I have trouble making and maintaining adult relationships. I think this is part of the reason why I feel it is easier to talk to everyone instead of just some people. This just goes to show the lengths I will go to to avoid meaningful connections. There are a myriad of reasons why I have trouble doing this but at least one reason is attributed to imposition.
I have relationships where I just spend time sending memes for hours and this is how we communicate. I acknowledge well that I love my friend and I agree that sentiment can be easily and cleverly displayed through a meme. I have one relationship, a very close friendship that is conducted via "Words With Friends." A play on the other person's behalf tells me that he is alive and doing well. There are times when I would like to tell someone, "What are you doing? What are you doing right now? Forget all that and come to my house and let's watch 'Monk.'" I would like to invite someone to take me out (because I am always driving) to Outback for some gluten-free ribs and gluten free lava cake.
I admit I have the weirdest notions. I think it may be the Arizonian dynamic that is so distinct from living in a Metropolis like New York but I don't think it is dissimilar. I didn't want to impose on anyone in New York either. I think this idea comes from not having siblings. My husband had no qualms imposing on his brother when we lived in New York. I was envious of their tenuous bond. I remember when I asked how we would get home one holiday. It was late and cold and it would take us forever to get home. He told me, "My brother will take us home." I was so confused. Had he talked to him? No. Was this part of a plan? No. How could he be so sure? You know what he told me? "Because he's my brother." Sure enough, his brother took us all the way home and I was grateful.
I sit at home and I draft texts into the void. Am I bothering someone? Underneath this notion of imposing is the outsiders view of love. I tread lightly and am fearful because I don't belong and to belong to a group or to belong I must be pleasing. I am sad at my own frail human-ness. I am thankful to belong to God. I believe sincerely that He welcomes my impositions, each and every time I call to him. Every prayer, a text to be savored by my Savior.
So... I'm a bother? Okay. Always let me know when I'm being "too much." I will turn my attention to the One Who love me first and I will impose on Him, God.
Wednesday, September 11, 2019
Tuesday, September 10, 2019
Remembering
I wasn't working the day that it happened. I had been jobless since January to allow me to concentrate on planning a wedding all by myself. We both loved the Fall. Our colors were purple and celadon, picture a red grape and a light green grapes. We planned it on the same day my mother was taken from this earth. It felt... right, like either way you think of the day, it was a day of love.
I didn't want a wedding. My father had died the February of 1999 and he proposed in December of 99. Planning a wedding without my mother or my father was too hard for me. I imagined going to Las Vegas and getting married in a little chapel then hitting up Walt Disney World for a honeymoon extraordinaire.
Santi wanted a wedding. He wanted the reception and the whole nine. I had taken almost 3 years to plan this wedding. It was so close to the date of the wedding when it happened. Santi had taken the day off because I was having trouble finding just the right centerpiece. I had bought floating candles and I had trouble finding the right bowls as the centerpiece. I remember getting up that morning late. There was a strange feeling in the air. We took the bus to the IHOP by White Plains Road, but it was closed. I can't remember the store across the street. Caldor's? K-Mart? Walmart? I have no idea. It was all closed.
We went to Bay Plaza and the supermarket was closed. We had taken a bus. On the bus there were people that looked shell shocked. There were people who had dust on them and there were hushed conversations. We didn't put it together. It was only until we got to Bay Plaza and asked one of the Jamaican gypsy taxi drivers that we realized that the Towers had fallen. We didn't wait. We got into one of the taxis and went home.
I sat in front of the television then and watched, over and over again as I watched the tragedy unfold. I stayed planted in front of the television as a type of penance for being stupid and self-centered. I waited by the phone and waited for updates. WTC was around Pace University and where I had worked. It was my stomping grounds. I'm still not in a position to talk about who I have lost and what was lost. There is a struggle in describing getting my marriage certificate at the court in lower Manhattan and being in the city for the first time after the tragedy. I cried as I got out of the subway. My bridal shower was not well attended. My bachelorette party was very well attended. There was a pall over the wedding that dealt with love in the midst of tragedy.
