is the fear that the load will kill us.

I trust in God.  You see, He knows the future.  He knows my future and He, the Lord of lords, He differentiates.  As a teacher, I know about differentiation.  It's not that easy.  Differentiation is hard for two children as a parent, imagine a classroom of 30 children.  Now... imagine the world.  I love our differences. I love the flaws and outcomes.  I hope so hard for good things for those I love.  I hope for them God.  

I can not control anything.  I find that I can not really help anyone.  I can't change anyone's mind.  I can only present the Truth.  Not my truth or your truth but the only Truth.  God has said, "I am the way, the truth and the life."  Jesus said it Himself.  I recognize the power of having your own truth the way that you see fit.  How far in the future can you see your truth go?  I don't even understand the things that I have done in my past.  No, I rely on God.  He is more reliable than I am.  To this end, I pray.  I pray and ask for strength to be able to handle the weight and the distance.  I pray to take my truth away and substitute it for His truth.  I pray that I can be a light in dark places.  I pray for healing and for salvation for those around me.  It is not enough.  I can pray every second of every day and it is not enough.  But God is big enough to be enough.  So big we can not fathom.  

Friends, be present.  Enjoy every moment as it comes.  Trust that God, our great big God is big enough to handle not just one year but all of time.  And please don't worry about anything.  Just pray.   Praying is the best coping mechanism you can have.  Praise the Lord!!!

This Climb

 I have had a writing block, Friends.  It has been so hard to write.  I opened up the document.  I prayed before I started.  I don't know if any of you have had to do a hard thing.  I don't know if any of you have had to go back to a place where you thought you had left behind and try and start again.  I went through the document I had originally submitted.  I knew it was not good enough.  I read through the comments slowly and with tears.  I cried because I could see the gentleness with which they were written.  I cried when I read good comments.  I cried when I read the suggestions.  I cried when I read my words.  

When I first started I had such passion!!  I lost it along the way.  Now as I am getting ready to finish, I am tired.  There is every possibility that I fail miserably at this task.  I would have spent thousands of dollars and I would have disappointed everyone were I not to finish.  Yes, it is that big.  Yes, it hurts.  I started this with my husband and for my husband.  I wanted to model education for him and for my children.  This was never to prove myself.  I am a frivolous thing, indecisive and small.  You don't know this but I opened the review with shaking hands.  I have never been so afraid of anything in my life.  I thought I needed to know why I couldn't write.  I thought I needed to understand myself better than I do.  Maybe all of these blog posts had to do with it.  I don't know.  I just know that I need to finish.

I went on a hike not too long ago.  It was hard for me, easy for others.  I have short legs and the steps were tall for me.  I struggled to climb.  I had been struggling with bronchial asthma since last year when I contracted "bronchitis."  I started having trouble breathing as I climbed.  And then, I lost Janet.  I have said that I am not prone to anxiety but not knowing where she was ahead of me sent my already panicked lungs into a tailspin.  I was fighting to climb.  I was fighting to breathe.  My inhaler was safely ensconced in the inner pocket of my purse... that was in the trunk of the car.  At some point I turned to Geoff and I said, "I can't."  I kept on climbing.  I rested a lot.  I was almost to the top when he came to get me.  He walked me slowly up the rest of the mountain as I wrestled for breath. My face was red.  I was sweating. It was starting to turn cold.  I took a picture.  It was glorious!  I drank water.  I chewed gum.  We made our way down.  He helped me climb down the harder parts.  Somehow, before I knew it, I was back and we were on our way back home.  

I am where I was on that mountain when I said, "I can't."  He asked me today if I worked on it.  I told him I was reading.  He told me to work on it.  The hardest part was opening the document.  Just the first one.  The hard part was reading it the first time.  I'm so close to the end...  I could almost touch it.  Be  in prayer for me.  I am climbing.  It is hard.  It is scary but I'm still doing it.  Be in prayer with me.  Thank you.

By the way, I didn't plan to have this be my first post of 2021. Happy New Year! Praise the Lord!!!

