The other day, I bought some gluten-free everything bagel thins. I buy them at my local supermarket. I put them into the toaster and buttered them with real butter. I put some cheddar cheese and scrambled eggs in it and I took a bite. For a moment, the world fell away. I was no longer in my kitchen. I had been transported. I was in a blissful ether. Pandemic? What? Where was I? A delicious bite had carried me away. Why was that so good? My son would tell you it's' the butter. Maybe butter really does make everything better. My children make fun of me when I get "absorbed" in what I am eating. I close my eyes because I really want the experience. It is a delight to taste something good. God is good. Psalm 34:8 states:
"Taste and see that the LORD is good; blessed is the one who takes refuge in Him." I was so thankful to God to be able to have that moment of pure bliss.
Ever wear wonderful perfume? I didn't know about perfume. I remember the first real perfume that was bought for me. It was a gift for my Sweet Sixteen. It was called Beautiful by Estee Lauder. I have a bottle currently. I wore it before my husband died. I remember Cari, my dear friend, tell me how it reminded her of a different time. Just thinking about it now shows me how very old I have gotten. When did I reach this age? It is such a blessing!!! There is a Bible verse about perfume.
Proverbs 27:9
"Oil and perfume make the heart glad, So a man's counsel is sweet to his friend."
Friendship is as sweet as perfume. It's harder to hear from our friends these days, but God is the Friend that is always with us, right?
I have taken the time to watch the sunsets each day. I have been hearing wonderful music. I have been stretching out my back and legs. I have been feeding my senses during this time, Friends. I make sure that through the peaks and valleys of this situation, this quarantine, that I remember the goodness of God and the provision that He has for us. Pray and encourage each other. God bless.
Sunday, April 26, 2020
Saturday, April 25, 2020
Modelling Motherhood
I have always been the type of person that has given myself a lot of grace. My biggest motivators has been the internal accountability that I have developed for myself as I have made my way in this world. Even as a girl, I wondered what I should be doing at any given time. I'm going to tell you what I did to learn about this. I watched Soap Operas. I generally watched them for the commercials, especially after my mother died. I liked to watch cleaning products. There is something about watching something dirty become clean that is cathartic. You see, I was learning how to become a woman by watching and since my mom was not around, I had to learn from the women and the houses I had access to, Soaps. Every now and again, I would be invited to a woman's house and they had every sweet intention of teaching me how to do something. I felt like I was a borrowed out slave instead of actually learning how to do things. I was made to do things, which I would do but I would be bitter about it because I was just shown once and I wanted to watch it being done not do it for you. This bitterness clouded what I was learning so that I didn't really learn but stewed. I liked people who would invite you over and made you sit down and you would talk while they worked and I got a real sense of what you were supposed to do. You see, people don't automatically know how to sweep or wash dishes. People don't automatically know how to mop. I had to learn. In fact, to this day I am not sure that I am doing it all right.
I had a hard time dressing too. I wore a uniform for school. My dad would take me shopping and I had no idea of what kind of shoes or clothes to buy. I remember that I went to Alexander's because at the time, I only had one pair of sneakers and my school shoes. I needed some dress shoes for church. For what ever reason, we were asked to not wear our uniforms. My dad didn't know what kind of shoes I should be wearing either. I found ones that may have been for old ladies and had a little heel. I took them home thinking I had a great pair of shoes but then realizing that I didn't. I was so embarrassed I didn't wear them. I don't think I ever wore them. I wore my old blue sneakers but, apparently the slacks I had chosen had gotten too short so I got made fun of all day for wearing "high waters." I watched the soaps and I took mental notes. I would experiment on my hair and with my make up. I got asked why I dressed like a teacher. I had a way of dressing and doing my hair. I thought I looked fancy. I guess people didn't realize that I was emulating the fancy women that I saw on the television.
There were gaps in my education. I'm feeling it now as the mother of teenagers. I don't know about you but I'm sure you go back into your own memory to figure out what your own mother did with you when you were growing up. Even the bad things that our mothers' did is helpful in not repeating that. You learned how to dress or how not to dress from your mother. You learned how to cook. You learned how to clean. You learned how you spent your down time. Some of you very blessed people can pick up the phone and still talk to your parents. I don't have that. Instead, I ask myself, "What should I be doing?" My children will carry with them into their adulthood the strange ways I would pause and think about what to do. I like hearing about the mundane things people do to fill time. My kids think like me. We see a big house we think, "Man, that must be hard to clean."
We are understanding what we need in our lives. We need less things and more time together. My son doesn't like watching television or movies unless we are at a theater. I watch shows with my daughter and I go walking with my daughter. I cook and clean with my son. We eat our major meals together. They will periodically ask me if I need something. They are learning. I still have to remind them, they are kids after all.