They asked me about that day, the students at my school. When I look at their birthdays they were all born after that day. I remember sitting my children down and explaining to them the importance of 9/11. I explained that we are New Yorkers and as such, we need to remember. I cried when I told them. I have only been able to talk about it once in the years that I have worked at the school. Even now, talking about it with my friend and co-worker, I teared up today. So... I remember.
I didn't want a wedding. My father had died the February of 1999 and he proposed in December of 99. Planning a wedding without my mother or my father was too hard for me. I imagined going to Las Vegas and getting married in a little chapel then hitting up Walt Disney World for a honeymoon extraordinaire.
Santi wanted a wedding. He wanted the reception and the whole nine. I had taken almost 3 years to plan this wedding. It was so close to the date of the wedding when it happened. Santi had taken the day off because I was having trouble finding just the right centerpiece. I had bought floating candles and I had trouble finding the right bowls as the centerpiece. I remember getting up that morning late. There was a strange feeling in the air. We took the bus to the IHOP by White Plains Road, but it was closed. I can't remember the store across the street. Caldor's? K-Mart? Walmart? I have no idea. It was all closed.
We went to Bay Plaza and the supermarket was closed. We had taken a bus. On the bus there were people that looked shell shocked. There were people who had dust on them and there were hushed conversations. We didn't put it together. It was only until we got to Bay Plaza and asked one of the Jamaican gypsy taxi drivers that we realized that the Towers had fallen. We didn't wait. We got into one of the taxis and went home.
I sat in front of the television then and watched, over and over again as I watched the tragedy unfold. I stayed planted in front of the television as a type of penance for being stupid and self-centered. I waited by the phone and waited for updates. WTC was around Pace University and where I had worked. It was my stomping grounds. I'm still not in a position to talk about who I have lost and what was lost. There is a struggle in describing getting my marriage certificate at the court in lower Manhattan and being in the city for the first time after the tragedy. I cried as I got out of the subway. My bridal shower was not well attended. My bachelorette party was very well attended. There was a pall over the wedding that dealt with love in the midst of tragedy.
They asked me about that day, the students at my school. When I look at their birthdays they were all born after that day. I remember sitting my children down and explaining to them the importance of 9/11. I explained that we are New Yorkers and as such, we need to remember. I cried when I told them. I have only been able to talk about it once in the years that I have worked at the school. Even now, talking about it with my friend and co-worker, I teared up today. So... I remember.
Saturday, September 7, 2019
The Funny
I like funny. I like funny shows. I like funny stories. You have to understand something about funny. It requires intelligence. As my daughter and I finish Monk, I have to consider the shows that I have liked and why I have liked them. My favorite shows are funny shows. Ironically clever shows that deal with tough topics. Among my favorites are: Suburgatory, Dead Like Me, Pushing Daisies, Friends, Seinfeld, Super Store... I can go on. But I don't like comedies. They are too formulaic. Unless they are Snatch type funny. I love the movie, Snatch.
I find that like funny men too. In fact, reflecting on my limited dating experience, I found in common that I liked funny, intelligent men. None of them were what I wanted. None of them clicked exactly. It was like wearing your shoes on the wrong foot. As a child, you don't seem to mind. As an adult, it is unbearable. And I'm very picky about my shoes. No cheap shoes will do for me either. I want the good stuff or nothing at all.
I saw a quote today. It goes like this:
"Everything you do right now ripples outward and affects everyone. Your posture can shine your heart or transmit anxiety. Your breath can radiate love or muddy the room in depression. Your glance can awaken joy. Your words can inspire freedom. Your every act can open hearts and minds." David Deida
I don't want to just radiate fully and completely the joy of the Lord, despite my circumstances. I want to be funny and intelligent. It's like going the extra mile. I can do the extra mile, can't I? That's all.
