Dancing with Someone (A Whitney Houston Post)

Did you know that I love to dance?  I love to dance.  When I was a little girl I would listen to the radio.  I loved music.  I loved to dance to the music and in my head, I would envision myself in my own versions of a music video.  I'm the one who goes out first on the dance floor and you have to pay me to get off. 

When I was in college, I had this boyfriend.  He was my favorite to dance with.  He made sure that I was the only one he danced with at the parties.  When I met Santi, he would leave me to dance with my friends.  He would come to me to dance maybe once or twice.  This being said, we are going in the Whitney vault and pulling out "I Wanna Dance with Somebody."  The lyrics are as follows:

Clock strikes upon the hour
And the sun begins to fade
Still enough time to figure out
How to chase my blues away(Because when the night comes, that's when the bad thoughts tend to come for some people.)
I've done alright up to now (I think that I have done phenomenally!!!)
It's the light of day that shows me how (The light of God too!)
And when the night falls, loneliness calls  (Yes.  Maybe...)

Oh, I wanna dance with somebody
I wanna feel the heat with somebody
Yeah, I wanna dance with somebody
With somebody who loves me
Oh, I wanna dance with somebody
I wanna feel the heat with somebody
Yeah, I wanna dance with somebody
With somebody who loves me

I've been in love and lost my senses
Spinning through the town
Sooner or later, the fever ends (Nothing like the high of love, right?)
And I wind up feeling down
I need a man who'll take a chance
On a love that burns hot enough to last (Wouldn't that be nice?)
So when the night falls
My lonely heart calls

Oh, I wanna dance with somebody
I wanna feel the heat with somebody
Yeah, I wanna dance with somebody
With somebody who loves me
Oh, I wanna dance with somebody
I wanna feel the heat with somebody
Yeah, I wanna dance with somebody
With somebody who loves me

Somebody oo Somebody oo
Somebody who loves me yeah
Somebody oo Somebody oo
To hold me in his arms oh
I need a man who'll take a chance
On a love that burns hot enough to last
So when the night falls
My lonely heart calls

Oh, I wanna dance with somebody
I wanna feel the heat with somebody
Yeah, I wanna dance with somebody
With somebody who loves me
Oh, I wanna dance with somebody
I wanna feel the heat with somebody
Yeah, I wanna dance with somebody
With somebody who loves me

Don'tcha wanna dance with me baby
Dontcha wanna dance with me boy
Hey Don'tcha wanna dance with me baby
With somebody who loves me

Don'tcha wanna dance say you wanna dance
Don'tcha wanna dance
Don'tcha wanna dance say you wanna dance
Don'tcha wanna dance
Don'tcha wanna dance say you wanna dance
With somebody who loves me
Dance

Source: LyricFind

Songwriters: George Robert Merrill / Shannon Rubicam

I Wanna Dance with Somebody (Who Loves Me) lyrics © Universal Music Publishing Group

Love Me For My Ugly

I went to a yoga class.  I went on Saturday.  I had gone to yoga before but I had forgotten how hard a class could be.  I was anticipating the yoga instructor I had seen during the week, a thinner woman.  I was sitting on the yoga mat when the young handsome instructor walked in.  Part of me wanted to get up and walk out.  Why?  Because I knew that I was going to get ugly.  This class was going to be ugly.  Within the first ten to fifteen minutes, I was sweating profusely.  I looked at my watch.  How long was this class?  My hands were already slipping on the mat.  I was telling my friend and the receptionist at my dentist's office about the experience and out of my mouth came a thought that was more truth than joke.  I said, "The only man that should see you that ugly is your husband."

I'm on a few dating sites.  All of the pictures are sort of pretty but definitely without a filter.  I have a few full body shots because I could appear to be thinner from just a head shot and I'm not a thinner woman.  When I look at my pictures and in the mirror without make up, I still think that I'm beautiful.  I like the way my bones form my face.  I like the way my skin is.  I like my features.  I'm not as kind on my legs.  My legs are short and stubby.  They are chunky legs.  I don't want to have to worry about my chunky legs. I didn't worry about my legs when I was married.  Why?  Because it wasn't about how pretty I was, it was about trusting someone to be vulnerable, real and ugly. When I was married, I had plenty of ugly moments.  I gave birth.  I lost my father.  I was sick.  I was sad.  It's hard to know someone from a picture and some funny snippets that they call a profile.  I don't know if I can really meet someone online.  I don't know if this is a reliable sort of way to meet people.  I want to watch someone and get to know someone.  What I really want to do is lull someone into a friendship then fall in love gradually.  Isn't this what we all want?  Maybe Phoebe (from Friends) was right.  We are all lobsters needing to go into the cold water and then slowly boil.

