I am a believer of signs. I keep on thinking how Jesus said that the only sign to be had would be the sign of Jonah. But there are reminders of what is to come and that God is with us. It feels like I live my life with a foot in reality and a foot in some unseen magic kingdom. Yes, you can think I'm crazy but then I think about Don Quijote who chose to live in his better dreamland than in his reality. My husband would say that I have a touch of the poet. This meant that there is something inside of me that flirts with art, the creative process and madness. I believe I am too firmly rooted in reality to fall prey to insanity but there are days when I stand and feel something more in the place between what I think and what I feel. On these days, I remember the song, "Rainbow Connection." I am not the only one, there are the lovers, the dreamers and me. I am among those. Maybe this is why my fingers itch to write. It is a blessing and a curse.
I stand still. I can feel things changing. It is so obvious that you should be able to feel it too. There is a heaviness to this work that I do. I am changing. I feel that I have lost my luster and it shows. It is not gone. It's just missing. In a moment, I will start to run around and do what needs to be done. But I find myself looking for signs. I find myself listening for the voice of God. I whisper to Him that I am listening.
You should know something else. There is a smell that has been following me. It is a smoky smell. It is almost like toast, this scent that seems to follow me. I understand that I am changing and I am releasing pheromones and different odors from this aging body but it appears to be on me. It's not unpleasant but I am reminded of burning. I think of the imagery of burning in the Bible. God refines gold in the fire. Maybe these hard times are for me a refining. I think about how three men were in the fire but the king saw four. Maybe it means that God is with me. There was a cloud during the day and fire at night when the Israelites were led out of the desert.
The other day I was watching a show that was discussing missing political signs and in return, they mentioned some signs that I have had in the past. I find dimes. This is a bigger story but yesterday, I found two, one after the other. I parked and when I opened the door there was a dime on the floor. I walked to the sidewalk and there was another one. Yes, it is hard not to believe in signs. I want to believe that the message is that God is with me, don't be scared. I think this is true whether there are never any signs so it is a safe bet that it is true. I don't know. All I know is that things are changing and I am waiting and listening for what will be to come.
There are moments that I am fearful of this change. There are moments that I remember that God is in control and that He has a plan.. So, other than listening and watching and waiting... I am praying. I am praying that God stays with me and puts my feet on the wrong path. I pray that I am smart enough to listen. I'm not always that smart. In any case, Praise the Lord.