I find that like funny men too. In fact, reflecting on my limited dating experience, I found in common that I liked funny, intelligent men. None of them were what I wanted. None of them clicked exactly. It was like wearing your shoes on the wrong foot. As a child, you don't seem to mind. As an adult, it is unbearable. And I'm very picky about my shoes. No cheap shoes will do for me either. I want the good stuff or nothing at all.
I saw a quote today. It goes like this:
"Everything you do right now ripples outward and affects everyone. Your posture can shine your heart or transmit anxiety. Your breath can radiate love or muddy the room in depression. Your glance can awaken joy. Your words can inspire freedom. Your every act can open hearts and minds." David Deida
I don't want to just radiate fully and completely the joy of the Lord, despite my circumstances. I want to be funny and intelligent. It's like going the extra mile. I can do the extra mile, can't I? That's all.
Thursday, September 5, 2019
I Am The Dream
There are days when I am at work and I am in thought. I look around. There is no one around who would have predicted that at my age, I would be working in a high school and living in Phoenix, Arizona. It is like I am waking up from a dream. How did this happen? There are some days when I am happy to ask this. There are some days that I am not so happy to have asked this.
I carry with me my history. Today someone said, "There she goes, the Puerto Rican Powerhouse." In New York, such a statement would not matter. Here it does. There are not a lot of us around. I consider this a compliment as there is another Puerto Rican from the Bronx that I work with. I am thankful to work with him. He reminds me of home. We have people in common. However, when they talk about me, it is clear that I am the one that they are referring to.
Is this my legacy? I sit as students around me are considering Nazi Germany in the novel, Night by Elie Wiesel. There is laughter as the teacher reads how the author describes his time in the concentration camps. I would like to yell. I would like to tell them to learn from others, learn from history. We don't know what will happen in the future. This reality may some day be our reality. I want to tell them to learn as they represent within them the possibilities of their ancestors.
This thought made me remember Maya Angelou's "Still I Rise." There is a line that states, "I am the dream and the hope of the slave." I know what she meant when she wrote that. There is every possibility that this refers to me as well. Aren't all of us slaves? I think a more apt way of thinking about this line is that our generation, and our future generation has the responsibility of contributing or taking from this world we live in. I am the dream and the hope of those who have come before me. At some point, there was an ancestor that had the hope that one of her daughters would be educated. This is me. There is someone in my lineage dreamed that a descendant would be useful. This is me. There is someone that came before me that would have hoped that a daughter would be a light in the dark places and would raise children who could be lights in dark places. I pray that this would still be me.
My hope is in God. When I finish fighting in this war, I pray that I will go home to be with God. I want to believe that my ancestors prayed when they were tempted to think of their future generations. I want to believe that they prayed for me. Psalm 37:25-26 states, "I have been young, and now am old; yet I have not see the righteous forsaken, nor his descendants begging bread. He is ever merciful and lends; and his descendants are blessed." I will pray as someone who came before me prayed for the salvation of my offspring and those who come after me. When I am tempted to be ungrateful, I think of my parents, foreigners from different lands who came or who was brought to this country for more. They are gone but I and my children remain of them and I am (present) their dream and their hope. I pray that I can make them proud.
I carry with me my history. Today someone said, "There she goes, the Puerto Rican Powerhouse." In New York, such a statement would not matter. Here it does. There are not a lot of us around. I consider this a compliment as there is another Puerto Rican from the Bronx that I work with. I am thankful to work with him. He reminds me of home. We have people in common. However, when they talk about me, it is clear that I am the one that they are referring to.
Is this my legacy? I sit as students around me are considering Nazi Germany in the novel, Night by Elie Wiesel. There is laughter as the teacher reads how the author describes his time in the concentration camps. I would like to yell. I would like to tell them to learn from others, learn from history. We don't know what will happen in the future. This reality may some day be our reality. I want to tell them to learn as they represent within them the possibilities of their ancestors.