I know some younger single women.  I know younger single men.  My friend told me that when she talks to married people, they don't seem to like to be married all of the time.  This makes me so sad.  It is hard to be married but now that I'm not married, I miss it.  There is so many things to miss about being married.  This is why I think about doing it all again.  Even after becoming a widow, a covenant keeper, one who stayed; I would do it again.  I know some might not, but I would.  This is why I'm trying it again.  When I look at these singles who are looking for their other half, I see them hoping for someone pretty or handsome.  Someone that they think match them.  I want to tell them to find someone constant or consistent.  Find someone who knows what commitment means by how they treat their friends and family.  The ones with the weird friends are the ones that love regardless of what you look like.  I want to tell them that the ones who come in the middle of the night are worth more than those who look good in pictures with.  Man, and if they make you laugh even when you feel like crying then maybe you need to give them another look.  I want to tell them to find someone who will love you for and through your ugly times.  You'll have more of those than pretty times.  And be someone who will love someone when they are ugly too, even as just a friend.  Life is so short, Friends.  Love one another.  God calls us to do this.

As for me?  I have recently been reminded that:
"Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised." (Proverbs 31:30)  Maybe that's what I want someone to really see and love me for.  And that's not ugly at all.

Dating and the Cinderella Syndrome

I have decided to give dating a try... again.  There is every possibility that I may not be ready to date again but I have discovered that I'm never going to know unless I try.  You could say that I'm attempting to develop my growth mindset, especially when there are so many factors of my life contingent on a fixed mindset.

I'm going into this with a different perspective and new understanding.  Not every guy that says he is a Christian, is a Christian.  It doesn't mean that he believes in the same things that I believe in.  I understand this... now, where before it was not so clear.  I hear some men complain about women.  They say that women are indecisive and that we don't know what we want.  I don't know who started it but I find that the men react in kind.  They are easily distracted.  Maybe everyone is hampered by the Cinderella Syndrome.  We are under the misguided apprehension that there is a Prince or a Cinderella in our future.  We extend this to the perfect home, the perfect child, the perfect job, the perfect version of ourselves.  We reject others because they are not our perceived ideal.  We construct our own expectations, right.  What if there were no expectations.  Maybe the next person could be the person that you could spend the rest of your life with.

In discovering the things that I don't like about a possible suitor, I am discovering stuff about myself.  Insecure people are dangerous people.  I have insecurities.  Everyone has insecurities but it means something different to be generally an insecure person.  I appreciate open mindedness.  I appreciate honesty.  People don't really understand how to be honest with themselves.  They haven't developed their emotional intelligence.  I'm not claiming to have or to know anything.  But I'm understanding myself better.  My experiences have changed me.  I have different bragging points.  I am one who stays.  I am one who is learning to communicate clearly.  I am one who tries new things.  I hear what they are saying but what else are they about?  What else are they saying?

Why do I feel I want someone to be with?  I hold things.  I like to share.  I like to talk so that I can see what I'm really thinking and figure out things.  I like to turn and talk.  I have Janet.  Janet does this too.  David does not.  I turn around and I talk.  What happens when Janet is gone?  It hurts to think that I will turn around and talk to someone and they won't be there.  I am borrowing life from my friend's husbands.  They are on loan to me.  I turn to them and talk when I have them but I don't have them all of the time.  So... I need my own person.  Yes?  Maybe.  I'll keep you posted.

Go on ahead... Hope

We are quick to stop hoping and stop dreaming.  I ask my students what they want and they have trouble telling me.  What do you want to be?  What do you dream about?  I'm finding that people have trouble dreaming.  When my son was in kindergarten, he wanted to be a cowboy.  He was so decisive about it.  Now, when I ask him, he's less decisive.  My daughter also has no idea.  Is it fear? Why should I even allow myself to dream?

I had a dream when I was younger.  I wanted to be a singer.  I went on auditions.  My friend, Abby from high school thought I was obsessed.  I was.  One day I remember waking up and thinking (maybe hearing) that I was never meant to be a singer.  Okay.  Now what?  I don't know how but God led me to become an educator, and there I found my purpose.  Those of you that once knew me as a singer sometimes ask me (they always ask me), "Do you still sing?"  Yes.  God in his infinite mercy still allows me to sing every once in a while.  I am blessed to be able to sing in His service.  I am so thankful for the opportunity.  Praise the Lord!!!

I was with my Bible Study Group (Bible Study Babes) on Monday and we talked about how scary it is to hope.  Should we hope?  Yes.  We should hope.

Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans that I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.

Romans 15:13
May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.

Romans 12:12
Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.

Isaiah 40:31
But they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.

Hebrews 11:1
Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.

Romans 15:4
For whatever was written in former days was written for our instruction, that through endurance and through the encouragement of the Scriptures we might have hope.

It should be okay to hope in something.  I can hope and ask God for something and see what ends up happening.  I praise God for the option of having the all scary hope.  My advice to you is to hope, go on ahead and see what happens.  Maybe, just maybe, you will get what you hoped for.  Wait on the Lord.

Grief... again

I was in a store today and I came across a DVD of the movie, Knight and Day.  I don't know why but it was a favorite of Santi's.  I girded myself.  You see, you may not know this but sometimes, grief is like an unexpected smack or a punch in the gut.  A smell, a song, a movie, you never know what will trigger it.  It comes out of no where, an abuser, a sadist, this thing called Grief.

