I have had a writing block, Friends. It has been so hard to write. I opened up the document. I prayed before I started. I don't know if any of you have had to do a hard thing. I don't know if any of you have had to go back to a place where you thought you had left behind and try and start again. I went through the document I had originally submitted. I knew it was not good enough. I read through the comments slowly and with tears. I cried because I could see the gentleness with which they were written. I cried when I read good comments. I cried when I read the suggestions. I cried when I read my words.
When I first started I had such passion!! I lost it along the way. Now as I am getting ready to finish, I am tired. There is every possibility that I fail miserably at this task. I would have spent thousands of dollars and I would have disappointed everyone were I not to finish. Yes, it is that big. Yes, it hurts. I started this with my husband and for my husband. I wanted to model education for him and for my children. This was never to prove myself. I am a frivolous thing, indecisive and small. You don't know this but I opened the review with shaking hands. I have never been so afraid of anything in my life. I thought I needed to know why I couldn't write. I thought I needed to understand myself better than I do. Maybe all of these blog posts had to do with it. I don't know. I just know that I need to finish.
I went on a hike not too long ago. It was hard for me, easy for others. I have short legs and the steps were tall for me. I struggled to climb. I had been struggling with bronchial asthma since last year when I contracted "bronchitis." I started having trouble breathing as I climbed. And then, I lost Janet. I have said that I am not prone to anxiety but not knowing where she was ahead of me sent my already panicked lungs into a tailspin. I was fighting to climb. I was fighting to breathe. My inhaler was safely ensconced in the inner pocket of my purse... that was in the trunk of the car. At some point I turned to Geoff and I said, "I can't." I kept on climbing. I rested a lot. I was almost to the top when he came to get me. He walked me slowly up the rest of the mountain as I wrestled for breath. My face was red. I was sweating. It was starting to turn cold. I took a picture. It was glorious! I drank water. I chewed gum. We made our way down. He helped me climb down the harder parts. Somehow, before I knew it, I was back and we were on our way back home.
I am where I was on that mountain when I said, "I can't." He asked me today if I worked on it. I told him I was reading. He told me to work on it. The hardest part was opening the document. Just the first one. The hard part was reading it the first time. I'm so close to the end... I could almost touch it. Be in prayer for me. I am climbing. It is hard. It is scary but I'm still doing it. Be in prayer with me. Thank you.
By the way, I didn't plan to have this be my first post of 2021. Happy New Year! Praise the Lord!!!
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