This thought made me remember Maya Angelou's "Still I Rise." There is a line that states, "I am the dream and the hope of the slave." I know what she meant when she wrote that. There is every possibility that this refers to me as well. Aren't all of us slaves? I think a more apt way of thinking about this line is that our generation, and our future generation has the responsibility of contributing or taking from this world we live in. I am the dream and the hope of those who have come before me. At some point, there was an ancestor that had the hope that one of her daughters would be educated. This is me. There is someone in my lineage dreamed that a descendant would be useful. This is me. There is someone that came before me that would have hoped that a daughter would be a light in the dark places and would raise children who could be lights in dark places. I pray that this would still be me.
My hope is in God. When I finish fighting in this war, I pray that I will go home to be with God. I want to believe that my ancestors prayed when they were tempted to think of their future generations. I want to believe that they prayed for me. Psalm 37:25-26 states, "I have been young, and now am old; yet I have not see the righteous forsaken, nor his descendants begging bread. He is ever merciful and lends; and his descendants are blessed." I will pray as someone who came before me prayed for the salvation of my offspring and those who come after me. When I am tempted to be ungrateful, I think of my parents, foreigners from different lands who came or who was brought to this country for more. They are gone but I and my children remain of them and I am (present) their dream and their hope. I pray that I can make them proud.
Tuesday, September 3, 2019
Holding On
My daughter and I are watching through Monk. I have decided that I like the show but Monk, his character, drives me nuts. Right now, he is arguing to keep the parking garage where his wife died 10 years ago. He has trouble letting go of things. He is adamant about keeping this parking garage because it is the last thing that his wife saw before she died. He would rather keep this parking garage instead of building a playground because he can not let go.
There is this movie called, "Exit Through the Gift Shop" about the artist, Banksy and how he befriends this French shopkeeper, Thierry Guetta. Thierry has some issues and they talk about it on the film where his mother died when he was young and since then, he has been taking pictures. It's almost as if he is afraid of forgetting moments because life is fleeting. I understand this need to hold on.
My father had trouble after my mother died. He felt the need to hold on to things long after he should have let go. He held on to her clothes and the things she would keep in her junk drawers. He found it hard to let go of her things. My husband lost his mother the same year that I lost my mother and he had a similar issue. He would definitely hold on to things. He was a collector. I find myself holding on to things as well. Not all of the time but enough. I have a drawing of Sonic that David drew when he was like 7 years old on my refrigerator. It brings me to a simpler time.
Matthew 24:35
"Heaven and earth will pass away, but my words will never pass away." Everything will disappear. All the junk that we collect will pass away and should pass away but here is the hope that we have. The hope that we have is that God and His eternal words can be trusted to be relied on. And here is the thing, we don't have to hold on. We could get rid of everything and it will be okay. We can rely on God to sustain us. Praise the Lord!!!
There is this movie called, "Exit Through the Gift Shop" about the artist, Banksy and how he befriends this French shopkeeper, Thierry Guetta. Thierry has some issues and they talk about it on the film where his mother died when he was young and since then, he has been taking pictures. It's almost as if he is afraid of forgetting moments because life is fleeting. I understand this need to hold on.
My father had trouble after my mother died. He felt the need to hold on to things long after he should have let go. He held on to her clothes and the things she would keep in her junk drawers. He found it hard to let go of her things. My husband lost his mother the same year that I lost my mother and he had a similar issue. He would definitely hold on to things. He was a collector. I find myself holding on to things as well. Not all of the time but enough. I have a drawing of Sonic that David drew when he was like 7 years old on my refrigerator. It brings me to a simpler time.
Matthew 24:35
"Heaven and earth will pass away, but my words will never pass away." Everything will disappear. All the junk that we collect will pass away and should pass away but here is the hope that we have. The hope that we have is that God and His eternal words can be trusted to be relied on. And here is the thing, we don't have to hold on. We could get rid of everything and it will be okay. We can rely on God to sustain us. Praise the Lord!!!
