Just Write

 I fear that I am the kind of person who doesn't always finish things. I am very stubborn.  I find that I can be very capable, but I can be inconsistent.  I, like many other humans, tend to overthink things.  I have a value for words, and I believe that there is a power in the ability to communicate and communicate well.  The person who has a silver tongue is a person with a truly valuable skill.

I had to look into the mirror recently and I had to call myself a name I am not sure that I have earned.  I had to call myself... a storyteller.  I am a storyteller teacher.  I have lived stories and I have heard stories.  I believe in the power of stories so to call myself a storyteller is a self-possessed title I am not sure that I am worthy of.  After all the history of the world began with the noble title of storyteller. 

And so... when I have the keyboard and the blank page before me, it is with trepidation that I start typing.  There are days when I wonder when the words will come from and then they appear as if from the sky.  There are words that when I read them back, I wonder if it was me or if I'm just a conduit.  Honestly, sometimes it is when I'm not even trying that I find that it is easier to write.  Either way, I am convincing myself to stop being in my own head and just write.  Am I worthy?  I tell you clearly that I am not but write I must anyway.  It is with thankfulness that I hear the melody that is my fingers hitting the keys.  It is with the most grateful heart that I write that which is written in my head, on my heart.  Maybe being worthy doesn't come into it at all.  Maybe this writing business has more to do with listening to the Creator of all things and being a mirror image of Him by writing.  I am but an instrument.  I then should be the instrument.  I mean, a piano has no problem being a piano.  It stands waiting for the music to pour forth through it.  Likewise, as an instrument, I will wait until the artistry of God pours forth through me in my very human hands.  

So then, not to write would be in this instance, an act of disobedience and a waste of potential which is such a horrendous sin.  Imagine the singer that does not sing because they are shy, and he or she denies the world of its brilliant voice because of his or her self-consciousness.  Is this an act of ego that holds someone back from doing something good and noble?  There is every possibility that this is all in my head and if it is then I am just a mad woman writing about nothing.  Either way, my writing, does no harm.  And so, I will do what I am called to do, and I will continue to just write.  Either way, praise the Lord!

Happy New Year Writing

 I have a thing with resolutions.  Last year, none of my family made any resolutions. I made one and failed at it almost immediately.  I spoke about it in the last post but, to be fair, my foot went down one whole shoe size!!!  Of course I needed more shoes!  How was I going to make it with just a few pairs of shoes?  We went hiking and my hiking boots were way too big.  I bought new ones and then I bought a few more pairs of shoes.  It wasn't my fault that I walked through Dillard's when the Clearance shoes was 70% off.

In any case, I made no resolutions.  I am on a weight loss journey, and I am down 70 pounds in 2 short years.  I think that's good, but the struggle has been real!  I will continue with my journey and I'm excited where it will take me.  Last year I had not been reading and I set aside the last year to read and get more into the trending books.  I fell back in love with words.  I love the sound of the keyboard.  I have been trying to get into some stories, and I have been writing more.  I recently remembered a story that happened in 2002, and I had to write it down.  Who knows if I would even remember in a few years what happened in the story.  I need to write while the memories are fresh, and I am in a disposition to write.  

I'm going to tell you that writing give me hope.  I love the idea of having stories and a part of me that lasts beyond my life on this earth.  I realize that my story is not about me but about Jesus.  However, I also believe that the Lord leads us to what He wants us to do with this wonderful life that he has given us.  For this reason, I'm blogging again.  I know that blogging is not the way to go.  I blog for myself.  I blog because I am called to write.  So here I am following the storytelling road and praying that the Lord helps me to write the stories He wants people to hear.  With this in mind, I tell you all, Praise the Lord!!!

The Old Things

 It's the brand-new year and OF COURSE, I'm being reflective about it.  It's so strange the things we end up thinking about. I found myself thinking about the new things that I wanted to surround myself.  Thinking about new habits, new things, new customs.   You know what they say, "Out with the old, in with the new."  As I think about the ecological issues this world is facing with garbage and recycling (this is a post all on its own), I wonder about the actions that I can do both small and big.

My most recent thoughts are not that deep.  I have been using a purse that my late husband bought me a while ago.  Now, if you know me, you know that I have a problem with purses and shoes, but I have been getting better.  This past year, I have only bought like 5 pairs of shoes and for the most part, I had to buy shoes because my foot went down one whole size (I'm so happy about this!).  When I took this particular purse out of the closet, I told myself that I need to use things.  The fact of the matter is that I want to use the things that I own.  I don't want to leave them all in the closet gathering dust.  I think that Santi would want me to use this purse.  Now, I'm looking at this beautiful purse with its leather finishes and its vibrant colors and I see that I have been putting wear and tear on this purse.  I'm not planning on getting rid of the purse yet but the question that inevitably comes up is, "What will I do with it once it's time to change it out?"  I mean, this is a gift.  It was given to me to commemorate a special occasion in our lives.  I am really fond of this purse.  Do I stop using it and put it away to collect dust?  Do I leave it somewhere?  Do I sell it?  Do I use it until it falls apart?  Here is the truth of the matter.  I don't know what to do with it.  If it was a purse that I bought, or that didn't matter that much to me, I would give it away.  I can't seem to do this with this old thing at this time.  