TV Shows and Memories

 We have been talking about Santi/James.  We have started watching "Seinfeld."  This was his favorite show.  I love "Friends."  Man, we used to run home for Must See Thursday on NBC.  Every episode reminds me of his favorite parts.  He would talk in Seinfeld sometimes.  We had seen this show several times in our lives.  I remember going to college when this show first came out.  I missed most of the first season the first time around.  If they gave "Seinfeld" in reruns, we always chose to watch it.  

It seems like I lived a different life.  The music was different.  I remember waiting for the bus after coming out of rehearsals or a late class.  He would always pick me up from college or work.  It didn't matter if it was far from home.  Santi lived in Brooklyn and I lived almost at the end of the Bronx.  It would take him hours to get back home after making sure I got to my house.  He would get out of the train station and walk me the three blocks to my house and to my door.  He made sure I would go in.  Sometimes, we would sit out on the steps and just talk.  Sometimes, my dad would come out and hang out with us.  We used to live out the Beach Boys song.  

"Wouldn't it be nice if we were older, then we would have to wait so long.  And would it be nice to live together, in the kind of world where we belong. You know it's' going to make it that much better, when we can say goodnight and stay together.  Wouldn't it be nice."

We were so impossibly young.  I was only 22 years old when I met him.  I had just turned 22 years old.  He had just turned 22 years old.   We were two babies, so immature.  I went to school and had weird part time jobs.  He worked in the Village.  We would spend the days just wandering the city.  We would run to my house to watch Seinfeld in a home that didn't have cable.  There were no cell phones back then.  We had beepers.  It watch the show and it just brings back the time.  For a brief moment in time, I am back with him.  The children aren't even a gleam in our eyes.  I can't even fathom who I was then but when I stop watching, I wonder what I am doing in this house in Arizona with my two teenagers.  It would seem that just yesterday I was waiting for the bus on Bedford Avenue with Santi, waiting to go home and watch the show at 9pm.  

I'm laughing as I watch this show with Janet, my little girl.  This is a new incarnation of this show.  I'm thankful to have a window into the memories that are conjured up by this show.  It's better to have them than to not have them.  I wonder what would happen if we started watching "Little House on the Prairie."  Would I remember my mother and father?  Would I be able to remember fighting with Joanne to watch this show?  I don't know.  It's funny the things that conjure up memories.  God wouldn't have given us memories if He didn't mean to have us remember, right?  Thank you, God for these warm moments in this short life we have.  Praise the Lord!

My Soon-to-be Teenager

 I was hanging out with Geoff when he asked me how we were going to celebrate Janet's birthday.  JANET'S BIRTHDAY!!!  In about three weeks, Janet will be thirteen years old.  Never mind that there are some days she can pass for 24 years old.  She is tall and statuesque.  I don't make it any better when we play with make up.  She's a kid!  I played with make up when I was her age.  I would go to Diana and Debbie's house and play with their eye shadows and eyeliners. I loved the royal blue and pink.  Man, it seemed just like yesterday.  Back then, the only way to wear eyeliner was on the water line.  And now I'm singing Madonna's border line because water line and border line are enough alike for me to feel it.  

I digress.  It is almost painful thinking about Janet turning into a teenager.  I will not have any more children in the house.  Where did the time go?  I blinked and they grew up.  There is a fear in having them older.  Who will they become?  Will they love Jesus?  What have I done?  At the end of the questions is this thought: Have I been a good enough mother?  I had to stop there for a moment.  That last sentence was like a punch in the gut.  I pray for them fervently.  I tend to pray for those with requests and I have a consistent list of people that I have been praying for, but I end up usually praying for my dear sweet babies.  I pray that they never leave the path set out before them.  I pray that they always follow God.  

Yes, I will have two teenagers in the house and I look down the road to five very short years and already they will be adults.  I think to the things I have been putting off like braces and contacts.  It is about that time that their bedroom furniture needs to be changed to teen furniture, whatever that looks like.  I mentioned to Geoff just today that he hopped on this ride at the right time.  I meant it sarcastically.  He just smirked.  He's familiar with teenagers.  He has more of an idea than I have of what is to come.  I think it helps them to have him alongside of me.  They are not as worried about leaving mom behind in the dust by her lonesome.  He gets me out of my shell.  We don't feel as isolated about having to quarantine and I have been thankful to have another adult around sometimes.  