Monday, September 2, 2019
Meal Prepping Momma
I have to keep this post short because I'm in the middle of meal prepping. Yes, I've said it. I am meal prepping. I have a new role in my job and I am in the classroom more than the office. I used to be able to run out and get a bite to eat. I am finding that this is not the case now. I have a limited time to eat. If I don't bring my lunch, I don't get to eat.
The first week, I don't know what I was thinking. Last year, I started bringing leftovers when I had them but I found that I wasn't exactly prepping my meals. When my husband was alive, he would make me lunch but it was more a collection of snacks, not really a lunch. Awww, just thinking about it makes me wistful. He would put almonds with a hunk of cheese. He's use anything as a lunch container. He would throw in a yogurt and those little crab apples. Sometimes he would throw in an orange and a Kind bar. It wasn't really a true lunch. It's our thing now, mine and the children's, to buy meat and make it over the weekend to add to salad, pasta or rice. It's easy to pair some breasts with a vegetable steamer.
I have been pairing my ground beef, steak or chicken with pasta or rice mainly. Such a carby lunch!!! And when I say pasta, please understand that I mean gluten free pasta, not necessarily healthy pasta. This week, I'm attempting to pair my meat with organic spinach and veggies. I'm scared that I'll still be starving by the end of the day so I will be bringing some fruit and nuts to nosh on in case it is not enough food. Cause if I'm still hungry, I will end up eating Doritos from the Dollar Tree by the end of the day.
It's not about dieting for me. It's about eating healthier and making the most of our time. I am going to the gym with my son to spend some time with him. We have a shared interest. So... there you have it. Let me know if you have any ideas. I'm willing to try things. That's all for now. Happy Labor Day and enjoy your week.
The first week, I don't know what I was thinking. Last year, I started bringing leftovers when I had them but I found that I wasn't exactly prepping my meals. When my husband was alive, he would make me lunch but it was more a collection of snacks, not really a lunch. Awww, just thinking about it makes me wistful. He would put almonds with a hunk of cheese. He's use anything as a lunch container. He would throw in a yogurt and those little crab apples. Sometimes he would throw in an orange and a Kind bar. It wasn't really a true lunch. It's our thing now, mine and the children's, to buy meat and make it over the weekend to add to salad, pasta or rice. It's easy to pair some breasts with a vegetable steamer.
I have been pairing my ground beef, steak or chicken with pasta or rice mainly. Such a carby lunch!!! And when I say pasta, please understand that I mean gluten free pasta, not necessarily healthy pasta. This week, I'm attempting to pair my meat with organic spinach and veggies. I'm scared that I'll still be starving by the end of the day so I will be bringing some fruit and nuts to nosh on in case it is not enough food. Cause if I'm still hungry, I will end up eating Doritos from the Dollar Tree by the end of the day.
It's not about dieting for me. It's about eating healthier and making the most of our time. I am going to the gym with my son to spend some time with him. We have a shared interest. So... there you have it. Let me know if you have any ideas. I'm willing to try things. That's all for now. Happy Labor Day and enjoy your week.
Sunday, September 1, 2019
Make-Up
If you have not noticed, I enjoy make up. I have a relationship with cosmetics. I remember the first cosmetics that I bought for myself. I had loved this red lipstick that my mother owned. It had a certain smell and it was in a metal lipstick case. My mother loved fancy red lipstick. My mother didn't own a lot of make up; not the way I have in my bathroom or in the little make up kits that I have in my room. It was in 8th grade and for the first time ever, we were allowed to wear make up. I had been experimenting with make up but didn't own any. I had an idea of what would work for me. I remember going to Woolworth's. There was one that was not far from Bay Plaza in the Bronx. I bought a navy/purple eyeliner and a jumbo shimmer light blue eye shadow pencil with a sharpener. I know I bought a lipstick. I remember the morning of graduation pictures, the pencil was harder than I was used to and I struggled to put on the eyeliner and the eye shadow went everywhere. I bought that particular shade of eye shadow to match my light blue graduation gown. My father looked at me as I was leaving and in his broken, accented English he said, "My Beauty." Just thinking back on this memory brings a warm feeling to my heart and a tear to my eye.
