Monday, October 5, 2020

Waiting, Passively

 Today, this morning, I found myself with too many words after spending so many days with not enough.  I have to wonder what it is about to day that is making me write when I have been so quiet for so long.  I have begged for words to help me process the myriad of emotions that I have been dealing with.  I find that I am tired today.   Words don't just come to me because I ask them to, they come when they need to and I guess I need to write about my life right about now.

I am a passive person. Some of you that know me dearly are thinking, "Definitely not passive, aggressive."  I am passive in that I have attempted to be aggressive in the past and it has bit me in the heiney so now, I try to let life happen.  There are days that I feel like life is happening at me.  I have tried for years to make decisions based on logic. I have looked at the evidence before me and have made rational conclusions.  However, in this season of my life, I find that I am reverting parts of myself to act and react with emotion.  I am deliberately attempting to choose happiness and I am leaning on God to be content in all of my circumstances.  It is much more difficult that you would think.  

You see... I want to complain. I want to lay in bed and sleep. I would like nothing more than to visit someone far away and be in a room with a stack of books and my glasses reading all day and drinking tea to break up the day.  I would love to bask in the sunlight and gaze out of a window to see vistas and scenes that I currently only dream about.  In my daydream, my children are in the next room, never far from me.  I can hear them playing.  In the evenings we all lay down together watching movies and eating popcorn until we naturally fall asleep.  

I'm awake now.  I am present where I am.  I have been standing as I dream.  I can feel my legs holding me up.  I look at the vibrant red of my short nails as I type.  There is a door a few feet away and the sun holds its promises to me just on the other side of the door.  As I check in with myself, there appears to be something that I am not dealing with. There are truths that I am hiding from myself.  I feel it. I may be scared.  What am I scared of?  I ask myself this like an adult would ask a child.  I have to remind myself to be gentle.  All of the answers to the questions start coming like pigeons with crumbs.  Instead of looking at each bird individually, I turn to the loaf of bread that is feeding them.  I am scared of pain.  I am scared of the pain of disappointment and loss. 

These thoughts have already caused me loss of peace. I recognize my heresy.  I am not trusting in God for my joy and I know that the joy of the Lord is my strength.   Instead, I am scared standing in a barren place.  I have been hearing news.  A friend has suffered a terrible miscarriage.  Another friend spent the weekend with a recovering addict.  They are not sure of her sobriety.  Someone else may be facing jail time.  A former student may be facing homelessness.  I am not enough.  God is enough.  God fills in the parts that are  left raw and insufficient.  I have forgotten and have wandered off like the proverbial sheep gone astray. If only the world were more literal.  I would be able to see the Shepherd coming.  I would lay there and know that He is on His way.  Instead, I am standing in a barren place scared like the sheep that I am.  I am waiting, passively.  Some how, peace has found me.  There is hope in knowing that my Savior is on His way.

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