Reprioritizing

 It is only now that I am considering some of my very bad habits.  In my last post, I wrote about my weight loss journey and this whole thing has me rethinking about what is important to me, what is important in my life.  For years, I have thought about the things that I wanted.  It is hard to write the hard things.  I initially set up this blog as therapy, and in order for therapy to be successful, I have to talk/write about the hard things.  As a girl and as a young adult, I wanted to be thin, thin and not healthy.  I wanted nice things because I thought that the nice things were indicative of a nice life.  Now, I just want a nice life and there is no need for evidence.  I am not living for other people.  I live not even for myself.  I am living for God.  

I am a shop-o-holic.  I remember going to stores with my parents and I would ask for a small thing.  I knew I would get it if it were small.  I loved my tiny treasures that I had no real need for.  This is when it started.  My mother would buy me shoes despite the fact that every day I wore uniform shoes.  I loved when my father would take me shopping for an event.  Like now, we would get a complete outfit for events like Easter or Christmas.  This meant: dress, shoes, hosiery, purse, accessories. It was a big deal for someone who wore a uniform for the majority of her life.  The other day I was talking to my daughter, and I mentioned Easter outfits.  She reminded me that Easter was not about the outfits.  This economy does not allow for a lot of shopping.  As I look around, I find that I may have too much and it is time that I scale back.  I wonder how much I have spent on trinkets. 

Online shopping is the worst.  I feel like I hit that "Buy now" button with no remorse.  Later, after the euphoria of tracking my package and having it arrive, I think about the wisdom of buying frivolities.  They are so cute, and I love the high of saving had I bought the item someplace else.  At least when I was in a store, I had a strategy.  I would walk around looking at everything.  Processing everything that was there.  I would get a cart and walk around with things and then slowly put them back and leave without a thing.  Harder to do online than in person.  

Who is God?  What is His character like? I find myself reprioritizing.  I'm trying to lose weight, and it is hard.  It is hard being hungry with Doritos in the pantry at night.  Even now, I hear them call to me.  It is almost like I can taste them.  I get sleepy hungry.  The other night I was half asleep and I ate my heart's content.  The next day I felt super heavy and sluggish.  I drink tea.  I drink more water.  There is no eating while on the fast.  The intermittent fasting works.  I visualize myself thinner but no matter what I think I will look like; it will not be like the actuality of the matter.  

God reminds me in Matthew 6.  The Word admonishes me to not worry about anything.  The penultimate verse in the chapter states, "But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you."  God reminds us in the next verse, "Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself.  Sufficient for the day is its own trouble."  The truth of the matter is that I am worried.  I do get anxious.  My bad habits are evidence of my not trusting in God.  I will continue to pray for further introspection. Until then, praise God!

The Worst-Case Scenarios

 I'm a teacher.  Currently, I teach 6th through 8th grade self-contained classroom.  My students have very specific needs.  I'm trying to be careful as I write because I want to protect them and really, this post is not about them.  I have people that work with me and this past week, some of them were let go.  They are good people.  I'm actively praying for them to find a better way.  

There is talk about my school closing.  Keep it open and the margin for comfort goes down significantly.  Should the school close then my program would move to another building.  Allegedly, my program would move anyway.  My vote is to move but there are so many other teachers and parents that are fighting for the school to stay open.  I get it.  When there was talk of my little A school that my wonderful kids went to, I was fit to be tied.  I wrote emails and I tried to let the media know.  I was livid at the thought that my kid's perfect little school was closing, and they were talking about sending my darling children to the worst school in the district.  At the end of the day, they ended up going to the much farther music school that was the compromise.  All this to say that I understand their thoughts.

The whole thing reminds me of God telling the Israelites to move and a remnant to stay when it came to the Babylonian takeover.  Don't we all love the status quo?  Don't we love the thought of what is known?  There is a part of us that can't imagine the worst-case scenario.  Well, I sit here typing just to tell you that worst-case scenarios happen all of the time.

