Christopher St on a Sunday

I recently saw this movie.  The music was upbeat and sweet with a jazzy feel.  It reminded me of Desiree's "Gotta Be."  The movie and the song reminded me of walking in the Village on a quiet sweet Sunday in New York in the Spring.  I may even be able to say that it was 1994.  I can see the places in my mind.  I would wake up early and get dressed.  The style was baggy boy jeans with a mock turtle neck body suit.  I wore black lace up combat boots.  Of course, I had bangs and my hair was half up.  I loved wearing peacoats.  I loved winter because of the coats.  That was when I liked the cold. 

There were days when New York had a smell.  It had a feel to it.  Sometimes it was hard and other times it was sweet and gentle.  I get a reaction when I talk about New York today, here in Arizona.  People look at me like they envision a movie.  They don't know how humid it gets in New York.  They can't imagine all of the sound.  We don't walk here.  I miss that about New York.  I hear that even in New York, they are using dating apps.  I can't imagine.  I used to just walk around all the time.

I watched that movie, the one I mentioned above and it brought me back.  I can see myself walking up 7th Avenue.  I can see the little park by the infamous basketball park.  I liked the pizza on the corner.  I had a boyfriend that used to work in the record store that was not far from there.  The thing that I liked the most was walking anonymously with and without music while looking and browsing at people and things.  There were shiny new stores with beautiful displays and old vintage stores with wonderful old dusty things.  You never knew what you would see walking around.  There was possibility.  That was the thing.  It was all so hopeful and real.  There was a peace to the busyness.

Here there is peace all of the time.  Is there such a thing as too much quiet?  It's hard to be at peace in a busy place, with sun shining on my face.  The sun is different there.  There are too many high buildings to get a lot of direct sunlight.  Here there is direct sunlight all of the time.  Here I look for shade wherever I go.  I think it is called nostalgia.  I don't know if it is one of the stages of grief but I think it should be.  I may have to pull some more thoughts out of the old nostalgia closet. 

Yankee Fan

I'm from the Bronx, so, I'm a Yankee fan.  Santi was a Mets fan.  I was a Mets fan for only one year and I'm man enough to admit it.  That year was 1986.  Some of you know what I'm talking about.  I can almost hear the cheers as we remember the iconic 86 Mets.  I think it was my favorite year for baseball.

I told someone that I was a Yankee fan.  The Yankee symbol is the N from New and the Y of York and Yankee on top of each other.  I love it.  The simplicity of it, white embroidery over a navy background.  Yankee Stadium is located in the Bronx, MY BOROUGH!!  The Yankees have 27 World Series Wins.  Here we are in this humble sweet borough, the "not Manhattan" of New York City.  And then in the midst of one of the biggest metropolises of the world, in The Bronx is found the world famous Yankees. I was pooh poohed.  If you don't understand, you don't understand.

It is with pride that the Bronx can rep Yankees.  I think there have been times that me personally, I needed something to be proud of.  I may live in the Bronx and my boyfriend just broke up with me but I live in the same borough as Yankee Friggin Stadium, so show some respect!!!!  I am a vicarious winner through the Yankees.  This is the commonality that I have with them.  The Yankees mean more to the Bronx than just their wins.  They are iconic, authentic and awesome, just like the people of the Bronx.   I'm a Yankee fan and I tell you that there is every possibility that I will be a fan till the day I die.  Go Yankees!!!!

Blue Nails and Purple Hair

I like colors.  I like vivid and bold colors that pop.  If you pile on glitter, I'll like it even more.  Right this second, I am wearing a royal blue colored by the name of Wired. I make a concession regarding my hair.  I may have mentioned it before that dying my hair a natural color seems like lying.  However, I don't know how I look with just gray.  I like dying it an unnatural color to have some fun with the grays.  I have to ask myself why I choose these colors.  What does that say about me?

I have piercings.  I have seven in total.  I'm thinking about adding some more. Can I get away with getting a nose ring?  Can I add some more on my ear lobes?  I think I can go all the way up.  There are new places to get piercings like in the cartilage on the other side of the lobe.   I'm a purple hair, blue nails, red lipstick, multiple earring wearing Mama.  I have have a tattoo on my right ankle (that's a story for another time.  It's really good!!!  I promise).  I'm thinking about getting a few more.  Where would I put it?  What would it be?  And here is the real question: What does it all say about me?  Because what you choose to do, how you choose to present yourself talks about you, sometimes more than what you say does.

I think about what I say when I'm not talking.  I think about what my walk says and what my choices say about who I am.  I look at my pictures.  All I see is me.  I don't think I'm saying anything at all, except that I think that it is clear that I like who I am and I like the choices that I make.  In fact, maybe I want to say that I'm not sacred to wear purple hair.  Maybe I'm not scared to wear something other people won't.  And why do I do it?  Because I care what other people think?  No!!!  I do it because I like doing it.  Because I like bold colors.  Now, if only I could be this wonderful when it comes to interior decor.

Encouragement

I'm going to leave this post short.  I think that we don't encourage enough.  I want to know how encouragement motivates people.  What do people think about being encouraged?  I bought a pack of blank cards.  It's back to school time.  What would happen if I were to give encouragement cards to teachers on the first week of school?  I'm going to have to let you know.  Maybe this is part 1 of part 2. 

Validation

I have been talking and thinking of validation lately.  Validation or the act of being valid speaks to the value of something.  However rather than the intrinsic worth of someone or something, it is like the process of finding something valuable.  I think that each of us would like to think that we add worth to this world and that we are valuable in our own eyes.  But what of the eyes of others?  

I think that I have struggled with acceptance and validation. I think that this is the reason that I had a hard time with insecurity.  In general, I am a very secure person.  I believe that this is the first thing that you would notice about me.  And yet, I think that I had a lot of trouble with finding validation with other people..  

