Menopausal Mama

 Now that my plans have changed.  I think that I need to change.  First of all, I now acknowledge that I can no longer eat the way I used to eat and have been eating.  I'm not moving the way that I used to and right now, I can't seem to get into the flow of a regular gym workout.  I have about three months at the outset to finish this degree up and put it away with the hoopla it created in the back of my closet.  Honestly, I'm thinking about what is next but first, I need to confront this weight gain that I have assured comes from menopause.  I want to say that it comes from lovin Cheetohs but hey, menopause just sounds better.

Here is what I think I want.  I want to read.  I used to love reading and because of everything, I felt guilty reading.  Now I want to renew my library card and get lost in words.  I'm not going to let my poor vision ruin it for me  I mean, I have cool glasses!  Now is the time to use them.  

I thought the book that I would be writing is my dissertation.  I still want to write.  I have always wanted to write.  I love this blog that has allowed me to think about all of my thoughts and feelings.  I want to write... part time, at least.  Already I thinking of the stories that I will get to write.  Already I'm thinking about the characters I'm going to meet and the places that I will get to go.  It's like I'm already there.  It's exciting. 

I would like to get into yoga.  I know that there are a lot of Christians that are not a fan of the Eastern practice but I would still like to try it and practice it.  I think I would like to become someone that uses yoga to worship God.  Blasphemy you say?  Well, let's see.  I have to try something and yoga calls to me.  It may be the pants.  

Whatever is ahead of me, I have choices there are things in my power and it is all so exciting.  I love it. I am thankful to a God who listens to the deep prayers of our hearts and helps us escape our own way.  May I lean more on my Sovereign God.  

As for my friend, Menopause, I will be sweating and aging as I was meant to be.  Guys, a few years ago I was a heartbroken widow.  Then I was a lonely widow.  Then I made the decision to date and here we are now and I'm married.  Being married to Geoff makes me happy.  It's a blessing that we found each other and we are working on our journey to God together as fellow travelers in this life.  I am thankful for him deciding to become part of our family.  God knew what he was doing when he put us together.  Of course, the joke's on him because now he has to deal with a menopausal wife.  I mean, you reap what you sow, right?  Just kidding, a little bit.  I am thankful to God.  Praise the Lord!

Thinking Ahead

 Now that I am finishing up my "final" degree, I find that I have to rethink my opportunities.  I thought I would be some kind of professor and I would live a small life teaching adults how to do something in a small community college.  This may not be now and there are so many things that I am facing as a result. Of course, at this point in my story, I look up to the heavens and my prayer is, "God, what are you up to?"  I say this with a smirk and I am confidant that the story that God is leading me on is much better than the one that I had set up for myself.  It's just not what I expected.  

I am happy, despite my massive failure.  I am celebrating not being a doctor by graduating (ahead of time) in a few weeks.  There are times that I find a small shame in explaining to people that I have failed and instead of a doctorate, I will be earning a Masters in Leadership.  I have to laugh at it all.  I have never seen myself as a leader in the same way that I didn't think I was a teacher and yet here I am working on about 17 years of teaching.  There is such an honor in graduating though.  God has been so merciful to me!  I am amazed at God's goodness in my life.  

I think that there is a question of what is next.  I have been talking it out with my family.  We are talking about taking vacations.  I'm trying to get into a ministry at the church (now that I have more time).  I am looking at books to read and I'm basking in this hot autumnal season and I am hoping that in the South West, I get a reprieve from the heat and I am able to enjoy a proper sweater weather.  

I just read a book about wishing and I guess that if I am honest, I have always wanted to write.  Look at me now!  I'm writing!  I may not make my living off of it but here I am writing.  God is good to me.  I had wanted to be a singer and every Sunday I am afforded the opportunity to sing.  God is great to me.  I think that I will go for long walks and enjoy sunsets.  I think that I will spend time with my family.  I think that I will try an appreciate the little things in my life each and every day because tomorrow is not promised and here I am staunchly in today.  I know that there are moments that are hard and defeating.  I know that I am not who I was and I may not be who I would like to be but at this moment my heart is full, my cup runs over and God is good to me.  Praise the Lord! 

Not a Doctor

These days, every now and again, I remember the work that I put into a dissertation that will not be written and it saddens me.  I think this is the correct emotion.  But then I think about how I am almost done with this journey and I feel relief and joy.  The positives outweigh the negatives and I am wondering about the path that God has for me.  I should be defeated and depressed but instead there are just good things.  

