I'll tell you what I did. I took everything that I was feeling. I took all of the worry and stress and I poured it into God. I often pray to God. I'm driving, I'm praying. I'm walking, I'm praying. If you ever see me talking to myself (and let's face it, you probably will) I am either telling myself a story or talking to God. Sometimes I'm telling Him the story. I also have prayer journals. Yesterday, I prayed as I went home and then before I went to sleep I prayed long prayers trying to tell God everything by writing them in my journal. I feel that this is more deliberate praying. I confessed to God about my selfishness and doubt. I asked for clarity. I prayed for strength, the strength I didn't feel I had.
Something strange happened. I thought I would continue with the heaviness but it was gone! Took a shower and I felt... free. I felt... happy!!! I'm scared of this word. I feel as soon as I say it then something comes along that takes it away. People call it joy. People call it satisfaction. People call it contentment. I think that they're scared to be happy too. Right now, I'm calling it happy. How can I be happy? How? I don't know. It's a miracle. I thought I would never be happy again. I thought I would have to go without make up and paint my wardrobe black. This is what I knew of widows. I thought I would have to put away the pieces of me that shine bright like a sun, away into a closet to show the work of death on my life. I think God made me to show His work on my life. I know that He made me to be a light in dark places, even when those dark places include death. Death no longer has its sting (I Corinthians 15:55).
So... here I am. What do I do with this? That's easy. I spread it. I hug people with warm hugs that attempt to take away a little of their burden. I find that my arms can absorb people's negativity. I find that there are times when my fingers can alleviate back pain. Maybe it's a gift. I don't know. I smile at people. I look like an idiot when I'm smiling to myself. When people cry, I cry with them. Why not? I'm clay in the Potter's hand. I'm just a little blade of grass, here today and gone tomorrow. Why not spread God's joy and peace to the others around me? I know what should be done. I should act my age. I should be somber as a widow of a certain age (even as I'm writing this I'm laughing). I should probably not dye my hair purple and I should cut it into a mature style instead of letting it grow long and wild down my back. I should probably do my make up in more natural colors instead of pinks, golds, purples and blues. Should widows not wear red lipstick? Should widows not laugh? I know. I probably shouldn't. I was never one for shoulds and shouldn'ts. If you know me at all you know this to be true.
Today I will pray for you. I will pray for God to bless you and give you peace so that you can spread it around like wild fire. Yes, there is evil in this world but think how millions of little candles can light the world. I pray for you to be happy too and then I pray that you can spread it!!!
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