Monday, July 12, 2021

Not My Way

 I think that we can be hyper critical of petulant children we come across in our daily lives.  The other day I was at Kohl's on line attempting to buy something.  A small girl about three years old, escaped her parents and ran to the beginning of the line where the candy was and was crying and angry.  She yelled at her flustered parent that she wanted the candy and the toys that were left there when her parents said that she couldn't have them.  I stood there surprised.  In my heart, I thought immediately, "Well, I would have..."  My husband interrupted my thoughts.  He mentioned how the poor girl must be tired and cranky.  Clearly he has more grace than I do.  

There are all these changes afoot.  Some of them are uncomfortable and I feel like they are happening in ways I didn't anticipate.   They are not the way that I wanted.  I am not getting my way.  I feel the petulant child within me start to rail.  As a child, I was pleasing and sweet.  My aunts will tell you that I was not  prone to tantrums.  It is now that I am clearly at mid-life that I want to throw myself down on the floor and yell.  I was to kick my heals and fight to get my way.  Such pride!!!  It is frustrating and I want to sit down and cry.  I'm not crying but I want to and I may have.  

These are hard things to admit.  I have to get another document.  I have to wait a few more days.  I have to fill out applications.  I have to answer calls and review documents and I need to do research and make phone calls.  I need to schedule appointments and pay things.  I need to track things.  I tell my children, don't be in a rush to grow up.  They tell me that they won't.  But it doesn't matter.  Time goes by and continues whether we are ready for it or not.  

What to do?  Pray.  It is a suggestion, a comment, advice, a command.  Just do it.  Just pray.  Prayer gets me out of my own way and into God's way.  He knows what He is doing and I have to trust Him, I should trust Him despite what I feel.  I am reminded of a verse in a card I received recently from my dear friend, Sarah.  Proverbs 3:5-6: Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct your paths."  What a powerful promise!!!  

I know that there are days I will not do the right thing.  I will complain and whine.  I will yell and stomp my feet.  There will be tears.  And after my tantrums, I will drag myself before the throne of God and seek forgiveness, solace, peace, strength and answers.  I'm reading through Proverbs and I am finding that there is a lot of wisdom there.  LOL!!!  I don't know about you but being human can be hard and other humans can be really hard.  When you are tired of dealing with other humans, including yourself, call on God.  He is the one who made us so I think He may understand us best.  Praise the Lord!!!

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