I haven't been writing as much. I still have all of my thoughts brimming in my head. There have been prayers as I work through some of the psychological, emotional and/or spiritual stuff I have left on the back burner of my psyche. There is this idea that anybody can do any job. Well... this is the subconscious idea that I have left hanging out in my mind. "I can do it." I tell myself. It is hard but with Christ, I can do anything. I have no doubt whatsoever that with Christ I can do anything. The question is should, should I do anything or should I do everything. The verse is not, "With Christ I can do everything." Uh... Not exactly true is it? Or the everything that I do end up doing is not enough because I am attempting to do it all and make it look easy. Reese Witherspoon's epic line as Elle Woods (not Miller) is: "What? Like it's hard?" Keep in mind I'm paraphrasing. How am I showing that I am a hot mess in need of Jesus if I take it on myself to do it all? Am I trying to reflect my good God? Am I using God to boost my own ego? Is that even a thing?
I assume I should know what I should do. I wake up. Get dressed. Drive to work. I teach. I do my other duties. I come home and I'm a mom. I'm a student. I'm not doing any of it superbly. Would it be so wrong if I were one of those people who do a good job at some things but need time to do it? I am not a multi-tasker and I admire people like that. I have been asking myself, "Elle, what are you good at?" It has taken a little bit but one thing I am good at is teaching small groups of people. Another thing I am good at is talking to students (all kinds of students) and getting them to believe that they can pass a course, a semester, a year, a degree. I find that I like talking to people about what really matters. I used to think that I was a detail oriented person. I am but I like to take what I understand about the details to make up a bigger picture. I like to think in theoreticals. I like to learn. See how the language has changed. What I do well to what I like to do? I ask students all of the time what they like to do and they can't answer. I was finding that was not able to answer either. I have changed. Who I was, I am no longer.
I continue to change and I would guess you are changing too. My prayer is to be moldable. My prayer is to be of use. My prayer is to have action as well as patience. There is more change coming. I am trying not to be fearful of the changes. I tend to be fearful but act like I'm not and this is something that I must confront. Just acknowledging this about me opens up the floodgates of self-awareness. Isn't there even a term for it? Reaction formation? Maybe. God is great for my mental health. He takes all that is wrong and makes it right. Praise the Lord.
Oh!!! So do you want an update? I'm praising God. I'm raising my children. I'm working and I'm still in school. If my face or name cross your thoughts, say a little prayer for me. May God's will be done. Praise the Lord.
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