I was driving home the other day and I was listening to a podcast on the Bible that I found on Spotify.  I think that it had to do with an overview of the Bible books in 30 minutes and I felt lead to listen to this podcast.  On the podcast, the man speaking talked of attempting to get his doctorate and at the time he was leading a church.  At some point, he understood that he would have to choose between the doctorate and the leadership position and he chose the church. I felt... akin to this man.  I understood this choice well and it resounded with me.  I mean, it wasn't exactly a choice.  I didn't have enough time to finish.

So... What will my title be now that I'm not going to be Dr.  I think out of everything, this is the part that upsets me.  I'm just some older lady walking around with three degrees and not one of them is a doctorate.  I guess it's not so bad.  I'm working on my last two classes and then I get to find out what else I can do.  It feels like my future is stretched out before me and I am right where I am supposed to be.  Isn't this a blessing?  Praise the Lord!

Changing Focus: A Confession

 It's Thursday evening and I find myself surprised.  I am working on reading a chapter on management.  I find as I am reading that this is thrilling. You may not know this but I am basking in a second chance.  I failed.  I failed brilliantly and here I am with the opportunity to do something else.  I am thankful to God for bestowing on me honor that I truly don't deserve and yet, here I am.  This is the grace of God.  

I had been working for years on trying to get my EdD.  I was hoping to get my educational doctorate in organizational leadership.  I was under the idea that I would like in Higher Education in some way or shape.  So I worked.  I went through all the phases.  I went up to submitting my proposal for AQR review when the review board let me know that I would not be able to complete my study in time for my April 2023 deadline.  I had worked tirelessly and it was so stressful.  In all transparency, I confess to you now that my drive for  the doctorate dried up when my late husband died.  What was I working so hard for?  I continued for the sake of my children but in the time that I attempted the last of it I had: dated for a year, I was a single mother, got married, changed jobs, changed homes, changed cars and in all of that changing, I changed focus.  

The university let me know that I had done enough work to be conferred a Masters of Science degree in Organizational Leadership.  I happily agreed to complete my last two classes.  I am currently taking a Leadership class that has a focus on various industries and I'm happy to read several chapters a week, write papers and contribute to online discussion boards.  

I sit here taking a moment from my reading and note taking as I look around to the busy and messy dining room table I am working on.  I look around my house and I need to clean, or my children need to clean but for the most part my house looks like a home.  My children are under my roof, driving me crazy, a sure sign of love and happiness and I praise God for His faithfulness in my life.  I don't know how to live in this world without Jesus. 

And friend, I am so looking forward to the next adventure.  Buckle in your seatbelts.  I'm sure it will be an epic adventure.  Praise the Lord!

National Day of Failing and of Resting

 I got out of the car today as I was coming home.  It was a long Monday.  I had the radio on and the disc jockey stated that today was the National Day of Failing and of Resting.  I told my dear sweet husband this as I walked through the door.  He said something like, "Well, now that you have failed, you can rest."  Isn't that the truth!!!!

I sat there.  I have to fill out some papers and scan them in.  I am preparing for the last two classes.  I picked up a book and again, my dear sweet husband tells me, "What!  You think you can read now because you aren't writing?"  I laughed. This is exactly how I felt.  

Later, I spoke to my chair over the phone.  We reflected.  She told me how amazing and how proud she was of all of the work that I had put into my degree.  I was so close but I really don't feel bad.  I fought so hard for so long to try and finish.  I am ok walking away with the consolation prize of a lesser degree.  God has a plan in place.  He has a good plan for me.  Maybe the way to proper is to first fail.  

I find today apropos for the sentiment.  Already I feel myself letting go.  I feel aspects of myself already growing again after being stifled for so long.  I thought it would be hard to write about but... it's not.  God is for me, then who can be against me? (paraphrasing Romans 8 here).  Today I took time out of my day to give thanks and praise to God Who looks out to me.  I am now and have been, blessed beyone all measure.

The Bible says that the ending of something is better than the beginning.  There is relief and peace.  I am humbled, but in a good way and now there is more of me to spread (because there is a lot of me to spread).  I'm excited to see what the Lord has next for me.  In the meantime, Praise the Lord!