I think about what we will need in the future. I have them with me now. What do I still need to teach them? I walk. I want to be healthy. When they call me from their homes I want to be able to pick up the phone and give them advice. When my daughter is pregnant, she will think of me the way I thought of my own mother when I was pregnant with her. She will call and I will want to go to her. I pray that I will have the words. I pray that I can model Jesus. I pray that when they think back, they think back with love and not confusion.
I had a hard time dressing too. I wore a uniform for school. My dad would take me shopping and I had no idea of what kind of shoes or clothes to buy. I remember that I went to Alexander's because at the time, I only had one pair of sneakers and my school shoes. I needed some dress shoes for church. For what ever reason, we were asked to not wear our uniforms. My dad didn't know what kind of shoes I should be wearing either. I found ones that may have been for old ladies and had a little heel. I took them home thinking I had a great pair of shoes but then realizing that I didn't. I was so embarrassed I didn't wear them. I don't think I ever wore them. I wore my old blue sneakers but, apparently the slacks I had chosen had gotten too short so I got made fun of all day for wearing "high waters." I watched the soaps and I took mental notes. I would experiment on my hair and with my make up. I got asked why I dressed like a teacher. I had a way of dressing and doing my hair. I thought I looked fancy. I guess people didn't realize that I was emulating the fancy women that I saw on the television.
There were gaps in my education. I'm feeling it now as the mother of teenagers. I don't know about you but I'm sure you go back into your own memory to figure out what your own mother did with you when you were growing up. Even the bad things that our mothers' did is helpful in not repeating that. You learned how to dress or how not to dress from your mother. You learned how to cook. You learned how to clean. You learned how you spent your down time. Some of you very blessed people can pick up the phone and still talk to your parents. I don't have that. Instead, I ask myself, "What should I be doing?" My children will carry with them into their adulthood the strange ways I would pause and think about what to do. I like hearing about the mundane things people do to fill time. My kids think like me. We see a big house we think, "Man, that must be hard to clean."
We are understanding what we need in our lives. We need less things and more time together. My son doesn't like watching television or movies unless we are at a theater. I watch shows with my daughter and I go walking with my daughter. I cook and clean with my son. We eat our major meals together. They will periodically ask me if I need something. They are learning. I still have to remind them, they are kids after all.
I think about what we will need in the future. I have them with me now. What do I still need to teach them? I walk. I want to be healthy. When they call me from their homes I want to be able to pick up the phone and give them advice. When my daughter is pregnant, she will think of me the way I thought of my own mother when I was pregnant with her. She will call and I will want to go to her. I pray that I will have the words. I pray that I can model Jesus. I pray that when they think back, they think back with love and not confusion.
Thursday, April 23, 2020
I sing
Let me tell you about singing. I like to sing. I don't know when it was I started singing. I think about pink lipstick when I think about singing as a kid. I think it had to do with this pink lipstick I would buy and wear when I was at home just fooling around singing. I would sing and then ask my mother, "How do I sound?" She would always tell me that I sounded great and to keep singing. I'm laughing now. I wasn't a great singer. I'm not the best singer now but I like it. When I sing around at work, some of my friends joke and tell me to shut up. Every now and again, I'll sing for the students. They are always so surprised to hear me sing. They'll start laughing. It's a strange reaction.
I hear my daughter sing. She has a lighter, softer voice. My voice is aggressive in the lower registers and softer in the higher although I think I have worked on the volume enough to do some transitions between head and chest when I need to. There is breathing in singing. It is meditative. I sing more for myself these days. I had a period of time where I thought I would be a singer. I loved singing in high school and college. I would practice for the longest time. My dad would help me. He would make me record myself to get used to the way that I sounded. I then would need to correct all the nasal intonations and cracks. There were some really great voice singer. My choir director, Tony who I thought of and treated as my older brother. He introduced me to some of the best gospel. I learned to harmonize in the choir he ran. I sang in the Gospel Choir in High School and for part of college. I performed in musicals. I sang on the worship team in the churches I went to. It was a blessing... for me.
I remember reading "Sonny's Blues" in high school. It was written by James Baldwin. There is this blues player and he is talking with his brother about suffering. As he passes a revival tent, he hears a woman singing and he talks about how much suffering she had to go to in order to sing so beautifully. There was a revival tent by this church I used to go to. I remember visiting the tent with my father and sitting in the back as a guest. Women wore coverings on their head and although I had longer hair, I wasn't able to go up close but I understood what Baldwin was trying to say when this woman sang.
