Monday, May 2, 2022

Thoughts on Not Being Able

 This post isn't bad and I am not depressed.  As I look to myself, I have to understnd that I'm okay even when I'm not totally okay.  That being said... Here is my post:

It's been a rough spring.  There has been some sickness and allergies.  There has been exhaustion and too much on the plate.  There has been a lot of worry.  There has been changes of plans.  There has been some remembering.  Suffice it all to say that if this season is to serve to remind me to be humble; I am humbled.  If this season is to remind me that I am not enough, then I will say that I am not enough.  If this season serves to bring me down, then I am in a valley.  Praise God!  Why?  Because, I'm looking up at where my help is going to come from, it comes from God (Psalm 121).  
This year will bring me into my bicentennial year.  It was thought by doctors that I would not make it past my first year.  I lived.  God saw fit to show that where we humans can't, He is more than able.  I don't know if I had shared this but as I have heard the story, my mother contracted Lupus at 19.  She was recommended not to have children.  My mother, being my mother, decided not to rely on the recommendation of the doctors but on God.  There were siblings.  I wonder if I will see them when I go home.  Ultimately though, I am the one that survived.  
In harder seasons, I remember this story to remind me that God has me down here for a reason.  I'm but an aging, tired teacher.  I look in the mirror and I see myself become smaller and more insignificant.  Praise God!  Why?  Because I don't look to my wrinkles for my validation but on my Savior that saw fit to die so that I might live.  
There is so much that I cannot do.  I am definitely not enough.  I am a hot mess in need of a Savior.  I am not able to do things sometimes and I become overwhelmed.  I forget sometimes that I am the daughter of a King.  I forget that I don't have to do it on my own.  I forget that God is in control.  
Maybe you have forgotten who you are.  Maybe you are not enough.  Maybe you are a hot mess, just like me, in need of a Savior.  Let me recommend to you, prayer.  And don't make it a pretty prayer.  If you are going to God, bring Him your realness.  Be authentic with Him and talk to Him like you would the closest person in the world to You.  Trade in your worries and your ineptitude for His peace and light.  Trade in the hate and the vile for His love and mercy.  
You may see me on the street and there is every chance that you see what I am in my flesh, a nobody.  A small little no one walking around in Wal-Mart or The Dollar Tree.  There I am, just a little too colorful and loud, just a little too chunky and old.  I'm laughing.  I am a survivor.  I am one of those who has her scars on the inside.  Don't doubt that they are there!  I am one of the ones who fought to stand up in the storm, not of my own strength, and not of my own will.  But God...  That is why when I feel I can't then I look to God and wait on Him.  Trust Him.  He can when we can't.  Praise the Lord!!!

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