Sunday, April 17, 2022

Trial and Error and Error

Today is Easter Sunday.  I want to be transparent with you so I will tell you that I am very well and very tired. Let me clarify, I am in the middle of a transition.  As a result of being in this change, I am tired.  And I don't really know all of the particulars of how things will land. I am traversing a line and I have been trying things out and at this point in time, I can say looking back that I have made some mistakes.  I have learned some stuff but this era in my life is all about trial and error... and some more error.  There may be even be more error up ahead.  

Let me start with my attempt at healing my broken heart by trying out getting a dog.  I live in a beautiful townhouse.  The dog, as a puppy (we had named him Midas), was huge.  It took well over a week to discover that nobody would be happy should he stay with us.  And again my heart was broken again.  I didn't realize what a dog person I was and even thinking about my dear dog makes my heart ache.  I tried it but it didn't work.

This whole year was sort of an experiment.  I left a job that I had worked at for 10 years in one school and 2 years in another school.  Again, to be frank, I'm discouraged at the state of education in the United States.  There are clearly not enough teachers.  I took a contractual position working for an agency for this year until I figured things out.  The job called for more than the 3 special education teachers that were there.  As a result, there was more work to do amongst less people.  I don't know if you know this, but teaching is tiring.  Some of you think that leaving the house is tiring.  Some other of you think that giving a presentation is tiring.  Imagine being "on" for at least 6 hours of a day.  Your audience are people who don't really want to be there sometimes.  Is it fun?  Sometimes it is fun.  Sometimes it is heart breaking and it is always very exhausting.  I hear the argument that teachers only work 180-190 days a year.  But when you think of all of the work that is put in and all of the money, your own money, that is invested into our students and our classrooms, well, the work and the money don't match up and teachers are leaving in droves.  I don't blame them.  If God didn't have me where I was I wonder if I would be one to leave too.  But I love the babies.  This appears to be another crossroad that I am at.  It's a big one.  What would I do if I wasn't an educator?  I don't have the credentials to be what I want.  I may be closer but I may not reach the lofty goal that I was trying for.  All of this adds further the exhaustion that I am feeling.  I am not enough.

I catch myself singing "There must be more to this provencial life..." from Beauty and the Beast.  This is never a good sign.  How do I get the rest I need and the work I need all at the same time?  I think of my beautiful family.  I don't feel like I am enough for them.  I try things and when they don't work out, it leaves me with feelings of failure.

I am not a failure.  

So, I need to pray.  I need to go to God and bring all of these bags I have accumulated to Him so that He could take care of it.  I want to believe that this time in my life is part of the plan.  And I am not to worry.  Matthew 6:25-34 calls me not to worry about tomorrow and that tomorrow will bring its own problems.  Already I am feeling some peace.  And you should know that I am usually at peace with joy because I have Jesus in my life, especially today on the day we commemorate His ressurection.  I write these thoughts because I know for a fact that I am not the only one to worry about things.  I know that some people don't know what to do with their lives, with their loves, with their problems, with their worries and I am offering to you a solution.  Here it is: I try things and there is error but one thing I can trust in totally that has no error whatsoever is Jesus.  I recommend trying Him for yourself and seeing that He is good.  That's all for now.  Praise God!!!

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