I found this poem by Bhakti Larry Hough. I tried to find it but it went something like:
"Maybe one day I'll sing,
And like Marvin [Gaye],
Vent my soul
To allow the demons to escape
On wing of melody
And become angels in the process."
There is this idea of allowing the pain and suffering to escape through song. I wonder what God hears when I sing. I am thankful to have a song to sing to Him, it is new every day.
Psalm 96:1
"Sing to the Lord a new song; sing to the Lord, all the earth."
And so... I sing!
I hear my daughter sing. She has a lighter, softer voice. My voice is aggressive in the lower registers and softer in the higher although I think I have worked on the volume enough to do some transitions between head and chest when I need to. There is breathing in singing. It is meditative. I sing more for myself these days. I had a period of time where I thought I would be a singer. I loved singing in high school and college. I would practice for the longest time. My dad would help me. He would make me record myself to get used to the way that I sounded. I then would need to correct all the nasal intonations and cracks. There were some really great voice singer. My choir director, Tony who I thought of and treated as my older brother. He introduced me to some of the best gospel. I learned to harmonize in the choir he ran. I sang in the Gospel Choir in High School and for part of college. I performed in musicals. I sang on the worship team in the churches I went to. It was a blessing... for me.
I remember reading "Sonny's Blues" in high school. It was written by James Baldwin. There is this blues player and he is talking with his brother about suffering. As he passes a revival tent, he hears a woman singing and he talks about how much suffering she had to go to in order to sing so beautifully. There was a revival tent by this church I used to go to. I remember visiting the tent with my father and sitting in the back as a guest. Women wore coverings on their head and although I had longer hair, I wasn't able to go up close but I understood what Baldwin was trying to say when this woman sang.
I found this poem by Bhakti Larry Hough. I tried to find it but it went something like:
"Maybe one day I'll sing,
And like Marvin [Gaye],
Vent my soul
To allow the demons to escape
On wing of melody
And become angels in the process."
There is this idea of allowing the pain and suffering to escape through song. I wonder what God hears when I sing. I am thankful to have a song to sing to Him, it is new every day.
Psalm 96:1
"Sing to the Lord a new song; sing to the Lord, all the earth."
And so... I sing!
Wednesday, April 22, 2020
Allegations of Futility
I'm a teacher. I teach. I am currently blessed to be working under this pandemic (why use another word?). I think that part of my job has always been to motivate. In my head I think, "I will push you toward this education because I truly believe, not only in my heart but in my soul, that you need at least this little tiny bit of education at least to have a chance in this world." I am one of the ones that believe, "Knowledge is power." I would and could quote the parts of Proverbs where knowledge is the better investment. I won't. This post is not about knowledge, it's about futility, or allegations of futility.
I call the kids up. "Why are you not engaged? What have you been doing with your time? How come you haven't been doing your work?" I get calls from teachers. Parents have not been picking up my calls. I have been leaving voice and text messages. I try and call the kids directly. Can I work with you? Can I help you? Let's work on a goal! Let me provide services for you. This is the impression that I get: It doesn't matter. I will wait until the world opens up again. There is this idea of "pause" that we are on as if this time does not matter. Time passes anyway.
I'll give you an example. I painted my nails today. I painted them royal blue. Very few people will see them. I look at my hands as I am typing right this very second. They are pretty. They make me feel happy. Some of you will argue that it is a waste of paint. I will tell you to read my post on wearing the Chanel. It will waste or become stale no matter what. It is not a exercise in futility!!! It is an act of nail and self care! It may FEEL futile but in time, it may do something; it may prove something.
There are so many things that may feel futile but aren't. Whenever I talk to my children; whenever I go out walking; whenever I take vitamins; whenever I make my bed. There are times that I hear my son tell my daughter my words. There are times that I am happy to be able to walk when so many others can not. I don't know what vitamins do but if they help me from aging and going bald (hair, skin and nails) then, let's go! I still won't make up my bed but when I do, I like falling into it at night. Just because some things my feel like they don't matter doesn't mean that they don't.
*Takes a breath and gets off of the soapbox.*
So... encourage one another:
I Thessalonians 5:11
"Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing."
I call the kids up. "Why are you not engaged? What have you been doing with your time? How come you haven't been doing your work?" I get calls from teachers. Parents have not been picking up my calls. I have been leaving voice and text messages. I try and call the kids directly. Can I work with you? Can I help you? Let's work on a goal! Let me provide services for you. This is the impression that I get: It doesn't matter. I will wait until the world opens up again. There is this idea of "pause" that we are on as if this time does not matter. Time passes anyway.