What is there to help us navigate it all?  What is there to help us understand when our brains don't let us?  What do we do when the worst thing that can happen, happens?  I'll tell you what I have done.  I pray.  I call out to God, the Triune God.  If the school closes... If we don't get the job... If we can't pay a bill or bills...  Do yourself a favor, pray.  Believe that there is a God who can help you and pray.  

Right now, I find myself praying about opportunities.  I think that this is an adequate prayer too.  I pray that instead of facing worry, I should pray.  When I am not enough, I need to pray.  And after all of that prayer, I will praise my Good God who walks with me when I'm going through the valley of the shadow of death.  Praise the Lord!

The Weight-Loss Journey

 I am on a weight-loss journey.  I have lost about 80 pounds.  I started this journey at the end of 2022.  It has been about 2 full years.  Last year I had some trouble with my thyroid, and I was really stuck at a certain weight for about 6 months.  I was placed on thyroid medication, and I think I am at the right dosage.  

I have gone through so many clothes. Even now as I'm typing, I know that I will have to go through most of the clothes in my closet.  I am not even close to my goal weight.  I sometimes find myself standing in the closet just looking at my clothing collection.  I don't try on everything because I know that there are many clothes that will not fit.  I don't know about you but there are many clothes that I have come to love.  I have so many clothes and shoes.  These clothes are bound to not fit me in a few years.  Here is the question: What clothes will represent me when I reach my goal weight? What would I look like?  Who will I be?  Already I am changing.  I am one of those people who cross her legs. I am one of those people who sit cross legged on the bed talking with my handsome husband.  I couldn't do that before.  

There are aspects of this weight loss journey that is psychological.  There are aspects that are hard.  I find that I am harder on myself than anyone else.  I like to push myself.  This whole thing is a learning experience.  I am not just physically changing; I am changing parts of who I am.  I think I'm looking forward to looking different.  And yet, I am aging.  I tell myself that I am a Boho Viejita Baddie.  I like this image of myself in rompers of differing colors.  I have taken to wearing headbands and funky earrings.  I like the edgy boho look of the 90s.  I find myself wearing black tights and boots with skirts and t-shirts.  The quintessential teacher look that seems to become me fine.

Who knows how I will redo my closet?  Who knows what clothes I will gravitate to?  I am reinventing myself and I don't really have to know now, do I?  In any case, Praise the Lord!

Aging Hurts

 I wish there was a warning label on aging.  I wish they would sell stickers to put on mirrors reminding the observer that things are only going to get worse.  Aging hurts.  This is something I didn't expect.  I'm not talking about the aches and pains associated with aging.  I'm not a fan of rain because my knees creak and ache when it rains. This is bad enough, but there's more!  The physical pain doesn't seem to shine a light compared to the psychological effects of knowing that there is every possibility that I have lived most of my life already.  

All of a sudden, I feel the need to show that I have lived a worthy life.  I want my little, tiny strand of a life to matter, but to who?  Even now in my August age, I am attempting to be validated.  I should tell you about my rockstar dreams.  It was through my relationship to God that I learned that I had already been validated thousands of years ago when my Savior died on a wooden cross to that I may be free.  

I need to shift my paradigm.  The wrinkles and loose skin that I encounter in the mirror.  The gray hair that I am always fighting pops up and asks, "Did you miss me?"  I didn't. I start the whole game of hide and seek again.  When I don't, people (like this one well-intentioned woman) assume that I am already retired.  Cashiers ask if I would like the senior discount.  When she asked me, I was tempted to tell her no because I would rather not save money than to be confused with one of the AARP ilk.  I'm finding that I am vain.  I wish you could hear the onslaught of humility in my voice, and it echoes in my head in stereo.  I am vain, an admission of guilt.  

I need to be okay with getting older.  I am loved by a good God even while I am aging.  Even being post-menopausal.  If I don't write the great American novel, I am still loved by a good God.  Every day that I grow older is another step toward my inevitable demise.  I am closer to God each step I take.  I should not be worried about all of the stuff that I haven't done.  I need to be concerned with living my life for Christ so I can be presented as worthy through grace of God alone.  It's a lot, I know.  I have to hear this so I write it.  