There are prayers for the upcoming year no matter what the year brings.  I tend to imagine the worst case scenarios then worry about the worst that is to come while still living in the present.  This is all wasted energy.  I just need to trust in God and His plan.  Praise God.  May He prepare my heart to raise my children.  May He help me in the ways that I need.  May God bless this coming year, for everyone, you included, Reader.  May God bless you this coming year.  And when you think of me, please say a quick prayer for this mama who is the mother of two teenagers, one of them a TEENAGE GIRL!!! 

Resolutions for 2021

 I have been reflecting on the last year.  I was watching a movie and was thinking about how strange it was that people were not wearing masks.  When it all began back in March, I really and truly thought that I would be back to work in a week.  I was getting ready for a change.  I had change on the brain.  Well... there was change alright!!!  I was reading back on post from the start of last year and I admit that I was in a fog that I hardly remembered.  This past year, I was just holding on for dear life.  This new upcoming year may be a year of change.  It is past due.  I know that it is coming.  Change is a little scary for me.  I'm hoping that this is the good kind of change, if I can wrap my mind around it and not overthink absolutely everything.  Yes, I'm an overthinker.

Last year, there were no resolutions.  I only resolved in holding on and not losing my mind.  This year, I have too many resolutions.  I think about the people who choose not to follow resolutions.  That is telling in itself.  I am resolving to be healthy.  I am resolving to make changes.  I am resolving to have an open mind and to try different things, like... waking up early. I'm laughing because it seems impossible.  I am a real night owl.  But I think it better use of my time to wake up early and get my workout out of the way.  I am literally planning on climbing mountains, so I better be more fit for the mountains that come.  My children and Geoff bought me hiking sticks and a back pack with a bladder so... I better come correct.  

Covid has touched my life.  I have lost friends, family and my immediate family has contracted covid.  I have had to wear a mask in my own home and in my car while driving.  I know that wearing a mask is uncomfortable.  I feel terrible telling my children that they can not attend something because we need to social distance.  We are being responsible.  We are trying to limit the spread of the virus and attempting to live on for the next year.  Yes, it has been hard.  Yes, I have been praying.  Yes, I don't always know what to do.  There are moments when all that can be done is to pray.  Prayer is not for God but for me.  So as the next year comes, I resolve to pray more and for more people.  I will pray.  Praise the Lord.  Thank you, Jesus..  

Christmas Eve Eve 2020

 As you may already know, I love Eves.  I love the day before Friday.  I love the potential of what is to come.  I know that we are quarantining but I still love it.  Coping mechanisms: I tend to prepare for an emotion that may come once an event occurs.  I go for the worst case scenarios. But just because I suspect the worst does not mean that the worst will come.  I, the human that I am, eliminate God in my equation.  God changes everything.  Thousands of people but only a few fishes and loaves, just add God into the number and there will be extra fishes and loaves.  It doesn't make sense doesn't it?  Same here with my life.  It doesn't really make sense but... God.  

I woke up this morning and I made coffee.  Janet usually makes my coffee but it's best she stay in her room. Apparently, she has been putting too many grounds so, today I had a great cup of coffee, with chocolate gluten free cookies, right before I made fried eggs and french fries in the air fryer for David and me.  Such a Puerto-Rican thing to eat!!!  I discussed the menu for Christmas with David and I bought tickets for World of Illumination for New Year's Eve.  Nothing like a full belly and plans to change your perspective of things.  

In my head, I have to have a traditional Christmas with baking and cooking.  I look around and tell myself that I need to clean the house.  I do need to clean but I have spoken with the children and they say that they are good with staying at home and hanging out making our simple Christmas favorites.  They make it easy.  One day, heck, one moment I could kill them the next moment I want to hug them.  Either way though, I am blessed.  I am blessed beyond measure.

I am working, sort of, I have corny Christmas movies on.  I still have my full belly.  My nails are done.  My dog sits by my feet, sweet boy!  I have only one more present to wrap and the menu is set.  In my peace, I thank God.  He is the reason that I can celebrate so I will celebrate His birth.  Praying for you, readers.  May you have God's Spirit which is the real Spirit of Christmas.  Praise the Lord!!!