I waited for it to hit.  It didn't.  Is it gone?  Have I grieved enough?  I don't know.  I pictured the last time I saw the movie with him.  I pictured the movie.  I pictured A Knight's Tale.  This is the last movie I saw with him.  Heath Ledger and the last movie combo is sure to trigger Grief's punch.  I waited some more.  I didn't know if I was happy or sad about it.

I came home and heard NAO's "Next Lifetime." This song crushed me.  It was like it was waiting for me.  There I was listening to the soothing sounds of James Bay and there it was.  Have you heard it?  I think you should look it up and give it a listen.  The weight of it all fell on me then. I was with him so long.  I loved him.  I remembered this for a moment.  Grief is an emotion bomb.  I was able to walk away.  I was able to remember.  I was able to bounce back.  And somehow, somehow, even with the grief, I had the feeling of balance.  Did I need to feel grief?  This horrible thing!!!  Is it needed?

Clearly I have been thinking about this and you know that I am going to bring in God. Psalm 34:17-19 says:
"When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears and delivers them out of all their troubles.  The Lord is near to the broken hearted and saves the crushed in spirit.  Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all."  When my heart breaks within me, in my humanity, I can lift my weary eyes to my good God and know that this life doesn't last long and there is Someone always in my corner.  I am thankful.  I am grateful, so grateful that I have this grief; this painful, reminder of what was.  I will see him again.  Next Lifetime.

I'm the type of person that...

I was painting my nails.  They are short and stubby now but I like painting them anyway.  I have painted them a pumpkins orange.  This made me think of the type of person that I am.

I am the type of person that:

• paints her nails but doesn't get her nails done and who does not have nails over an inch long.  
• if she were to get her nails done, she would have a french manicure or red nails.  I can't sit long enough to get my nails done.
• doesn't get her hair done.  I do it myself.  It bothers me to sit in a chair and be attended to for long periods of time.
• can wear lipstick, chapstick and lip gloss and pull it off because I have great lips.
• wears a little bit of make up every day but no foundation because I like seeing my skin through the enhancements.
• doesn't wear a lot of jewelry and I wear the same pieces regularly but I have tried to wear costume.  I want to wear costume but there is something false about it that rubs me wrong.  
• loves mascara and wears it on a daily basis.  I will wear concealer, mascara and something on my lips as a minimum.
• hugs first and asks questions later.
• likes wearing fragrances because smelling nice is important to me.  It makes me feel good about myself.
• can go to sleep with a mess but I don't like waking up with a mess so I clean.
• loves wearing crazy colors instead of neutral colors.
• loves to write, and sing.  There are not many things that I am creative about but I love words and love to read.
• has truly adequate observational skills and enjoys watching people.  I like to find good things to appreciate about people.  
• is an optimistic realist who values authenticity and honesty over other human character traits.  
• is always going to be someone's first choice.  I am not okay being someone's second choice.
• loves with everything that I have and I am strong enough to break my heart a thousand times because I know with every fiber in my being that I am loved by a Big God.
• will sit with you in the dark.
• smiles with tears pouring down my face.
• chooses happiness because it's a choice.

Understanding who you are is so important. 

In The Ellipse

Every day I get the sense that I am rounding a corner.  I can't see what it is really.  I have these strange dreams and I remember the feelings in them, snippets of them in my day to day life.  It feels like I'm riding a roller coaster.  I hate roller coasters.  I hate the slow ride up and the slow tip to that sinking feeling in my belly.  I think some of my friends can feel it too.  I like ellipses.  I use ellipses often.  It is an unfinished thought.  Maybe it's a pause.  It builds suspense.  There is the possibility that it is all in my head... There it is.  That mysterious ellipse. Maybe it's all in my head but there are days that I feel watched.  It's as if my life is really a story.  What would that look like?

Once upon a time, there was a girl who was not supposed to be.  There was a sick woman who wanted a baby more than anything in the world.  She had met her Colombian prince on a blind date.  He didn't care that she couldn't have any babies.  He would do what she wanted because in the end, he would do anything to make her happy.  She tried to get pregnant even though her doctors didn't think it would be wise.  Maybe there were babies before the girl.  There were babies after her.  She counts them as family that she didn't have but she wasn't supposed to be there so she could do anything that she wants when it comes to counting family.  The girl lost her own babies too.  She counted them as her babies that were not supposed to be.

The girl lost her mother.  She died in a blaze of glory.  She was raised by her father.  Girls need their dads.  Her Colombian King died when she was 26 years old.  Her own prince from Brooklyn died.  This girl who was not supposed to be ended up losing so many.  She was thankful for the babies that stayed.  There was a little boy and a little girl.  They brought light into her world.

What is the girl who was not supposed to be to do with her life?  What are the adventures that lay in store for her?  I think the fear is that there are no adventures left.  What really happens in this ellipse?  I used to talk about it with my dear cousin, Jackie.  I would tell her that I am my mother's miracle baby living a miracle life.  I think of them often.  My parents.  I have their stories before me.  I am their stories' keeper.  I am a story keeper.  And now, I have my late husband's story to tell.  Each breath, each beat of my heart, each moment is my wonderful story.  I won't need my children to tell it.  I will tell it myself.  Thank you for reading.