Here is what I need to keep in mind.  God is in control and no matter what, God is what I should be spending my time on.  I tend to spend massive amounts of mental energy on things that don't matter.  I mean, maybe things matter but they don't matter more than God.  I have to just figure out what to do with the purse and maybe just use it until I can't use it anymore because it's a reminder to keep going.  It's a reminder that I was loved by someone who is no longer here, on this plain anymore. Maybe just maybe, I will know what to do with it when that time comes.  But this coming year, I need to focus on things that matter more than on things that don't matter. For that, praise the Lord! 

The Proudest Day

 Honestly, I had thought I had given up on writing this blog.  I have to ask myself if it is even worth writing anymore.  Who am I writing for even?  I remember why I started writing.  I had too many words after my late husband died.  It is easier to write when you are busy processing all of the emotions.  I'm still processing some of it, but it is not like before.  I was writing all of the time.  Now I find that I am writing sporadically.  

Well... today I have something to write about!  Not too long ago, my children, both my daughter and my son, decided to take classes in pursuit of membership at the church.  This is a really adult move on their part.  The last step is their membership PENDING BAPTISM.  I was told this past week that they would be baptized this week.  I don't know what I was thinking but they did great.  They told their testimonies.  They were funny and loving.  Their personalities shown through.  I am so thankful to God for today.  My daughter talked about all of the hard things that she went through.  It turns out that the hard things that she went through led her to God.  My son was gracious.  He kept his testimony short and sweet.  As they went through the process of baptism, I cried.  I stood next to my husband and I think we both just stood there and cried.  

I have prayed for my children to follow God's path and to never depart from it.  Isn't this every parent's prayer?  Even now, I'm praying.  I don't think that I will ever stop praying for my children.  I want them to see them on the other side.  This is the prayer.  That is the dream.  I want to believe that this is the first rung of a long life of following Jesus.  They can do whatever they want, as long as they stay on God's path.  Let them take the narrow road.  Today is sort of like a dream come true.  I am thankful to God and I will continue to pray for their relationship with Jesus.  

As always and especially today, praise the Lord!!!

The Davids in My Life

 I am not one to believe in coincidences.  Yes, I do think that circumstances arise that are more accidental in nature but... not really.  Lately, I have been surrounded by Davids.  They arise out of nowhere.  It just so happens that I tend to pay a lot of attention to Davids because I am the mother of a David.

The plan was not to name my son, David.  I had plans to name him something quirky.  I liked the idea of bringing back a name that had fallen out of fashion.  However, I also thought that my first-born son should have a Biblical name.  We went through, Caleb, Joshua and Christian.  But as a first-year teacher pregnant with her first child, I had a whole host of names NOT to pick from.  Many names were vetoed simply because another child had the name; possibly a child in my class; possibly a child who was challenging.  I'll leave it at that. 

We had settled on Harry James.  I felt that Harry was an old classic throwback type of name.  I thought of Harry Winston.  I imagined him with curly hair and round eyes looking like his dad.  Harry Potter came out and all the plans of naming my baby, Harry went out the window.  Instead, we contemplated other names until we were tired.  I had been listening to Fred Hammond at the time and Fred had done a song similar to the old Spanish corito we used to sing in church about David.  I had thought about incorporating my father somehow as Papi is a beloved figure in my heart.  But Papi's name is kind of big for a baby.  His name was Virgilio, and his nickname was Rafael.  I somehow couldn't fit it in with David.  Dad's favorite movie was "Lorenzo's Oil" and he was enamored of the name.  When my best friend, Joanne had her son and we would watch him, Papi would often call him Lorenzo and I thought that I would use this name somehow to honor my father.  

So, I gave birth to a David.  David was a good strong name.  It means beloved.  I had an aunt who was married to a David.  I went to school with a few David's.  I had a dear friend who is named David Mercado (Love you, Brother).  I look at my son who is almost a man and I think that he looks like a David and no other name would do.  

Lately, I have had Davids coming out of the woodworks.  I prayed for a David last night.  I prayed that this David would receive salvation in the four days he has left of life.  I prayed recently for a dear co-worker who was ill named David.  But I have noticed that the name David appears to be in the wind.  

Coincidence?  Probably not, I am praying for my dear son as he gets ready to turn 18.  It seems impossible to me.  I thought he would look more like his father but instead he looks more like my father.  I pray for his future and for all the things that I didn't teach him and all of the things he just never learned.  I pray for his future wife and his studies.  I pray that someone would love him well and see all the wonderful things that I see in him and more.  He is easier on me than his sister when it comes to aspects of my parenting.  I am so thankful for his grace.  