Instead of watching what is coming.  I am going to praise God through all of my pain.  I'm going to live in today instead of trying to peek at what is coming tomorrow.  Today is what it is but whatever happens, God is control.  Praise the Lord!

A Birthday and a Funeral

I had a conversation today with a woman who was slightly older than me.  The topic of our conversation?  Menopause.  When did I become menopausal?  I feel like just yesterday I was graduating from high school.  I was hoping to fall in love.  I wondered who I would marry.  Yesterday, we celebrated my daughter's 17th birthday.  17 is a number that I look upon favorably.  It's a number that pops up and I become happy.  I don't want to call it my lucky number because the only year that I have lived through that had a 17 was the second worst year of my life.  However, I want to feel optimistic now that my baby girl has made it to this incredible age.

This is her last year before she becomes an adult.  It's times like these that I envy those who have five or six children.  I have 364 days before I become the mother of adults.  Why does this hurt so much?  It makes me want to start a support group: Mothers of Adult Children.  I look at my beautiful baby girl and I wonder how many moments I have left with her being a kid.  I'm counting them out.  I'm taking pictures.  I am taking advice from my friend; Benito and I'm taking all of the pictures I can.  I collect souvenirs to remind myself of how I had babies once.  What did parents do before Facebook memories?  Pictures pop up and make me remember and I am so thankful for all of it.  

Not long ago, a friend of mine passed away.  Her funeral is coming up mid-February.  I am not so sure that I can go.  I miss my friend dearly.  I remember the conversations that we have had.  Honestly, I can't believe that she is gone.  

All of this is making me face the shortness of life.  It goes by unbelievably fast.  Ferris Bueller was right.  If we don't stop and look around, we may miss it all.  Are you spending more time being thankful or do you spend your time complaining?  Are you allowing yourself to be someone who is loveable?  We all want to be loved when we are at our worst.  What if we don't allow ourselves to be our worst?  What if we make ourselves be the people that people want to love?  Not that we aren't already.  Seeing my life through my daughter and my friend.  I am thankful to God to have allowed me such a life.  It has been scary and hard but He has been with me every second of every day.  I have never felt alone.  So my prayer is to live this life that God has given me. I want to make sure that the time I have left is in giving and living a big life.  Whatever dreams I have left, I need to pray them.  I need to try and when I die, when and not if, I will die trying to do the best that I can.  As always, praise the Lord!

Just Write

 I fear that I am the kind of person who doesn't always finish things. I am very stubborn.  I find that I can be very capable, but I can be inconsistent.  I, like many other humans, tend to overthink things.  I have a value for words, and I believe that there is a power in the ability to communicate and communicate well.  The person who has a silver tongue is a person with a truly valuable skill.

I had to look into the mirror recently and I had to call myself a name I am not sure that I have earned.  I had to call myself... a storyteller.  I am a storyteller teacher.  I have lived stories and I have heard stories.  I believe in the power of stories so to call myself a storyteller is a self-possessed title I am not sure that I am worthy of.  After all the history of the world began with the noble title of storyteller. 

And so... when I have the keyboard and the blank page before me, it is with trepidation that I start typing.  There are days when I wonder when the words will come from and then they appear as if from the sky.  There are words that when I read them back, I wonder if it was me or if I'm just a conduit.  Honestly, sometimes it is when I'm not even trying that I find that it is easier to write.  Either way, I am convincing myself to stop being in my own head and just write.  Am I worthy?  I tell you clearly that I am not but write I must anyway.  It is with thankfulness that I hear the melody that is my fingers hitting the keys.  It is with the most grateful heart that I write that which is written in my head, on my heart.  Maybe being worthy doesn't come into it at all.  Maybe this writing business has more to do with listening to the Creator of all things and being a mirror image of Him by writing.  I am but an instrument.  I then should be the instrument.  I mean, a piano has no problem being a piano.  It stands waiting for the music to pour forth through it.  Likewise, as an instrument, I will wait until the artistry of God pours forth through me in my very human hands.  