Failing

 A few years ago, right before my late husband died, I went on a hike with my children.  It was hard to find the starting point and when we finally got there I was faced with a very steep climb ahead of me.  I trudged along as my children went ahead of me.  At some point I lost my son and my daughter had to rush ahead while I sat crying amidst a legitimate panic attack wondering if my son was okay.  He was almost to the top when his little sister found him and told him to go all the way back down to where I was.  Together we continued up this hill where older ladies were passing me and there was a couple that ran up the hill.  I could barely walk up it.  My hips were screaming and my back was done with my efforts.  Still I climbed to where the hill plateaued.  I was so happy to reach it to this mark.  I thought I had reached the top.  But when I looked out, I could see that there was still about a horizontal mile before I made it to the tippy top.  I didn't continue.  I stopped where I was.  I took a picture of my children and then we started making our way home.  We were exhausted.  At the time, James, my late husband was home.  He would pass away within the month.  I remember talking to him about the hike and he asked for us to bring us food from Denny's when we ordered our victory lunch.  I feel that this forshadows a journey that has taken years to take.

I started an academic program years ago.  I did well but this week I was told that I would not be able to finish the initial program.  I was given the benefit of a consolation prize.  I will be able to complete a Masters degree. I agreed.  It isn't what I wanted but it is what I am getting. 

My initial reaction was this feeling of failure and of being a loser.  I am hard on myself but after prayer and my current husband boistering up my spirits, I am thankful for the opportunity and honestly, I am relieved.  It feels like I have my life back.  I am going through the hoops of finishing up the degree. and I'm... at peace and happy.  I don't think that this is the right reaction but yet, here I am.  Thank you, Jesus.  I prayed for an option and this is the option and I'm so good with it all.

I think for a moment of the people that are disappointed in me.  I'm not so disappointed.  I want to believe that I am where God wants me to be.  I am thankful for His providence.  I look forward to the future and I am hopefully trusting in God.  

There are many changes afoot.  There have been many changes afoot.  It has been a complicated time but I am glad to be out of the tunnel breathing the fresh air again.  I don't have the heaviness of having something beyond my scope weighing me.  Let's be clear, I could have done it.  But I didn't and I'm okay with that.  Praise the Lord!

A Teacher's Prayer

 The other day I was watching a stand up comedian and I looked at my husband and I told him, "I think I can do that."  He told me to sit down.  I mean, I think that I am funny.  I can be funny.  I think I meant to say that in my whiny voice.  Can you hear it if I say, "Think more whiny."  I can be funny.  In my head it came out exactly how I expected.  Maybe I should take his advice and learn to sit down.

I had big dreams.  I have always had big dreams.  I had this sense of who I was.  I still have that confidence in who I am.  I look around the room where I am working.  Well, maybe I can work on a few things.  Here is the thing, if God meant for me to have a different life then, maybe I would have a different life.  I can't tell you how much I have tried to escape teaching and yet here I am... teaching.  "God," I pray. "Really, God?  Is there any way that I could try something else?"  I look around and I try applying for other jobs.  There should be no reason why I don't get another job and yet, I am overlooked.  I pray to God and I can hear that those jobs were not meant for me.  "But, God, I never wanted to teach."  I ran from teaching the way that Jonah ran away from Nineveh.  He spent three days in a whale and still had to go back and prophesy to Nineveh.  God will tell me that it is not about what I want but what He wants.  I should want what he wants.  

This year, I have started embracing teaching in my own way.  I wanted a plant theme and I went out and went crazy getting plants.  I want to teach the students how to have a growth mindset instead of a fixed mindset.  Already they are warming up to me.  I bought a shirt that announced to the world that I was a teacher.  I think I have finally embraced my occupation.  I am waving my white flag.  Okay, God, I am a teacher.  I very educated and degreed teacher.  I think that there is a possibility that I can do this job well.  We will soon find out.  

It is the second week of school and already I am tired.  I look forward to cooler days and celebrations.  I look forward to the breaks found throughout the school year.  I look up what this state is willing to do to help teachers make ends meet.  There appears to be a disrespect for teachers as professionals.  It's hard to make a comfortable life.  We need more teachers to help spread the need out.  I talk to kids, I tell them to consider teaching.  They smile.  I can almost see the head shake.  Everyone knows that teachers have a bad deal.  

God, help the teachers this year as they educate and fight for their students.  God open up hearts and mind to receive knowledge.  I pray that parents hear and understand what we are trying to say.  I pray that you help the teacher's heart.  Help them to be strong in a hard job.  Please God, have mercy on our teacher.  

Amen.

Have you prayed for your children's teachers lately?  I would recommend it.  Ask them how we could be praying for them and then pray for them.  They have your children for a big chunk of the day.  Consider that.  In the meantime, praise the Lord!