Back then, there was this Chinese store. They sold the rubber bracelets that we would buy and wear in different colors like Madonna. They sold electric blue soft kohl eye pencils for a dollar. They would sell cheap lipstick in differing colors that I would buy whenever I got a dollar in my hand. I would wear the eyeliner on my water line as was the fashion. My friend, Diana, she had a fancy eye shadow palette. We would layer on different colors like fuchsia, royal blue and purple. When I went to her house, we would experiment with eye shadows and with eyeliner. We didn't even need to put on concealer or foundation.
I went through a non-make up period in Junior and Senior year of high school. I liked to wear a red cheek gel and this gold glitter lipstick that smelled and tasted like candy. I laid off of the make up because of Walter De La Vega. He made a comment about how I didn't need make up and so I took a break. My first fancy lipstick was L'Oreal. I don't know if you ever bought a L'Oreal lipstick but its just so fancy. It has a smell that reminds me of my mother.
Make up is such a part of my life. I would involve my husband and my father in my love of cosmetics. I know that my father could care less about make up yet he would come with me to Bergdorf Goodman to buy my setting powder from Guerlain. My husband never minded coming with me to Sephora and Ulta to buy my cosmetics. Anything shimmery, metallic or glittery was what I liked. Now I go to the stores with my little girl. My son can't be coerced to come with me no matter what I do. I'm afraid that Janet will be just like me. She is known to take the lip stuff that I no longer want. She has her own style that isn't quite like mine.
I'm not a fan of foundation. I'm experimenting with serums and primers. My routine includes Maybelline's concealer, a gold highlighter and blush. On a daily basis, I will put on eye shadow, mascara and lipstick or lip gloss but I like to keep it to a minimum. Concealer and mascara is Maybelline. I like fancy brands but I don't need to buy fancy brands. I buy what I like and I limit my trips to the expensive stores. However, cosmetics will always have a part in my life.
Back then, there was this Chinese store. They sold the rubber bracelets that we would buy and wear in different colors like Madonna. They sold electric blue soft kohl eye pencils for a dollar. They would sell cheap lipstick in differing colors that I would buy whenever I got a dollar in my hand. I would wear the eyeliner on my water line as was the fashion. My friend, Diana, she had a fancy eye shadow palette. We would layer on different colors like fuchsia, royal blue and purple. When I went to her house, we would experiment with eye shadows and with eyeliner. We didn't even need to put on concealer or foundation.
I went through a non-make up period in Junior and Senior year of high school. I liked to wear a red cheek gel and this gold glitter lipstick that smelled and tasted like candy. I laid off of the make up because of Walter De La Vega. He made a comment about how I didn't need make up and so I took a break. My first fancy lipstick was L'Oreal. I don't know if you ever bought a L'Oreal lipstick but its just so fancy. It has a smell that reminds me of my mother.
Make up is such a part of my life. I would involve my husband and my father in my love of cosmetics. I know that my father could care less about make up yet he would come with me to Bergdorf Goodman to buy my setting powder from Guerlain. My husband never minded coming with me to Sephora and Ulta to buy my cosmetics. Anything shimmery, metallic or glittery was what I liked. Now I go to the stores with my little girl. My son can't be coerced to come with me no matter what I do. I'm afraid that Janet will be just like me. She is known to take the lip stuff that I no longer want. She has her own style that isn't quite like mine.
I'm not a fan of foundation. I'm experimenting with serums and primers. My routine includes Maybelline's concealer, a gold highlighter and blush. On a daily basis, I will put on eye shadow, mascara and lipstick or lip gloss but I like to keep it to a minimum. Concealer and mascara is Maybelline. I like fancy brands but I don't need to buy fancy brands. I buy what I like and I limit my trips to the expensive stores. However, cosmetics will always have a part in my life.
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