I'll give you an example. I painted my nails today. I painted them royal blue. Very few people will see them. I look at my hands as I am typing right this very second. They are pretty. They make me feel happy. Some of you will argue that it is a waste of paint. I will tell you to read my post on wearing the Chanel. It will waste or become stale no matter what. It is not a exercise in futility!!! It is an act of nail and self care! It may FEEL futile but in time, it may do something; it may prove something.
There are so many things that may feel futile but aren't. Whenever I talk to my children; whenever I go out walking; whenever I take vitamins; whenever I make my bed. There are times that I hear my son tell my daughter my words. There are times that I am happy to be able to walk when so many others can not. I don't know what vitamins do but if they help me from aging and going bald (hair, skin and nails) then, let's go! I still won't make up my bed but when I do, I like falling into it at night. Just because some things my feel like they don't matter doesn't mean that they don't.
*Takes a breath and gets off of the soapbox.*
So... encourage one another:
I Thessalonians 5:11
"Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing."
Tuesday, April 21, 2020
Doing Kindnesses
My co-worker and friend, Joe, he did me a kindness. At some point yesterday, I had a sad moment. I looked up at the sky (my ceiling) and prayed, "God send me help." In that moment, Joe texted me. I am thankful for him.
Today he came by and dropped off delicious Chicken Tikki Marsala. We are like family over at Maya High School. He is one of us. He was just dropping it by on his way to another "relatives" house. He is teaching me hospitality.
Can I drop off something for you? Is there something you need? Can I draw you a picture? Can I send you a text? Would you like video chatting me as I lay in bed and we can sing songs? Earlier today I had Janet paint a stone and we put Jesus on it. It will be a sharing stone. Tomorrow we will do another and another. I will line my messed up weed filled lawn with these stones and hope that people will feel compelled to take them and share them.
Yesterday evening, I shared through video one of my sunsets with Jodi. She did me a kindness. She let me talk to her about an emotional owie I had. I am thankful. Harriet dropped off her favorite kinds of cookies and today she sent me a text telling me she is praying for me. My neighbor Craig did something wonderful. He mowed and trimmed my lawn because he knows that I hate it. Blessings after blessings have come to me.
Even my children are kind. I bought a box of decadent ice cream bars. They looked at the box of three and I said, "To share." My sweet children came into agreement and said, "No, Mom. For you." My cup runneth over. Surely God is good to me.
Today he came by and dropped off delicious Chicken Tikki Marsala. We are like family over at Maya High School. He is one of us. He was just dropping it by on his way to another "relatives" house. He is teaching me hospitality.
Can I drop off something for you? Is there something you need? Can I draw you a picture? Can I send you a text? Would you like video chatting me as I lay in bed and we can sing songs? Earlier today I had Janet paint a stone and we put Jesus on it. It will be a sharing stone. Tomorrow we will do another and another. I will line my messed up weed filled lawn with these stones and hope that people will feel compelled to take them and share them.
Yesterday evening, I shared through video one of my sunsets with Jodi. She did me a kindness. She let me talk to her about an emotional owie I had. I am thankful. Harriet dropped off her favorite kinds of cookies and today she sent me a text telling me she is praying for me. My neighbor Craig did something wonderful. He mowed and trimmed my lawn because he knows that I hate it. Blessings after blessings have come to me.
Even my children are kind. I bought a box of decadent ice cream bars. They looked at the box of three and I said, "To share." My sweet children came into agreement and said, "No, Mom. For you." My cup runneth over. Surely God is good to me.
Monday, April 20, 2020
Thoughts on a Mother's Death
Today when I woke up, I got the worst news. The mother of my dear friend and sister passed away. Here is the thing: I prayed for her. I prayed for her healing. It really seemed to me that she would turn a corner. I can't imagine my friend losing her mother this way. She had so much life!!! Like any mother, when around a motherless child (like me) she sort of became the mother I didn't have. I remember her giving me advice and looking after me. I remember conversations we have had. I remember that she was allergic to dust and how supportive she was of her daughter and by extension, me. Even if it is not true, I feel that prayers were not enough. I don't know. It feels like I let her down. I'm praying for her, her brother, her sweet daughters and her husband.
This morning I woke up and I got ready for work. I walked the 5 feet to my little desk set up in my bedroom. I sat down and started the day with a video conference. My cat, Midnight, climbed up to my lap for attention. The sun is shining so bright outside but in another state, in another city, people are dying. There are people praying for health over a relative, over a friend. There are people in mourning. Some joke about this. Here in Arizona, in my little ranch house with my children, there are times when the horror is far far away. I hear of news from New York City. I hear of news from other countries with much much stricter regulations for quarantine. Every time I think of the word: pandemic, I am in shock and awe. There are days when it doesn't seem real to me. This is a global issue, a global pandemic. I am living in a movie.