So then, not to write would be in this instance, an act of disobedience and a waste of potential which is such a horrendous sin.  Imagine the singer that does not sing because they are shy, and he or she denies the world of its brilliant voice because of his or her self-consciousness.  Is this an act of ego that holds someone back from doing something good and noble?  There is every possibility that this is all in my head and if it is then I am just a mad woman writing about nothing.  Either way, my writing, does no harm.  And so, I will do what I am called to do, and I will continue to just write.  Either way, praise the Lord!

Happy New Year Writing

 I have a thing with resolutions.  Last year, none of my family made any resolutions. I made one and failed at it almost immediately.  I spoke about it in the last post but, to be fair, my foot went down one whole shoe size!!!  Of course I needed more shoes!  How was I going to make it with just a few pairs of shoes?  We went hiking and my hiking boots were way too big.  I bought new ones and then I bought a few more pairs of shoes.  It wasn't my fault that I walked through Dillard's when the Clearance shoes was 70% off.

In any case, I made no resolutions.  I am on a weight loss journey, and I am down 70 pounds in 2 short years.  I think that's good, but the struggle has been real!  I will continue with my journey and I'm excited where it will take me.  Last year I had not been reading and I set aside the last year to read and get more into the trending books.  I fell back in love with words.  I love the sound of the keyboard.  I have been trying to get into some stories, and I have been writing more.  I recently remembered a story that happened in 2002, and I had to write it down.  Who knows if I would even remember in a few years what happened in the story.  I need to write while the memories are fresh, and I am in a disposition to write.  

I'm going to tell you that writing give me hope.  I love the idea of having stories and a part of me that lasts beyond my life on this earth.  I realize that my story is not about me but about Jesus.  However, I also believe that the Lord leads us to what He wants us to do with this wonderful life that he has given us.  For this reason, I'm blogging again.  I know that blogging is not the way to go.  I blog for myself.  I blog because I am called to write.  So here I am following the storytelling road and praying that the Lord helps me to write the stories He wants people to hear.  With this in mind, I tell you all, Praise the Lord!!!

The Old Things

 It's the brand-new year and OF COURSE, I'm being reflective about it.  It's so strange the things we end up thinking about. I found myself thinking about the new things that I wanted to surround myself.  Thinking about new habits, new things, new customs.   You know what they say, "Out with the old, in with the new."  As I think about the ecological issues this world is facing with garbage and recycling (this is a post all on its own), I wonder about the actions that I can do both small and big.

My most recent thoughts are not that deep.  I have been using a purse that my late husband bought me a while ago.  Now, if you know me, you know that I have a problem with purses and shoes, but I have been getting better.  This past year, I have only bought like 5 pairs of shoes and for the most part, I had to buy shoes because my foot went down one whole size (I'm so happy about this!).  When I took this particular purse out of the closet, I told myself that I need to use things.  The fact of the matter is that I want to use the things that I own.  I don't want to leave them all in the closet gathering dust.  I think that Santi would want me to use this purse.  Now, I'm looking at this beautiful purse with its leather finishes and its vibrant colors and I see that I have been putting wear and tear on this purse.  I'm not planning on getting rid of the purse yet but the question that inevitably comes up is, "What will I do with it once it's time to change it out?"  I mean, this is a gift.  It was given to me to commemorate a special occasion in our lives.  I am really fond of this purse.  Do I stop using it and put it away to collect dust?  Do I leave it somewhere?  Do I sell it?  Do I use it until it falls apart?  Here is the truth of the matter.  I don't know what to do with it.  If it was a purse that I bought, or that didn't matter that much to me, I would give it away.  I can't seem to do this with this old thing at this time.  

Here is what I need to keep in mind.  God is in control and no matter what, God is what I should be spending my time on.  I tend to spend massive amounts of mental energy on things that don't matter.  I mean, maybe things matter but they don't matter more than God.  I have to just figure out what to do with the purse and maybe just use it until I can't use it anymore because it's a reminder to keep going.  It's a reminder that I was loved by someone who is no longer here, on this plain anymore. Maybe just maybe, I will know what to do with it when that time comes.  But this coming year, I need to focus on things that matter more than on things that don't matter. For that, praise the Lord!