Today, this morning, I found myself with too many words after spending so many days with not enough. I have to wonder what it is about to day that is making me write when I have been so quiet for so long. I have begged for words to help me process the myriad of emotions that I have been dealing with. I find that I am tired today. Words don't just come to me because I ask them to, they come when they need to and I guess I need to write about my life right about now.
I am a passive person. Some of you that know me dearly are thinking, "Definitely not passive, aggressive." I am passive in that I have attempted to be aggressive in the past and it has bit me in the heiney so now, I try to let life happen. There are days that I feel like life is happening at me. I have tried for years to make decisions based on logic. I have looked at the evidence before me and have made rational conclusions. However, in this season of my life, I find that I am reverting parts of myself to act and react with emotion. I am deliberately attempting to choose happiness and I am leaning on God to be content in all of my circumstances. It is much more difficult that you would think.
You see... I want to complain. I want to lay in bed and sleep. I would like nothing more than to visit someone far away and be in a room with a stack of books and my glasses reading all day and drinking tea to break up the day. I would love to bask in the sunlight and gaze out of a window to see vistas and scenes that I currently only dream about. In my daydream, my children are in the next room, never far from me. I can hear them playing. In the evenings we all lay down together watching movies and eating popcorn until we naturally fall asleep.
I'm awake now. I am present where I am. I have been standing as I dream. I can feel my legs holding me up. I look at the vibrant red of my short nails as I type. There is a door a few feet away and the sun holds its promises to me just on the other side of the door. As I check in with myself, there appears to be something that I am not dealing with. There are truths that I am hiding from myself. I feel it. I may be scared. What am I scared of? I ask myself this like an adult would ask a child. I have to remind myself to be gentle. All of the answers to the questions start coming like pigeons with crumbs. Instead of looking at each bird individually, I turn to the loaf of bread that is feeding them. I am scared of pain. I am scared of the pain of disappointment and loss.
These thoughts have already caused me loss of peace. I recognize my heresy. I am not trusting in God for my joy and I know that the joy of the Lord is my strength. Instead, I am scared standing in a barren place. I have been hearing news. A friend has suffered a terrible miscarriage. Another friend spent the weekend with a recovering addict. They are not sure of her sobriety. Someone else may be facing jail time. A former student may be facing homelessness. I am not enough. God is enough. God fills in the parts that are left raw and insufficient. I have forgotten and have wandered off like the proverbial sheep gone astray. If only the world were more literal. I would be able to see the Shepherd coming. I would lay there and know that He is on His way. Instead, I am standing in a barren place scared like the sheep that I am. I am waiting, passively. Some how, peace has found me. There is hope in knowing that my Savior is on His way.