Thursday, May 6, 2021

I Am Not Enough

It has been a hard day.  It is turning out to be a hard week.  I am leaving a job that I have worked at for 10 years.  I am emotional about my leaving.  I don't have anything else planned.  I just know that I have got to leave.  

There is more.  I started a degree and after several years, I may not get to finish it.  I pray that I do but I may not.  I will be a failure.  I want to finish it more than anything but I need more time and I need to not be tired.  Why am I tired?  I'm tired because of my job and my life.  I need to be awake to finish this degree.  I don't know what this block is that stresses me and I am not able to finish.  

It is now that I am getting married and planning a remodel.  I have tried to collaborate all week with my fiancé on filling out paperwork.  I am not really prone to panic but Friends, I'm panicking.  My prayer has been Psalm 16 and now Psalm 46.  I find my immediate answer within the first five verses of Psalm 46: 

God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.  Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging.  There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God, the holy place where the Most High dwells.  God is within her, she will not fall; God will help her at the break of day.  

I realize that the Psalm is talking about the river but it feels like a message to me too.  I have been tired and afraid.  My fear is that I am not enough.  Man, that was hard to write.  I am not enough to keep and raise my children.  I am not enough to finish my degree.  I am not enough to be of any use to anyone.  I am afraid of all of this.  I am not enough and I will fail.  I will fall.  

Could I be a river?  Could I be a river like the river whose streams make glad the city of God?  What would make God happy?  I wonder with a wedding pending and a remodel; I wonder with the end of a job and the looming ending of a degree if I can just find time to pray and love God.  What if I would just let God be within me, will I not fall then?  Will God help me at the break of day?  I hope He does.  Maybe that should be my prayer, "God, be within me."

I am not enough.  I will never be enough but I am not alone.  God is with me and He is enough when I am not.  God makes me whole.  Do you need to be made whole, Friends?  Maybe all you need is God within you too.  That's all.  Praise the Lord!

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