When you have a chance, pray for the Davids in your life and if you have an extra second, pray for my David and the life he has before him.  May he follow the path of God.  May he know happiness and love.  May the road go well for him and my he attain salvation so that in the hereafter, I may see him again.  Tears spilling down my cheeks as I pray this utterly mother's prayer and I ask with the same mom's heart to bring him up to the throne of God unabashedly.  This is all.  Praise the Lord!

Grace That is More Than Enough

  II Corinthians 12:7-10

"So to keep me from becoming conceited because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from becoming conceited.  Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me.  But He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.  For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities.  For when I am weak, then I am strong."

I have been marinating on this Bible passage.  I am having a difficult season.  I could understand going through a hard season to keep me from becoming conceited.  Ego is a huge thing.  It can take over your life and lead you away from your true purpose.  I have seen this more than a few times.  We begin to think that we can do everything on our own.  Humans were made to live in community with each other and with God.  Who are we when we think that we can do everything ourselves with no help?  I mean, isn't this what happened with Adam and Eve in the Garden. They thought they could do it all themselves with no help from the Creator of the Universe.  Who am I?  I can't do everything.  Am I more valuable than anybody else?  Are you?  Honestly, as I think of it, there is every possibility that I am not that special.  

In the same vein, I think about the people that I work with.  I am a teacher.  I wonder every day if anything that I teach will make a difference in this world.  I wonder about the students left in my care.  You may not know this but teaching is rough!  I'm working with pre-teens.  I have friends of mine that dare not tread the path I choose to teach.  Yet... I think about grace.  Grace is a gift that we as humans find hard to give and yet God gives grace freely and he is telling me that it is enough to last me my hardships.  It is enough to last me my hard year.  I can bear with being week and having issues and bad situations because God's grace is enough for me.  If it is enough for me, then it can be enough for you too.  

I'll add another note to illustrate my point.  I turned on the television today and I saw that "A Knight's Tale" was being offered and I recalled the last time I watched this movie.  It was Sunday March 4th, 2018, the day before my son's 12th birthday and two days before my husband and partner of 24 years passed away.  This was the last movie I saw with him and just remembering this one thing brought the grief back.  Pain so sharp that it instantly brings tears to my eyes.  As I sit here now I can fast forward to where I am now.  I don't have to relive that pain.  God has shed His grace on me.  It's true, I can withstand a hard year because God is with me and He has helped and me and He will continue to help me.  He will not forsake me nor abandon me.  This is enough.  God is enough.  Praise the Lord!

Where Have I Been?

 This is the question that I am asking myself.  I have been... transitioning.  I have been transitioning to another life and now I find that I think I need to develop another dream because the dreams that I have had in the past have not served me well.  Let me recount them: 

When I was younger, I thought that I would be rockstar.  There didn't seem to be any doubt in my mind that I would be an entertainer.  I would take those personality quizzes only to find that I would be an excellent teacher.  I ran from teaching with every fiber in my being.  I entertained teaching for a brief time in high school when I thought I would revolutionize the world ala "Dangerous Mind." Alas, I nodded off the idea.  It would come back to me later.

I thought I wanted to be a child psychologist when I was in elementary school.  I thought it would be great to work with children in therapy.  I don't know when this dream left me, but I get to diagnose children, in a way.  

When I went to college, I flirted with the idea of being a teacher again, but I shook my head, and I ran away from teaching.  I felt that God really had to hold me down and leave me with no other resort in order to be an educator.  This year is my 18th year teaching.  This is my second year working in the particular setting I am working with.  If I'm honest with myself, I will tell you that I am tired.  Teaching, this noble profession, wears on the soul.  I find that I am tired of convincing younger students to invest in their own education for their own good.  My motto is, "So that it will go well with you."  Pay attention.  Listen to the lesson.  Do your work.  Be respectful.  Follow instructions.  So. That. It. Will. Go. Well. For. You.  They want what they want regardless of what I tell them.  I don't know how to reach them this year.  I'm praying.  Teaching has become harder somehow.  

And so, I'm marinating in what this harder season is leading me to.  I find that I pray more.  This is always a good thing.  This summer I struggled finding the voice of the Shepherd.  I am reading the Bible more.  I need to find my center at all times.  I need to remember what is important in this short life. 

I feel like I'm coasting and as I'm coasting, I feel the need once again to write.  After all, writing is what makes me happiest.  Maybe that is what can be next.  Maybe I will write the next great American novel.  I'm not sure that I have that kind of story in me.  A student of mine asked me how many stories I had inside of me.  I didn't know what to answer him.  He mentioned that I would do well to write them all down.  Maybe I will... Maybe there is yet more work for me to do.  Let's see what is next.