In high school, I wanted to be a singer.  I loved to sing.  I sang often in church and I would find avenues to sing in.  I met my husband and he loved that I was a singer.  I sang in school choirs and college choirs.  I would audition.  My father supported me in my love of singing.  I thought that I would try my hand at it as much as possible when I graduated from college.  It was a thing.  I hung out with Abigail Alexander and she would tell me that I was like the Counting Crows song, "Mr. Jones."  I wanted it all so badly, the creativity, the fame and the wealth.  I thought that my personality and my life was about this.  I remember waking up one morning and instantly understanding that this life that I wanted so badly was not what God wanted for me.  In a moment, all desire to be a singer disappeared.  Instead, I was led down paths of education to educate.  I am soooo stubborn, God saw fit to lead me down the only door that was left and I went... kicking an screaming!!!

I didn't want to be a singer, I wanted validation.  I wanted to find value in what other people thought.  But...(And I say this with love), people suck!!!  Not all people but trying to seek validation from people is definitely not a good idea.  I read Romans 8, yes, the whole chapter.  It tells me that I am more than a conqueror.  It tells me that if God is for me than who can be against me.  It tells me that there is now no condemnation for me in Christ Jesus.  As the school year starts and I develop new friendships with co-workers.  My prayer is to not go after what I already have, validation.  Because God's validation is enough.

Using Things

I'm in the process of changing.  I'm discovering this new version of myself as I'm doing it.  You see, I've been thinking of who I am now.  Who is this Elle who does not have another half?  At first, I'll be honest, it is so hard to think of who you are without the reminder of who you are missing.  Now that I'm reinventing myself, I find that I am not who I thought I was.

On the same topic, I am aging.  I had this whole other post trying to explain aging but I think I can embed the idea in this post.  Years ago, when I turned thirty (and started using moisturizer), I came to the conclusion that I have to be more than just being pretty.  Actually, the idea started earlier.  I struggled with conventional ideas of beauty as an adolescent.  I said to myself, "Who wants popular and thin when you can have an authentic mess?"  Okay.  So I didn't say that but I was thinking along these lines as I questioned society's ideas of beauty.  Then, when I hit thirty, That's when I made the decision of not worrying about aging.  Here I am almost halfway to a hundred and I'm dealing with identity.  I find I have to remind myself that I am not about what I look like or what I do.  I am a Child of God and I have to be about this first.

Okay, so... let me talk about using things.  As I move toward greater understanding, I am discovering that even in the brief time that I have been a widow, I am changing.  This surprises me.  I'm not recognizing myself.  I feel like I'm Whoopi Goldberg as Rita Miller in "Ghost."  I have to ask out loud if I like things or have things.  I look at my things and I'm like, "Why do I have these shoes?  I don't even like them."

When I was in my twenties, I went to Bergdorf Goodman.  I remember buying this beautiful lipstick from Chanel.  It made me feel so special.  I loved it.  So I saved it to wear on special occasions.  One day, I had a special occasion.  I went to wear it and it was so stale I had to throw it out.  I think of this story all of the time.  Now as I go through my things, I realize that I need to use things and if I don't plan on using it then I need to throw it away or give it away.  Maybe I even need to sell things. When I get stuck, I think about this Bible verse:
"For everything in the world- the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life- comes not from the Father but from the world.  The world and its desires pass away, but whoever does the will of God lives forever." I John 2:16-17.

I can't be about what I want.  I have to be about what God wants.

Get Rest

There's a saying. There's no tired like first week of school tired.  There you are, living the life fantastic.  Waking up late every morning.  Staying up late at night.  Getting rest.  With the time I had, I was reading and walking.  I was taking naps.  I made plans and resolutions.  The summer was a time of both vacation and stay-cation.  I mean, I was making coffee dates and meeting people.  I was spending time with my children.  Every day was wonderful!!!  There is nothing quite like summer for a teacher.

I heard some where how exciting the first days of school are.  They were saying how wonderful it is to get school supplies.  I'm not excited!!!  I see school supplies in stores and I get anxious!  Cold sweat pours down my face.  It means that my summer is over.  Now, I like and appreciate my job, but I'm not bored and waiting for it to start. I miss my time, especially with my children.

I've been back at work for five days.  Already I am tired and the students are not back yet.  They come on Tuesday.  I had all of these plans that in the bright light of summer, were feasible.  I have not been meal prepping because I just fall asleep when I come home.  I have been eating horribly.  I have not been working out.  I've been cranky.  When I'm tired, I think that I am the worst version of myself.  Here I am tired  I'm the worst!!!  I snap at people  I'm judgmental.  I'm emotional.  Add hungry to the mix and I become the worst person that ever existed.

I think of this in light of Christianity.  Matthew 11:28-30 says, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." I make my own interpretation of this which doesn't necessarily mean that I am right.  This past week has been busy and I know that it will only intensify.  Okay, I think, "God, how do I come to You?  What kind of rest are you talking about?  I can't stop even if I wanted to and You're going to make this happen?"  I question God.  This is bad!  I doubt God's ability to give me rest.  In doing this, I am sinning.  I want to be clear about this.

So, I think about my exhausted state.  I remember this Bible verse.  I'm tired so I go to God in prayer.  This is what my prayer looks like, "God, I'm tired.  I don't like this because when I'm tired I'm cranky and I eat and act poorly.  Please allow me rest or strength.  Thank You, God. I love You.  Amen."  Then I wait to see what that rest looks like.  I am thankful because my prayer has been heard.  I am grateful to have and serve a loving Father who looks after the needs of His children.  Praise the Lord!  I'm going to believe that God is going to help me in doing what I need to do.  So, my Friends, don't be like me.  Trust that God is going to help you too.