A friend of mine tells me of a guy that he knows that doesn't feel that quarantine is real. He is not following the guidelines. I'm not sure how but he tells him that he should maintain the 6 feet and he should be social distancing. I also hear from yet others how this is some way for the government to control and manipulate the media and the people. It is real. I feel it. I feel the pain of loss and of grief for this wonderful woman and my dear sweet friend. I long to fly over to where she is and hug her and just keep hugging her until she is sure that I love her. I don't have this ability. Instead I only have my words and prayers. Be merciful to those who are suffering, Friends. Pray for peace upon their lives. May God bless you.
This morning I woke up and I got ready for work. I walked the 5 feet to my little desk set up in my bedroom. I sat down and started the day with a video conference. My cat, Midnight, climbed up to my lap for attention. The sun is shining so bright outside but in another state, in another city, people are dying. There are people praying for health over a relative, over a friend. There are people in mourning. Some joke about this. Here in Arizona, in my little ranch house with my children, there are times when the horror is far far away. I hear of news from New York City. I hear of news from other countries with much much stricter regulations for quarantine. Every time I think of the word: pandemic, I am in shock and awe. There are days when it doesn't seem real to me. This is a global issue, a global pandemic. I am living in a movie.
A friend of mine tells me of a guy that he knows that doesn't feel that quarantine is real. He is not following the guidelines. I'm not sure how but he tells him that he should maintain the 6 feet and he should be social distancing. I also hear from yet others how this is some way for the government to control and manipulate the media and the people. It is real. I feel it. I feel the pain of loss and of grief for this wonderful woman and my dear sweet friend. I long to fly over to where she is and hug her and just keep hugging her until she is sure that I love her. I don't have this ability. Instead I only have my words and prayers. Be merciful to those who are suffering, Friends. Pray for peace upon their lives. May God bless you.
Sunday, April 19, 2020
Sunsets and the 10,000 Steps
I'm so sorry that I haven't been writing. I have a flow going on and it's so sweet. I wake up and I go to work promptly at 8am. Although there are some that disagree, I love video conferencing. It allows me to further prep for the day. Instead of just making lists and calling people, I go to the bathroom and I put on my make up. I do my hair. I put on a work top and yoga pants. Shoes are optional so I keep them off. I have these mini-breaks where I check on the children and I go to the bathroom. I have lunch around noon and then I go back to work. I like it. I work until about 4pm. I like to take a nap right after. I wake up after 30-45 minutes and then I have a meal or a snack. Then I go for the highlight of my day. I put on my workout clothes. I put in my ear buds and I make my way to the park where I have the best seat in the place for the Light Show.
I don't know when I became addicted to the sky. I want to make sure I get it so I even check when it is so that I can go and watch the sun go down. I take pictures but no matter how many I take, it will never ever take the place of just being there and watching it. I can't get enough of it. I usually take Janet but even if she doesn't go, I will go by myself. Every now and again David will go with us but he prefers staying home. David is my cooking and cleaning buddy. That's how we spend time. Walking, shopping and baking are Janet things.
After the sun is put to bed, I start my walk. There are times when I have been cleaning so I do half of my steps at home. Most of the time, I will walk 10,000 which is about 5 miles? I have started a squatting challenge with a friend. By the time I'm done at night, I have no words. I am more focused and I have more energy during the day. I write in my prayer journal in the night time and I spend time with my children and with God.
I like this flow that I have going on. I will write more now that I have a few minutes. I miss you and I miss the words that I have for you all. God is good to us in this pandemic. Stay safe and sane, Friends. I'll see you when I see you.
I don't know when I became addicted to the sky. I want to make sure I get it so I even check when it is so that I can go and watch the sun go down. I take pictures but no matter how many I take, it will never ever take the place of just being there and watching it. I can't get enough of it. I usually take Janet but even if she doesn't go, I will go by myself. Every now and again David will go with us but he prefers staying home. David is my cooking and cleaning buddy. That's how we spend time. Walking, shopping and baking are Janet things.
After the sun is put to bed, I start my walk. There are times when I have been cleaning so I do half of my steps at home. Most of the time, I will walk 10,000 which is about 5 miles? I have started a squatting challenge with a friend. By the time I'm done at night, I have no words. I am more focused and I have more energy during the day. I write in my prayer journal in the night time and I spend time with my children and with God.
I like this flow that I have going on. I will write more now that I have a few minutes. I miss you and I miss the words that I have for you all. God is good to us in this pandemic. Stay safe and sane, Friends. I'll see you when I see you.
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