I have trouble making and maintaining adult relationships. I think this is part of the reason why I feel it is easier to talk to everyone instead of just some people. This just goes to show the lengths I will go to to avoid meaningful connections. There are a myriad of reasons why I have trouble doing this but at least one reason is attributed to imposition.
I have relationships where I just spend time sending memes for hours and this is how we communicate. I acknowledge well that I love my friend and I agree that sentiment can be easily and cleverly displayed through a meme. I have one relationship, a very close friendship that is conducted via "Words With Friends." A play on the other person's behalf tells me that he is alive and doing well. There are times when I would like to tell someone, "What are you doing? What are you doing right now? Forget all that and come to my house and let's watch 'Monk.'" I would like to invite someone to take me out (because I am always driving) to Outback for some gluten-free ribs and gluten free lava cake.
I admit I have the weirdest notions. I think it may be the Arizonian dynamic that is so distinct from living in a Metropolis like New York but I don't think it is dissimilar. I didn't want to impose on anyone in New York either. I think this idea comes from not having siblings. My husband had no qualms imposing on his brother when we lived in New York. I was envious of their tenuous bond. I remember when I asked how we would get home one holiday. It was late and cold and it would take us forever to get home. He told me, "My brother will take us home." I was so confused. Had he talked to him? No. Was this part of a plan? No. How could he be so sure? You know what he told me? "Because he's my brother." Sure enough, his brother took us all the way home and I was grateful.
I sit at home and I draft texts into the void. Am I bothering someone? Underneath this notion of imposing is the outsiders view of love. I tread lightly and am fearful because I don't belong and to belong to a group or to belong I must be pleasing. I am sad at my own frail human-ness. I am thankful to belong to God. I believe sincerely that He welcomes my impositions, each and every time I call to him. Every prayer, a text to be savored by my Savior.
So... I'm a bother? Okay. Always let me know when I'm being "too much." I will turn my attention to the One Who love me first and I will impose on Him, God.
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